2009

DH and I were married in September 1998. Beginning with Christmas 1999, I've written and mailed a Christmas letter to family and friends each year. Usually, I do a month-by-month or season-by-season rundown of what big events happened in our household during the year. As the majority of our family and friends live out of state, I like thinking that I'm "updating" them on things they may not have otherwise known about.

I have a Christmas album dedicated to these yearly letters. It has a copy of each year's letter, and includes the photo and/or card which accompanied the letters we sent. Each winter, I enjoy re-reading all of the letters. It's a neat reminder of what has happened since DH and I were married. From our first post-college jobs to getting our first pets, to announcing the birth of Emma...our letters capture all of the events which stand out as we reflect on each year.

This year's letter was the 10th Christmas letter I've mailed. Yet it was the most difficult to write. As I started to write this year's letter, I noted that Emma had her first hair cut the first weekend of January. This was a big event for us---most kids don't wait until they turn 4 to get their hair cut. But Em had such fine, baby fuzz hair and was nearly bald until she was 2. She didn't really have "pony tail" hair until she turned 3. So, though I felt lame including it in a holiday letter, Em's haircut was mentioned in the Christmas letter this year.

The next significant event of 2009, was my miscarriage. January 13th is when I was told that I was miscarrying Peanut. I came to a standstill. I wanted to include this in my holiday letter, as it was definitely a significant event in 2009. I tried. At first I included the miscarriage. But it was really difficult for me to keep a lighthearted Christmas cheer type of tone when discussing the despair I felt at losing a baby. Thus, I decided not to mention it at all.

Therefore, the entire time I was sifting through my calendar, asking DH and Emma what events stood out for them in 2009, and writing our yearly letter...I kept thinking that the event which stands out the most for me would not be included.

Shortly after mailing off the Christmas letters I eventually composed, I participated in ICLW---International Comment Leaving Week. It's an event wherein blog writers commit to reading and commenting on 6 other blogs every day for a week. As it is sponsored by Mel the majority of bloggers involved are usually part of the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community. Two days after Christmas, I came across a blog I don't think I've visited before. I was struck by the post... The blog author and her DH had endured the loss of their sweet baby boy at only 18 weeks gestation. I was saddened for their loss. If I still hurt a year later over a baby who I never met, imagine their heartache at having to deliver, hold, and say good-bye to their infant?

What I was especially moved by, was the writer's Christmas card. She and her DH had dedicated their entire card to the memory of their sweet Baby, and to thanking their family and friends for the support they've received. Why didn't I think of that?? Two parts of their Christmas greeting stood out to me: First, " Unfortunately, the plan for our lives was a little different than we anticipated." YES! That line called out to me---my 2009 outcome was also very different than I anticipated. And second, "Christmas seems the most appropriate time to share these blessings and thank everyone for the amazing amount of support we have received. Your prayers, caring words, love, and kindness have truly changed our lives. " YES! As I continue to move on (and still long for another child) it is important for me to be grateful for the outpouring of love we've experienced this year. Thank you, to the blog writer at My Journey with Endometriosis your words described exactly how I am feeling and helped me find closure for 2009.

So if you are reading this, thank you. To those who let me rant and vent and ramble when I need to , I appreciate you. To those who've been there for hugs in person or hugs via the Internet or telephone, I have felt your love. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes and caring. I truly appreciate it!

I went from being misty-eyed while decorating for Christmas (dwelling on not having a newborn) to being even more grateful and appreciative for what I do have. Farewell 2009...I bid you adieu and thank you for the lessons learned, family treasured and friendships gained.

Emotional Struggles

(Sorry in advance for the depressed tone, but this blog is my place to vent...and the paragraphs below explain where I've been emotionally the past week and a half.)

Last week I had a bit of an internal emotional struggle. Emma's former classmate's mother, AB was induced and gave birth to a lovely baby girl. I struggled because the baby was born on my Dad's birthday. (The envy set in---why couldn't I be having a kiddo on that day?) But mostly, I was upset because AB is the only person I know in real life who was pregnant when I was. Back in January she and I found out we were pregnant the same week. We talked about how neat it would be having both of our kids the same ages. Then a week later I miscarried Peanut. Sighs. I am happy for AB (and her family,) but even though I think I've "moved on" miscarriage wise, AB is the one person it is still difficult for me to face.

