Black Cloud

Work: It feels like there has been a black cloud over the 4 other members of my reading department and I for the past 2 and 1/2 months...

-D.F.'s jeep was totaled when a teenager ran a red light and smashed into her on the way to school the week before winter break. She suffered a concussion, but thankfully no other major injuries at the scene of the accident. She is still suffering dizzy spells sometimes, but is fortunately "okay" physically other than dealing with headaches and dizziness.

-C.J. tripped and fell on a parking lot curb while shopping the 2nd week of January. She fractured her elbow and has missed lots of work with doctor's appointments and physical therapy appointments, etc. And of course Murphy's Law of injuries--the elbow she shattered was on her dominant arm and effects the hand that she writes with. In addition, her mother has had some circulatory issues and has had to have 2 days of testing at the local Mayo Clinic to try to determine the cause.

-A.S. is our newbie and coming in mid-year after a slew of substitutes she continues to be like someone who is treading water with no shore in sight. On top of still trying to learn the ins and outs of both our county software and our reading program software, she feels like her students are running amok behaviorally.

I am her assigned mentor and am struggling a bit. I feel badly for her, as I know first-hand what it is like to try to take over a classroom mid-year. (When I started teaching back in '03, I began in November after the students had had several different substitutes for the 6 weeks before I was hired.) However, A.S. is not being assertive enough. She tells me things in our mentor/mentee meetings like, "I tell students to rotate to the computer station and they don't go." UHHH...hello! Whose classroom is it? She needs to take charge! It's really difficult because we've discussed parent phone calls, class participation points, the system I use to monitor students' rotations in my classroom, etc., but I can only make suggestions and offer support and ideas, I can't force her to use them. I'm just surprised by her lack of classroom management, because she has 2 teenage sons, and though she took a break for 12 years, she did teach previously.

-L.P., whose husband died 10 years ago and whose only child died in a freak accident at age 27 two years ago had been dealing with the declining health of her mother. She had recently helped her mother begrudgingly move into a full-time hospice center. Sadly, her mother died this past Thursday. I am so grateful that L.P. was able to be off of work and was with her mother at the time she passed away. (L.P. had missed a lot of work in December due to her mother being hospitalized, and she didn't want to miss anymore days.) Her mom had actually been doing better health-wise the past 2 weeks, so her death was a bit unexpected. My heart goes out to L.P., as she is an only child herself, and now she is truly alone with regards to having any family. She is taking next week off and among making arrangements for her mother's funeral services, she is faced with the task of having her mother's body transported from Florida to Georgia so that her mom can be buried in the burial plot with her father in their GA hometown. So sad!

-Add my January miscarriage to the mix, and you can see that the five of us combined have had tons of stressful incidents to cope with. I am hoping that the dark cloud has rained itself out now!

SIF:
My follow-up with the OB went like this:
--Bloodwork results were again normal.
--There is a cyst. I was mistaken it is on my right ovary, not left. It is 2.3 cm in diameter. I go back in 6 weeks for a sonogram to confirm whether or not the cyst is growing or shrinking. If it is shrinking (which my cyst back in '09 did and eventually disappeared on its' own) then I'm home free. If it is growing, we'll discuss whether or not surgery for removal is needed.
--I was given a referral for a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist for DH and I. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. As I stated 2 posts ago, I had finally come to terms with being a mom to a singleton...I am not sure what measures I am now willing to take with regards to becoming pregnant again. However, after thinking on it and discussing things with DH I am now glad to have a consult (finally, after all these years!) and hopefully find some answers. In April, I turn 37 and hubby turns 38, so I think it is best for us to at least discuss diagnoses and options ASAP, and then decide whether or not we plan to actively try again for Child #2 or not. Also, I want to ask for feedback regarding my cyst and whether or not the RE thinks it impacted my having a miscarriage, as my OB was vague and basically said she couldn't determine whether or not the two events were linked.

Weight Loss:
-Prior to the miscarriage, I was determined to lose weight this year. However, I got off to a lousy start and wasn't watching my food intake or exercising at all.

-Then my OB recommended that I work toward weight loss. She said whether or not I plan to get PG again in the future, weight loss would be best for my overall health. Of course I know she's right, but it's difficult to hear from someone else. (Especially someone as tiny and petite as my beautiful OBGYN is!)

