Thursday, May 14, 2009

Secondary Infertility

I googled "Secondary Infertility" today and came across this amazing article (CLICK HERE) about a woman experiencing secondary infertility (SI.) The article wonderfully explains what I've been feeling the past year and a half...

The author, Victoria Lambert, drew me in with this PERFECT description:
"I fully appreciate that I am infinitely luckier than all those who are unable to conceive at all – either through infertility, timing or sheer bad luck – but that doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear.

What I could not have known before my daughter was born was that infertility is infertility, plain and simple, whenever it occurs. I had no idea that trying for a second child would be like starting with a blank page; that my accumulated wisdom and experience of motherhood would count for nothing in terms of conception."

--Lambert goes on to describe the guilt she feels about one child not being "enough," the frustration with her body...why can't it create another child?, the guilt the current child gives because they want a sibling, the pain of seeing all of the baby items she keeps stored in hopes that she can use them for another child. YES! SOMEONE OUT THERE UNDERSTANDS! This is completely and totally what I am going through.

--Lambert brought me to tears with the closing of her article: "These days, it has to be said, I long for my need for a second child to go away almost as much as I do for a positive pregnancy test."


I myself am not at that point yet. I've always envisioned my life as being part of a family of 4. Right now, I'm not willing to give up my dream. But I am wondering how will I know when enough is enough? When should I give up my dream of another child? Sighs.

And does the hurt ever go away? In January the week the OB confirmed I was pregnant, the mother of one of Emma's schoolmates also learned she was pregnant. I remember talking and planning things with DH and we thought it was interesting timing that Baby #2 would be born around the time of Em's September birthday. My miscarriage occurred a week later. This week I heard from the schoolmate's mother for the first time in quite a while. She was overjoyed at her Sept 13th duedate. 4 days before Em's bday. Ouch!

I've dealt with many pregnancies-of-friends-and-acquaintances over the past few months. One of my college buddies is due anytime...I am thrilled for her. There is a teacher-intern at my school who is due in June...I am genuinely excited for her. Yet for some reason, Emma's schoolmate's mother is just so painful for me to deal with. Perhaps because the timing of her pregnancy? I don't know. But I feel like such a bitch when I plaster on my fake smile and try to speed up any encounters we have. I certainly don't have any ill-will towards her personally. I am just experiencing bump envy again. ARGH!

I feel a little better now that I've ranted. Thank you, dear Readers for letting me vent. And to those experiencing SI, I encourage you to read the article...it really moved me.

11 comments:

Sunny said...

I am going through the same questions right now, although we are just starting our journey with SI. How long are we willing to try? How many and what kind of treatments are we willing to do? Hubby and I aren't on the same page on those answers, so I worry when it comes to that.

I'm sorry you have that reminder of your lost baby. :( I just hate how IF makes us want to hide in the sand...

sklay723 said...

Infertility has to be one of the most painful experiences I have ever dealt with...I know we don't know each other well, but I certainly feel so much sympathy for you. After 18 months of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I went through so many tests and treatments and finally had to resort to IVF to have our children (surprise, surprise...we got double the blessings when we found out there were TWO!). You are not alone, and I applaud you for knowing that your blog is a great way to get your feelings out so they're not all bottled up. Envy is a natural (and unfortunate) part of the process, so don't ever feel "bad" about feeling that way.

Carrie27 said...

There was a girl on a board I visit who was due a couple days before/after my due date (1st pregnancy). I had a m/c and could not even comment on her posts when she talked about her pregnancy, because I was so angry (not at her, but at what happened).

NadineBean said...

Today I'm googling secondary infertility. I'm on "Break" to complete more tests before continuing with IUI's but in the mean time I'm finding I'm questioning my right to want more kids... This article is exactly what I needed to read.... Thank you!

Aleyna's Mom said...

Hi Alana. I just came across your blog and I feel like we can relate on so many levels. I'm 34 and facing second infertility problems (or so I'm suspecting it will be officially diagnosed sooner than later.) It's been a long and emotionally rocky road. I'm sorry that you are facing the same challenges but I do hope to read your entries soon and learn from your past experiences.

Anonymous said...

I'm escited I found your page. I have a wonderful 2.5 year old and feel lucky everyday to have her. I still want one more child, a sibling for her.

I don't feel guilty for wanting another, I do feel guilty for talking about it with people who don't even have one.

My husband keeps telling me that there is a bigger differnce between no kids and 1, then between 1 and 2. I understand that but it doesn't make me want another any less.

Ritkiss said...

Thank you for the article. I can sympathize, because I have been there, and I want baby number 3. Sometimes it is so hard to accept that you have no control over having another baby except through RE and the expense that comes with that. I get through it by focusing on my blessings. Thank you for sharing.

lbw said...

Hi, I stumbled across this looking for blogs about SI and how people cope. I have SI due to chemo induced pre-mature ovarian failure. V lucky to be alive but now dealing with SI, something I never considered. Thanks for sharing. I understand the envy - I've been experiencing this quite a bit, and a lot of sadness when I see how good my son is with younger children. I'm learning to accept what's happened and appreciate the fact I have my beautiful boy.
xx

Red Power Ranger said...

I googled today looking for more SIF blogs to bond with. I found yours. What you write is so familiar to me. I have a 3yr old son, conceived so easily its hard to believe now. Ive had 2 other pregnancies that ended in mc either side of him. I desperately want a sibling for my son, what you say is so true. I have been ttc since April 2009. I look forward to following your blog.

Cheers, Tee xo

www.infertilitee.blogspot.com

Amy said...

Thank you for having this blog. I read some great IF blogs, but always feel a little guilty because I am already blessed with one.

I am having a really hard time with the pregnancy of my friend that I met in my birthing class two years ago. She had no problem getting pregnant again, and for some reason her pregnancy is really affecting me right now. Maybe because her baby is due in April and I keep thinking that I should have a baby too.

Also yesterday I had a conversation with my mother in law (she has 8 siblings and adopted her two kids). She is very concerned with my son not having social interaction and a sibling. We are trying and are looking at our 3rd IVF cycle. The doctor has talked about donor eggs. My husband is fine with one and says we have one with my genetics and that is fine. I just am so confused about the donor egg. Would the child feel "different"? Would I feel different? Then I feel guilty about even having those questions. Guilt is such a horrible part of IF. It just gets to me sometimes.

Thanks for the forum to vent to people who understand. I needed it this morning.

Anonymous said...

I too am struggling with SI. I have a 2 1/2 year old son. I have been trying to conceive baby #2 since Jan. 2009. After my 9th IUI with clomid and trigger shot I was finally pregnant again. My hcg levels were doubling and then I woke up one night with incredible pain. The doctors told me it was ectopic and had ruptured my tube. I had surgery and I had a ruptured tube. Luckily, after the laparascopy (they found a liter of blood in my abdomen) I still had both tubes. Unfortunately, I lost my pregnancy after 9 IUI's and over 2 years TTC. My cousin is pregnant and our babies were due within 2 days of each other. I'm overjoyed for her, however, always a reminder of the baby I lost when I see her. Why does this have to be so hard?