Over the summer I saw pregnant friends, held newborn babies of friends, even looked at a scrapbook/babybook one friend made, and I was truly happy for them AND okay emotionally. But I think because I associate AB's pregnancy with my own pregnancy, it's just a little much for me to handle.

Thankfully, AB and her DH opted to change schools for their son this year, so I haven't seen AB in person for a while. I'm able to pick and choose which emails I read fully, or skim and scan over. There seems to be a ratio... Emails talking about AB's general health = read fully; emails giving every baby detail = skim/scan/delete. Am I a jerk, or what?

Why can I read details of online friends' pregnancies and view pictures of their children or growing bellies or ultrasounds and be thrilled for them? Yet a woman I know personally is difficult to acknowledge?

I have to guiltily admit I felt RELIEF that I'll be out of town this weekend. Another girlfriend sent an evite to a jewelry party she's having. After I RSVPed "no," I noticed that AB had RSVPed "maybe," and had added a comment that "it might be nice to get out of the house for a bit." ACKKKK! I hate that I felt relieved that I won't be seeing AB just yet. But when will I be ready?

The social worker in me senses avoidance. The mama-who-wants-Baby #2 in me senses survival.

I thought my heart had healed...now I'm not so sure.

I'd Do Anything

Last night I went to see the musical Oliver! with my girlfriend, MEB. She and I have recently reconnected and I have SOOOO enjoyed having a girlfriend in Jacksonville. (MEB and Adrian's mom, Stacye, are my only 2 gal-pals that haven't moved out of state!) The play was nice, but we agreed the acting was a bit amateurish. However, I obtained the tickets from a teacher friend at school who was unable to attend, so I'm not complaining! All day I've had the "I'd do anything, for you dear anything...for you mean everything to me..." song stuck in my head. The song is applying to other areas of my life right now...

Tomorrow is one month since we learned I was having a miscarriage. And while most of me is moving on with my life with a smooth transition, there is a small part of me that has been having twinges of jealousy. I read that a "Peanut is here!" on someone else's blog. The woman has been through the loss of a baby at 8 weeks, and struggled to get pregnant. While part of me is truly happy for her---she finally has a beautiful baby boy--- part of me feels "OUCH" at reading the word "Peanut" and knowing that I don't have my own Peanut anymore. Another moment of jealousy occurred when I saw Anne Curry's "Dateline" interview with the mother of octuplets. How can one person who admits to using student loans as her primary means of finance be blessed with FOURTEEN children, and I can't even have two? Sighs. I just don't get it.

To top it off, Emma has been making TONS of comments about wanting a sibling recently. Students in her class were asked to bring in family photos for a Valentine Family Tree project. She has reminded me numerous times as we pass the Family Tree display in the hallway outside of her classroom, "I'm the only one in my class without a brother or sister." Each time I reply with something like, "Maybe someday we'll have another baby," or "Wouldn't it be neat to have a brother or sister?" or even "Do you think you'd like a brother or sister?" To which Em always enthusiastically replies, YES, though the gender she "prefers" tends to toggle back and forth.

Last weekend I took Emma to the mall. We had lunch and then she played in the play yard for a while. As we were walking through a department store on the way back to the parking lot, we passed through children's clothing. Emma stopped at FOUR different racks asking me if she could buy baby outfits "in case I have a sister someday." OUCH. She then asked if we could buy a playpen "for a baby brother." Ouch again.

I'm not depressed. Or whiny. Or feeling "Why me?" Or even over dwelling. At least I don't think I am. I just want another baby...before Emma is much older. And before I'm in my late 30's.

Yes..."I'd go anywhere. For your smile anywhere. For your smile anywhere, I'd see....yes I'd do anything for you."...for another little Peanut.

Quick Update

LOVE the above comic! And yes, I SO relate.

Quick update: Had the OB follow-up appointment today. My ovarian cyst is completely gone. Miscarriage with Peanut "cleared out" (UGH!) as anticipated from my hormone levels. We were given the "go ahead" to try getting pregnant again. If I'm not pregnant within 6 months, I'm to go back for a follow up appointment at which time we'll look into hormone levels, possible fertility issues, etc.

I'm comfortable with this scenario.

