I googled "Secondary Infertility" today and came across this amazing article (CLICK HERE) about a woman experiencing secondary infertility (SI.) The article wonderfully explains what I've been feeling the past year and a half...
The author, Victoria Lambert, drew me in with this PERFECT description:
"I fully appreciate that I am infinitely luckier than all those who are unable to conceive at all – either through infertility, timing or sheer bad luck – but that doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear.
What I could not have known before my daughter was born was that infertility is infertility, plain and simple, whenever it occurs. I had no idea that trying for a second child would be like starting with a blank page; that my accumulated wisdom and experience of motherhood would count for nothing in terms of conception."
--Lambert goes on to describe the guilt she feels about one child not being "enough," the frustration with her body...why can't it create another child?, the guilt the current child gives because they want a sibling, the pain of seeing all of the baby items she keeps stored in hopes that she can use them for another child. YES! SOMEONE OUT THERE UNDERSTANDS! This is completely and totally what I am going through.
--Lambert brought me to tears with the closing of her article: "These days, it has to be said, I long for my need for a second child to go away almost as much as I do for a positive pregnancy test."
I myself am not at that point yet. I've always envisioned my life as being part of a family of 4. Right now, I'm not willing to give up my dream. But I am wondering how will I know when enough is enough? When should I give up my dream of another child? Sighs.
And does the hurt ever go away? In January the week the OB confirmed I was pregnant, the mother of one of Emma's schoolmates also learned she was pregnant. I remember talking and planning things with DH and we thought it was interesting timing that Baby #2 would be born around the time of Em's September birthday. My miscarriage occurred a week later. This week I heard from the schoolmate's mother for the first time in quite a while. She was overjoyed at her Sept 13th duedate. 4 days before Em's bday. Ouch!
I've dealt with many pregnancies-of-friends-and-acquaintances over the past few months. One of my college buddies is due anytime...I am thrilled for her. There is a teacher-intern at my school who is due in June...I am genuinely excited for her. Yet for some reason, Emma's schoolmate's mother is just so painful for me to deal with. Perhaps because the timing of her pregnancy? I don't know. But I feel like such a bitch when I plaster on my fake smile and try to speed up any encounters we have. I certainly don't have any ill-will towards her personally. I am just experiencing bump envy again. ARGH!
I feel a little better now that I've ranted. Thank you, dear Readers for letting me vent. And to those experiencing SI, I encourage you to read the article...it really moved me.
1 day ago