-Anyway, DH has been off to an awesome weight loss start. For about 4 weeks now he's been back to running and exercising regularly along with watching his food intake. Though it has only been a week, I am finally on the band wagon. We made sure to buy lots of healthy food options at the grocery last week. Yesterday and today I've finally been exercising again. We used some of our tax return money to buy a Kinect for our XBOX this afternoon. Wowie, zowie....awesome workout! Em and I have played on it for several hours...I can't even tell you how sore my thigh and upper arm muscles are. Also, my sister got me an awesome Wii Dance game for Christmas that kicks my butt in a good way. :)

-I know from my past miscarriages and life in general that my emotions feel better when my body is more active. So I am determined to get more exercise. The difficulty is that on work days, this sometimes means I'll have to make my butt get up early and workout BEFORE work...because I am prone to skip workouts if I wait until I'm tired AFTER work. (Not to mention that DH doesn't get home from work until 7:30ish, so it makes for working out close to bedtime, unless I workout WITH Emma.)

To wrap up...as the black cloud over my department at work (hopefully) dissipates, I continue to work on getting my emotions back in check. I'm not as mopey as I was the week after the miscarriage and am starting to "move on." (Though I know, one never really "moves on" 100%.) A few weeks ago, I found a small card I've had since high school. I placed it on the iPod stand/speakers in our kitchen so I see it everyday: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) It helps to remind me that the black cloud won't always be here. Here's hoping for a silver lining, whatever that may be.

The Latest

So here's a quick scoop of the latest after my OB appointment yesterday:

-Pregnancy test was negative. (Duh! Guess I should be grateful they're thorough.)

-Had to go to the lab for blood work this morning and will re-do blood work again on Thursday morning to check my beta levels.

-Ultrasound on Thursday morning----they suspect there is a cyst on my left ovary and want to do an ultrasound to confirm and determine the size. Interesting....in looking over my blog posts after my miscarriage in '09, I had forgotten that I also had an ovarian cyst (which ended up bursting on its' own) at that time.

-Follow up appointment with doc on 1/30 for "follow up" and discussing plans for the future.

-Had to meet with my principal yesterday...fortunately I have 1st period planning period this school year. She is allowing me to be "late" to school for all of my blood work and OB appointments---missing most of my planning class period---rather than having to take a 1/2 day or whole day off work. Whew! This is the same woman who required me to take a half day of personal leave in order to attend the Open House at Emma's school on a teacher PLANNING day (with no students present, thus no substitute required,) so I am pleased and appreciative of her support.

-I'll post as I learn more.

Long Time Gone...

Thank you Dixie Chicks for my opening mantra:
"A longtime gone/ No I ain't hit the roof since I don't know when/longtime gone/and it ain't comin' back again."

My blog avoidance started with work stress. For those of you who have been around for awhile (if you're still there??? I know I've been away for literally months.) Anyway, those who've been around will recall that I've been teaching at my current school for 4 years. I've been the reading department chair all 4 years that I've worked here. At the end of the first year and beginning of my 2nd, we had a member of our department who left our school without notice. This puts a HUGE burden on my shoulders as I must help the long-term substitute with grades, attendance, lesson planning, etc. It is a lot of extra work. (Unpaid, might I add.)

This year we started the school year off strong. My 5 person reading department was united and working well together. Then, the 2nd week of school, our newest member ended up being hospitalized. It was literally 2 months of burden for me...she neglected to return ANY phone calls or emails. Not only did we have NO idea where she was hospitalized or what was even wrong with her health, we had NO idea if she planned to return to teaching at our school. Eventually, my principal was able to file a grievance (because the teacher also neglected to return any correspondence with our principal....don't get me started about the total lack of professionalism.) At this point, they were able to hire a long-term substitute teacher who was
able to teach for the last 3 weeks of 1st quarter, and beginning part of 2nd quarter. Though the substitute was eager and helpful, it still created a lot of extra work for me. We were finally able to officially terminate the teacher who'd only taught 2 weeks at our school prior to taking medical leave and never returning anyone's calls. The week before winter break a permanent teaching replacement was hired (bless her heart!) She is sticking with things thus far...though you can imagine how rowdy her classes are after literally a quarter and a half of substitute teachers. Our new teacher is brand new to both teaching in our county AND to using the reading program implemented in my school. So, while I'm thankful she's here it has again been a lot of work helping to train her on the reading software, lesson plan formats, etc. Not to mention, she also was unfamiliar with our county's email and attendance system.