However, I still feel self-inflicted pressure due to my age (almost 34). And especially due to Emma's age, as I don't want her and Kid#2 to have a really large age gap between them.

So I'm praying foremost for patience. And secondly for a pregnancy that "sticks."

New Look

The Blog: I LOVE scrapbooking, but haven't done many layouts since Emma was born (due to time and space constraints---I used to scrap in what is now Emma's bedroom.) Part of why I enjoy blogging is it provides an opportunity for me to journal and create an online "scrapbook" of sorts. I have been wanting to create a "scrapbooky" type layout for my blog for a while, but didn't have the time to devote to changing my layout. This weekend, I spent a few hours adding "embellishments" to my sidebar, changing my background and color scheme. Yes, I know I have a daughter (who favors pink and purple) whom is much of what I blog about, but as green and blue are MY favorite colors, and this is MY blog, I went with a layout/color scheme for ME. :)

The World: Barack Obama was sworn in as our 44th president last week. Hooray! I am ecstatic about this and believe that with time he will lead our country through many positive changes.

School: My yearly observation by my principal is scheduled for this Wednesday. I am not nervous. I know I perform my job adequately. Though this is my first observation at this school and by this principal, I anticipate that I will do well. What I am feeling a little crumby about is that between my miscarriage and a horrible headcold, I am still not at 100%, which means I'm not giving 100% at school...I hate that. As a mother, I love knowing my daughter goes to school each day with a teacher who is fair, loving, and who challenges her. I hate that I am not back at that level for my students yet. I am getting there...and it's not like I'm slacking and doing nothing. I just know that my heart hasn't been "in it" the past few weeks, and I haven't been giving as much as I usually do. Sighs... I'm working on it

I'm still struggling as I try to decide whether or not I want to remain at my current school next year. Pros: 1. I like my principal and the faculty a lot 2. The students are MUCH better behaved than those at my prior school 3. Distance to/from home and to/from Em's school/daycare is a 20-min or less commute 4. I have access to much more supplies than I did at my prior school Cons: 1. I hate my classroom. It doesn't have windows and is a dreary blue/gray/green color. 2. I still hate that I am teaching reading AND language arts (and an elective.) Yes, I am certified as both a language arts and reading teacher. But I spent the past 3 years taking courses so that I could teach reading. Last year for the first time, I finally felt passionate about my subject matter (READING) instead of just being passionate about helping my students. Sighs. This year with my school combining language arts and reading...I am not happy. I do not feel I have adequate time to differentiate instruction for my low level readers. The time I used to spend on more specific instruction is now devoted to planning for language arts... So that's it. The pros outweigh the cons. But my main con is a biggie. So I am still contemplating.

Health: My OB's office left a message on Friday saying that my Beta levels were at 3 with the bloodwork I had drawn on Tuesday 1/20. This means I am not in any danger zone. Peanut miscarried fully and as anticipated, I will not have to have a D&C. This Tuesday I go for a follow up appointment during which time I should learn whether or not we have the go ahead to "try again," or if other recommendations will be made.

I'm starting to move on emotionally...though sometimes things still tug at my heartstrings. Our garage is full of baby items that we are storing for use with Kid#2...a highchair, baby swing, infant carseat, Rubbermaid containers filled with Emma's old baby and little girl clothes, etc. When I went out to the garage this week it was a sad reminder that Peanut is gone. But mostly, I have been able to keep my chin up and hope that things advance quickly and that I am given the go-ahead to try to become pregnant again.

And though optimistic, I hate that I know if I become pregnant again it won't be happy and blissful like my pregnancy with Emma. It will be a time of joy, but also of great worry. Miscarriage will always be at the back of my mind now. I pray that I don't second-guess myself and my decisions throughout my pregnancy if I become pregnant again. I know I need to wait to cross the bridge when I get there, but I am concerned about how I will feel...especially in those critical early weeks.

DH: DH got a promotion at work which will go into effect next month. He'll be in a supervisory role over a team of workers who does sales/support phone calls like he does now. He seems excited about it, and I'm happy for him.

