Just For Today

Just for today, I am loving my body. I've been feeling fat and disappointed in myself lately. DH started a 90 day "P90X" exercise program. It's a 13 DVD set with workouts for an HOUR a day. He's been at it for a week now and is doing great. Though I get totally annoyed when he devotes so much time to exercise (especially when the house is a disaster zone, the pets need fed, our daughter is watching TV instead of interacting with a parent, etc.) there is part of me that truly admires his perseverance.

I've been toying with the idea of running for a while now. In middle school I was part of the "Fun Run" team. We went running through neighborhoods nearby the school, and had fun workouts with Ms. Hoffman the cool P.E. coach. In high school, I'd run once in a while. The house I grew up in was less than a mile from corn fields in the country. I used to love walking/jogging on Waldo Road...past the fresh flowers, horses in the fields, corn taller than me, etc. In college my friend (and later roommate) Amy and I would meet each other and go running on the awesome biking/walking trail at Ohio U. Then winter came...we both busted our butts on the ice a few times and our exercise regime dwindled "until spring." We just never got back into it.

So I gained the "freshman 10." And the sophomore "20"...and I stopped keeping track of my actual weight. DH and I met my sophomore year, and began dating my junior year at OU. Neither of us was into exercise. But I wasn't "obese," and unhappy with myself.

We got married in '98 three months after my graduation from OU. (DH graduated in '97.) Over the past 10+ years, my weight has been increasing. Though disgruntled with myself, I was never "fed up" enough to stick to any diets or work out plans. (I'm a typical yo-yo-er with regards to weight loss.) I joined Curves (a women only gym) a few years ago. I did great...lost some pounds, built some muscle....and then never went back when my work schedule changed so that I was unable to get to the gym after work anymore.

Em came along in '04. I gained a little weight with her, but not too much. I tried to be supportive when DH started running. He began running and working out when I was pregnant. On the one hand I was proud of him for taking care of himself (as his pounds had increased, just as mine had.) On the other hand, I wanted to strangle him whine and scream that while I was pregnant with our child he was LOSING weight. ARGH!

We've been trying to have another child for 2+ years now. This summer we have an appointment with my OB to determine our "next steps." If I am honest with myself, I wonder how much (if any) of our secondary infertility has to do with my weight. DH has continued to run and workout regularly since he started before Em. I try not to be too hard on myself...and to tell myself that the reality is that my weight may have nothing to do with our TTC. However, the negative "I'm too fat" mindset sets in sometimes.

Earlier this week, (the day after the "Biggest Loser" finale, actually) I was thinking that I should run in a half marathon. Then I remembered that there is a yearly half marathon at Disney World. (I *HEART* Disney World!) I was thinking that it would be really cool to run the half marathon there... Why when I haven't run in nearly 10 years did this strike me as a good idea? I'm really not sure. I think I've hit my "breaking point" of disgust with myself.

By coincidence, last night, DH mentioned that he had been in contact with one of our old OU buds via FaceBook. The friend had stated that she and another OU pal might be running in the half marathon at Disney in March! I haven't mentioned my secret ambition to DH yet. I am forcing myself to write this post...because printing it makes me accountable. I don't know if I'll be ready by March...but I would love it if I was. Running 13 miles straight by March....that would be awesome!

So I started today. I RAN today. Baby steps....I ran every-other song on my iPod. Walked for two songs, then ran for all of "Cotton Eye Joe," walked a song, RAN for half of "Devil Went Down to Georgia," walked 2 songs, then finished by running for ALL of "All 4 Love" (Love me some "Color Me Badd!") Went nearly 2 miles total...not sure how far was running...but at least I did it!

So just for today, I am happy with my body. This body that helped me carry my sweet Emma. This body that I KNEW was in labor even when the doctor blew me off. This body that delivered Em ALL naturally without any epidural, not because I planned for a natural childbirth, but because I was already 5 cm dilated by the time we got to the hospital. (Em arrived less than 2 hours later. She was a super quick delivery...and too fast for an epidural.) If I can go through the pain of childbirth and recovery (I will never forget the pain of stitches "down there" without any numbing medication....it hurt almost worse than the delivery itself!) If I can endure the heartache of miscarriage and longing for another child. If I can nudge myself by remembering that I want to be the best mommy I can be....and by acknowledging that right now my fat bum and junk food eating exercise habits are not setting a good example for my Emma... then I CAN RUN!

Yes, just for today, I am loving Me! :)