SIF:
This takes me to the latest...The latter part of 2011 brought me peace with being a mom to an "only." Not that she wasn't previously, but Emma has been such a delight to spend time with. She is eager to learn, SO smart, enjoys playing fun pranks, and has really mellowed out. She has grown to the stage where she has MUCH independence and ability to do things on her own. I truly love spending time with my girl. Around the time of Emma's birthday last September I had started a new mantra for myself---STOP moping around about not having Child #2 and focus on being the best mommy I can be for Emma.

I was finally okay with the idea of not expanding our family. I was truly comfortable emotionally for the first time in years. (Meaning, no longer wallowing over only having 1 child. No longer hoping/planning/longing for Child #2.) Though we only had a few items left in storage after my major purging of Emma's leftover baby items in 2010, I finally got rid of the rest---the high chair, the baby swing, the Suzy's Zoo crib bedding and room decor, and the rest of the baby and toddler toys. I was content with my life and at a good place.

Then the second week of January 2012, I had another miscarriage. (#3.) It was extremely early. SO early that I didn't even know I was pregnant until I started bleeding 9 days before my period should have been. This lead to a FB post I created on January 10th: "Could use thoughts, prayers and well-wishes...going through some stuff. Thanks!"

Tomorrow is my OBGYN follow-up appointment to verify that all is "okay." I've had a few of you who are also my friends in real life and/or on FBook ask me if the OB plans to do a recurrent loss panel. I'm hoping to have some answers tomorrow.

My awful cramping and bleeding (sorry for TMI) stopped around a week ago. DH and I both took one day off work. I was able to lay and cuddle and mope with him in bed all day...it helped immensely.

My difficulty now is that my emotions are in a state of chaos. I feel like every time I come to some type of acceptance of being a mom to "just" one, something happens to swirl my emotions around again. Why does my body have to wreak havoc on my emotions? I was finally---after years---at a place of acceptance. Now I am playing the "What If?" game again. What if I am meant to have another child? Is my miscarriage the Universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't have given up on my dream of expanding our family? OR what if this is some sick way of confirming my thoughts---#2 is not meant to be. Sighs. I'm working toward finding the self-acceptance I reveled in the last few months of 2011.

That's the "big stuff." I will try to be more proactive about blogging. I had forgotten what a great emotional outlet this is. Just typing this post has helped me feel some relief.

I'd appreciate love and well wishes for my morning appointment tomorrow. <3

Celebrity SIF

I promise I'll be back this weekend with life updates and a MUCH belated Sock-it-to-me posting.

But I wanted to share a link I came across about actress Emma Thompson discussing her issues with depression, some of which were related to her dealing with Secondary Infertility.

Click HERE to read the article.

It's rare for most celebrities to mention or discuss fertility issues...especially with regards to secondary infertility. I was glad to see the issue brought to the limelight, though of course saddened that Ms. Thompson had to endure SIF issues at all.

Friday Night "Leftovers" (Back-to-School Edition)

Whew! The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of back-to-school busy-ness.

The amazing, wonderful Danifred over at Sippycups are Not for Starbucks often hosts "Friday Night Leftovers" in which bloggers can post random list-like updates that don't necessarily pertain to only one topic.... I thought I'd bounce out of my blogging lull by joining in the fun.

So now the "Leftovers..." The things I've been experiencing and mulling over the past few weeks.

Family:
-Emma:
--Em started first grade! And she turns 7 in 2 weeks....Such a beautiful young lady inside and out. I am grateful for her each day and can't believe how quickly she is growing up. Sighs.
--She seems to be adjusting to first grade pretty well. She was disappointed the first few days of school because only 2 of the 18 students from her kindergarten class are in her 1st grade class this year. (One is the class bully who always had a desk by himself while the other kindergartners sat in tables of 4....the kid who punched Emma in the arm when I was sitting right beside her on the bus ride for the zoo field trip last year....GRRRRR! The other is a sweet, super quiet girl whose primary language is Spanish...she and Emma get along, but Em tends to play with more "extroverted" kids.) Her other former classmates were dispersed to other 1st grade classes.
--Today marks the end of week #2 of school and Emma has made friends and shared stories of playing and interacting with her new classmates.
--She is excited to have her own desk and own books/notebooks/supplies (versus "community" markers, etc.) this year. While the desks are pushed together to form "tables," she still has a bit of independence, which is right up her alley.
--Her school opted to instate a uniform policy this year. (Yes, it's a public school.) Navy, white, or red polo shirt or plain t-shirt with khaki or navy pants/shorts/skirt/jumper. Emma has made me smile with her individuality as she wears socks and hair accessories that don't necessarily "coordinate" with her school attire. But I must say thus far getting ready in the morning has been SOOOOO much easier! No more battles and trying to re-negotiate on outfits chosen the night before.