Emma: My little sweetie continues to be a bundle of joy. Without knowing about Peanut, her smile, hugs, and "arts and craps" have helped me immensely in the past few weeks. Yesterday we went to a birthday party for one of her schoolmates. It was held at a local skating rink. It was the first time I have rollerskated...I think since high school. Emma and I were wobbling and holding hands. We had only made it halfway around the rink when they cleared the floor for a game of "Red Light-Green Light." Doh! We watched the game. Emma commented that we weren't able to skate as fast as the people playing the RLGL game. Then she took off her skates so she could play in the playyard area instead. We never skated again. Bummer. I was actually looking forward to it!

Emmaisms: I've been in a funk, so haven't been writing Emmaisms as I usually do. Here are a few that I did write down:

1/25/09: On urinating: "My pee just sounded like a shower! I went potty and there was a lot and it sounded like the shower was on!"

1/24/09: On adulthood: "Mommy, someday when you and Daddy move, can I live in this house until I have a baby and a husband?"

1/5/09: On Christmas Gifts for the Future: "Do you know what I want more than anything for Christmas next year? Perfume! Like a skunk!"

Found this oldie but goodie while tidying up our computer desk. 10/30/08 On happiness: While watching The Sound of Music, "Mommy, sometimes when people sing, my heart feels happy!"

4 Days

In the 7 Habits for Highly Effective Teenagers course I taught as an elective this past semester, we had a discussion day talking about time. How one day can make a difference to the family of someone who is terminally ill. How one minute can make the difference between someone who is or isn't in a car accident, etc.

This week I've been thinking about 4 days...I knew I was pregnant for 4 days before I started cramping and had the day of doctor's visits and ER time. Then it was another 4 days before I learned I was miscarrying the baby. 4 days of change.

I've re-thought many things...and have been fortunate, because I don't really have self blame. I was taking prenatal vitamins, exercising a fair amount, eating right, avoiding caffeine, etc.

I also don't really have anger. I'm not mad at myself for losing the baby...or angry at God for preventing the miscarriage. I'm just disappointed. Deeply disappointed. There is a quote in Vicki Iovine's Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy book that really hit home this week. In her section about miscarriage, she states, "...the idea of a baby, the dream of it and having it in your life forever, begins as soon as that baby makes its presence known." How true that is! I'm not just disappointed, I'm dealing with the loss of a dream. A dream for little Peanut. A dream with visions of Emma and Peanut playing together. A dream that I'd be a mother again. Sighs.

And part of me is actually grateful. Not that I lost the baby...but that if I had to have a miscarriage, I am grateful that it happened so early within my pregnancy. My last menstrual cycle began 11-29-08. I was 4-6 weeks pregnant. (Because they were never able to see the fetus via ultrasound, we never were given a gestational date.) I am grateful that I miscarried while the fetus was still so tiny...before I felt movement...before Emma knew about Peanut...before we did any major planning and preparations for a baby's arrival.

SPOILER ALERT- SPOILER ALERT -SPOILER ALERT- SPOILER
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to see and/or read "Marley and Me" and do not want to know the plot and ending, skip to the paragraph that begins with "One positive note..."

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER
The day after my miscarriage began, I took the day off work. I went to see "Marley and Me," as I had heard it was a tearjerker, and figured I could use a good cry. The movie is about a couple John and Jen as they get married, get their first pet (a large dog, Marley,) and start a family. There is a scene during Jen's first pregnancy when they learn that the baby's heartbeat has stopped, and that Jen will be miscarrying the child. This made me cry! She goes on to have 3 healthy children. I cried again...especially at the sight of the 1st teeny tiny baby. Sighs. At the end of the movie, Marley has to be put to sleep in his old age. I was crying with the other 5 ladies in the theater (there were only 6 of us at the Wednesday matinee.) We were all sniffling and crying...it was really sad. And since Marley is a yellow/blonde version of my sweet mutt Viggo, it really hit home. I cried and cried to the point that my nose was red when I finally got into my car after the movie was over. Ahhh. I needed that. It really was the perfect movie to help me get through the week.

SPOILER ALERT OVER SPOILER ALERT OVER SPOILER ALERT


One positive note has been the outpouring of email and verbal responses from female friends, family, and co-workers who have also endured miscarriages. I feel that I am part of a club that no one wants to join, but that unites women regardless of age or race. In the 4 days after the miscarriage, I heard from friends/family: SKK, SKU, KJJ, KLW, MEB, EPL, AB, ARE, CMJ, CM, AF, and MM whom have all had miscarriages. Wow!

8 of these 12 women went on to have one or more children in a pregnancy after their miscarriage(s). 1 of these 12 women is pregnant with her 2nd child right now. 3 of these ladies are still hoping and praying to be blessed with their first child.

I'll be curious to find out in my OB appointment next week what category I fall into now. Am I in need of fertility aids, since I did not get pregnant for 3 years? Or, because I did get pregnant, am I not in need of help because we've shown that it is possible for us to conceive. I am anxious to learn what the next step is...where do we go from here?

No More Peanut

Sighs...I'm at school, so can't write much during what's left of my lunch break.

Had yesterday (Mon.) off work. Went for more bloodwork. Called OB for ER follow-up. They said they'd rather see me Tues so they could have the bloodwork results from Monday to compare with bloodwork from Friday.

Didn't really need to have the day off then. Oh well. Went coat shopping...bought a new jacket and had some "me" time. Was able to spend 2 hours of uninterrupted phone time with MaryAnn---a luxury for both of us!

This morning went to OB for follow up. Met with Sherry the nurse practitioner at OB's office. She attempted ultrasound. Again could see thickening of the uterine wall, but no fetus. Ironically---the cyst on my ovary burst on it's own. It's down already from Friday from 2.3 cm to 1.1.

Then I started bleeding. Dammit.

Sherry said I needed to prepare myself: this could be a miscarriage. Or it could be slight spotting. We needed the hormone levels to determine.

Sherry called the lab for my bloodwork results, which weren't in yet. I headed to work.

30 minutes ago she called to say that my hormone levels dropped from the 600's on Friday to the 100's today. I am having a miscarriage. Ouch. Even as I type the word, I feel a tug at my heartstrings.

She said the bleeding will increase over the next few days. And everything should "clear out" on it's own. How horrible!

Next Monday I need to go back for follow-up blood work. As long as my hormone levels are "back to normal," it will mean that Peanut has miscarried fully and my body is returning to normal. If not, we'll pursue D&C.

Sighs. No more waiting game... This sucks!

Need to wipe my tears....wash my face...and return to my 8th graders.

Little Peanut??

I've had a whirlwind of emotions this week...

On Monday 1/5 I took 2 home pregnancy tests and they were positive! This was very exciting! I've been off the pill for 3 years, and was beginning to wonder if I should ask my OB for help with fertility issues. Hooray! Now we had a little Peanut on the way! A sibling for Emma! :)

DH and I spent the evening talking and planning: talked about moving Em's room to our extra 3rd bedroom, moving baby things back in from the garage to Em's current room (which still has Suzy's Zoo baby wallpaper border), where should we pursue infant daycare centers, how long should we wait to share the news with Em, etc. DH and I decided not to share the news with our family until after my first OB appointment.

The next morning I scheduled an appointment for Monday 1/12 with my OB to "confirm the pregnancy" and check our status (health, duedate, etc.)

Tues and Weds were fun, as DH and I continued to plan...

Halfway through Thursday I started having abdominal cramping at work. The cramps felt like severe menstrual cramps...like my stomach was being pushed and twisted on the lower right and lower left sides. Fearing the worst, I prepared for a substitute teacher and planned to take the day off Friday. (Sorry for the TMI, but I was relieved when I ran to the restroom and there was NO spotting.) I tried to ease my anxiety by researching on the Internet. I found many websites that said cramping is common in the early weeks of pregnancy, as a woman's uterus starts to expand. I was a little bit relieved....but still anxious. I had NO cramping with Emma...and as this is my 2nd child, shouldn't my uterus still be somewhat stretched out? I was able to make an appointment with Lynn, the midwife at my OB's office for 10:30 Friday morning. I made it through the night, restless and not sleeping well...and cramping all night.

Friday morning I went to the appointment at 10:30. The urine test at the OB's office, also indicated that I am pregnant. The staff confirmed that cramping sometimes occurs in the early stages of pregnancy. Then Lynn, the midwife did a vaginal ultrasound and couldn't find anything. She told me not to worry, this could just mean that I am too early along for a fetus to be detected. (Fetus' are not usually visible via ultrasound until the mother is 4-5 or more weeks along.) Wow...I'm even earlier along than I thought.