Pics of Emma's first day:


Not sure what the kid in the background is so "surprised" about.



Notice the skull socks? A gift from my older sister, Michelle. If I remember correctly, Emma was wearing a pink hair bow in the back of her hair. I love my girl!

DH:
--Our 13th wedding anniversary is this weekend. (Which means we've been "together" for 16 years total---wow! Nearly half of my lifetime!) I am so fortunate to have him as a life partner. He helps me through highs and lows, cooks better and more frequently than I do, is a superb daddy for our Emma, and helps me to be a better person. Love ya, Aaron!
--Continues to keep on keepin' on with his writing. While still marketing his novel trying to obtain a literary agent, he has started writing yet another novel...amazing. I continue to be awed by his perseverance.

Parents:
--My parents are coming to visit for Emma's birthday and are going to visit Disney World with us for two days! I am SOOOOO excited about this! They haven't been to Disney since I was a baby in the baby-pack on my Dad's back. I'm stoked to watch them interact with Emma while we show them around the parks. Emma has been watching and re-watching the Disney vacation planning DVD (free from the park website!) and talking non-stop about the rides and activities she wants to do with Grandma and Grandpa. Of course I always look forward to visiting with my parents, but this particular visit will likely have a special kind of magic. :)

Me:
-Work:
--We have a new 6th grade administrator this year. He has helped to initiate amazing changes at my school. Though only the end of the 2nd week, we've had the smoothest opening-of-school since I started working at this school. There is a sense of calm and structure instead of the frenzied chaos of the last 2 years. Crossing my fingers that it lasts all school year...
--This Monday when I arrived at work there was a vase of carnations on my desk. The attached card was from my principal. The card thanked me for being the reading department head and stated that "children grow to love learning thanks to (me.)" I was amazed...SO nice to be acknowledged! I confirmed at lunchtime that flowers were placed on the desks of all subject area department heads. What a wonderful beginning of the year gesture to thank us for the time and effort we put in for NO extra pay!

-SIF:
--I had planned to post and question whether anyone else had felt "OUCH" this week when seeing multiple F.acebook posts "supporting breast cancer awareness" by playing a posting game....The following is cut/pasted from multiple messages in my FB inbox:
Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round all over the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status.

Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!!
January-1 week
Febuary-2 weeks July-10 weeks
March-3 weeks August-12 weeks
April-4 weeks September-13 weeks
May-6 weeks October-14 weeks
June-8 weeks November-16 weeks
December-18 weeks

(I'm not posting the super long 31 item list of candies and treats to "crave.")

If I had "played" along, I'd post: "I'm 4 weeks and craving Crunchies." First of all, I don't even know what the hell Crunchies are. Secondly, I was silently hurting a bit by reading about the multiple fake pregnancies of several FB friends. I fail to understand how posting and pretending to be PG is "supporting" breast cancer awareness. My 1st thought was that many cancer survivors are infertile due to the chemo and medications they endure to fight cancer. My 2nd thought was-- why are we are "NOT telling any males" about the "game?" How the heck can something promote awareness if you "hide" the purpose behind it? UGH. I had an internal rant (longer than this) ready to post. Then, I came across a blog, linked on FB by an old high school friend. I LOVE it. I completely agree with many of the author's points...

CGWardPhotography--Regarding the FB Breast Cancer Awareness Games

As much as we all hate to be part of the IF-world, it was nice to read that I am not the only person who found the "game" insensitive. What are your thoughts on the issue?

-Fun:
--Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll catch up....I have a cool "wax hand" post I need to write. I also need to update my books read list and postings.
--Off to start the 3 day weekend! :)


Edit: Upon blog-surfing this morning, I came across an entry today by the wonderful Mel over at Stirrup Queens. Another excellent post about how the cancer awareness games are hurtful to those experiencing infertility issues.