Lynn called in the ultrasound tech, to have her try to view the Peanut. The technician said the same thing. She could see "thickening of the uterine lining," but no fetus. She assured me this was likely not cause for alarm, but rather just a very early pregnancy. Umm....yeah. At this point I'm starting to regret coming by myself and telling DH to go to work.

They gave me a RX for blood work to have blood drawn on both Friday and Monday. In the early stages of pregnancy, the mother's hormone levels nearly double on a daily basis. If the blood work next week shows that my levels are increasing appropriately, there will not be cause for alarm. (Next week? Yikes...long wait!) She also asked me to have a higher tech ultrasound at a local Imaging Center, to try to see the fetus.

So I left the OB's office and called to arrange a 2:30 appt at the imaging center. I went and had my blood work done, had some lunch, and then headed home. I had to drink 32 oz of water before my ultrasound, so drank, drank, drank and then headed off to my appointment.

At the imaging center the ultrasound hurt! The technician poked and prodded and apologized, but said she was trying to get "clear" pictures of my ovaries. After 20 minutes of ultrasound pics, she began typing notes I could see on the monitor. I remember snippets: "pregnant with abdominal pain, but no bleeding" and then "cystic mass on left ovary" As the technician left, she told me the doctor would be in to speak with me in a little while. She left. I barely held back tears as I waited.

After about 20 minutes, the ultrasound technician came in and said she had spoken with the Imaging Center doctor who was going to call my OB. I could get dressed and wait in the waiting room for further instructions.

5 more excruciating minutes...they called me back to an office where the midwife, Lynne from my OB's office was on the phone. Lynn said that the ultrasound indicated I have a cyst on my left ovary. The ultrasound also did not detect the fetus. She wanted me to go the emergency room at Memorial Hospital immediately for blood work. There was still a chance that I am pregnant and also have an ovarian cyst. However, there is also a chance that I have an ectopic pregnancy and that the fetus is part of the cystic mass...and ectopic pregnancies if left untreated can eventually kill the mother. Holy crap!

I made it out of the office. Started crying before I made it to my car. Texted DH at work that he needed to leave so he could be with me at ER. Called Papa to see if he could pick up Emma from school...and headed to the ER.

Met DH in front of the hospital. When we arrived at the ER there were at least 20 people already in the waiting room. Sighs. Fortunately, DH's Mom was seeing a patient of her own in the ER. (She's a Physician's Assistant.) She made a trade: helped the ER crew out with one of their patients, so that they would get me in sooner. We only waited about 30 minutes...

Then another urine specimen and more blood work...and an IV drip "just in case." The nurse said:
--I need to understand that if the pregnancy is ectopic the baby can NOT survive, and I will possibly have to have surgery to remove it so that it doesn't kill me.
--If it is a cyst and a normal pregnancy, it is possible that the baby is fine and I will have a healthy delivery. We'll have to monitor the cyst to see if it bursts on it's own or if it needs to eventually be surgically removed.

The nice doctor confirmed this when he came in. We waited about 2 1/2 hours for the blood work results to be returned. Doc said my hormone levels indicate a normal rather than ectopic pregnancy. Whew! He said his "gut feeling" tells him I have a normal pregnancy and a cyst...however, I do still need to do blood work follow-up as requested by OB's office next Monday to ensure that my hormone levels are increasing appropriately. Mother-in-law knew the ER doc and said she trusts his input...so I'm trying to have peace of mind.

So basically things are "most likely" safe. But it is still a waiting game. I still have my OB appointment next Friday. I'm taking Monday off work to get blood work done and see if OB wants to see me as well.

I didn't really realize how much I wanted the little Peanut until I thought I had lost it. I'm trying so hard to "let go, let God." I know it isn't ultimately up to me...and that I need to trust that whether or not there is a Peanut, it is all part of a larger plan. But sometimes letting go is so difficult. Grow, little Peanut, grow! Be visible in next week's ultrasound so that we know everything is o-kay.

Today I need to call my principal and ask if I can postpone my yearly observation which is scheduled for this Wednesday. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to give him all the details...I know I don't have to. But part of me wants to...if things work out, we'll need to start planning for next autumn and Peanut's arrival.

And so the waiting continues...