Monday, September 14, 2009

Emotional Struggles

(Sorry in advance for the depressed tone, but this blog is my place to vent...and the paragraphs below explain where I've been emotionally the past week and a half.)

Last week I had a bit of an internal emotional struggle. Emma's former classmate's mother, AB was induced and gave birth to a lovely baby girl. I struggled because the baby was born on my Dad's birthday. (The envy set in---why couldn't I be having a kiddo on that day?) But mostly, I was upset because AB is the only person I know in real life who was pregnant when I was. Back in January she and I found out we were pregnant the same week. We talked about how neat it would be having both of our kids the same ages. Then a week later I miscarried Peanut. Sighs. I am happy for AB (and her family,) but even though I think I've "moved on" miscarriage wise, AB is the one person it is still difficult for me to face.

Over the summer I saw pregnant friends, held newborn babies of friends, even looked at a scrapbook/babybook one friend made, and I was truly happy for them AND okay emotionally. But I think because I associate AB's pregnancy with my own pregnancy, it's just a little much for me to handle.

Thankfully, AB and her DH opted to change schools for their son this year, so I haven't seen AB in person for a while. I'm able to pick and choose which emails I read fully, or skim and scan over. There seems to be a ratio... Emails talking about AB's general health = read fully; emails giving every baby detail = skim/scan/delete. Am I a jerk, or what?

Why can I read details of online friends' pregnancies and view pictures of their children or growing bellies or ultrasounds and be thrilled for them? Yet a woman I know personally is difficult to acknowledge?

I have to guiltily admit I felt RELIEF that I'll be out of town this weekend. Another girlfriend sent an evite to a jewelry party she's having. After I RSVPed "no," I noticed that AB had RSVPed "maybe," and had added a comment that "it might be nice to get out of the house for a bit." ACKKKK! I hate that I felt relieved that I won't be seeing AB just yet. But when will I be ready?

The social worker in me senses avoidance. The mama-who-wants-Baby #2 in me senses survival.

I thought my heart had healed...now I'm not so sure.

15 comments:

sklay723 said...

I am so sorry...and you definitely don't have to apologize for the "tone" of your blog. It's a great place for you to come whenever you have something you need to talk about or vent about. Sending you digital *hugs* and hoping that everything gets better for you soon!!!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

(((hugs)))

I am sorry that you are facing this difficult time... You never ever have to apologize for what you are feeling! I know that when you feel strong enough, you will be able to celebrate with your friend, and it will be from the heart. Until then, do what you have to do to protect your heart... and know that there are many out here in bloggy land that are supporting you in our thoughts and prayers!

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry sweetie! You're NOT a jerk, at all! It's hard, we know and understand that. It takes time for your heart to heal. It all comes and goes.

Sending you lots of love and peace, sweetie.
*HUGS*

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

You are not a jerk in any way, shape, or form! I think your feelings are completely normal, and truthfully, I am quite impressed (and a bit jealous) that you recognize and acknowledge them. Big hugs to you.

(And never apologize for what you write - YOUR blog, YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings.)

Carrie27 said...

No matter how long it has been, that wound is still there. Of course seeing someone who should have been you is just opening up that sore. You have every right to feel the way you do. Hugs.

Shelli said...

I can so relate to your post. I have had similiar experiences, and continue to have them.

It is a struggle to stay "engaged" with certain friends and family when these feeling come up. You are doing the best you can!!! Remember that.

Sunny said...

Don't be hard on yourself, Alana. What you are going through is normal! There are still certain emails that I don't read... pictures I delete without looking... there are just places that our hearts don't want to go right now. And that's totally, completely okay. IF is difficult (to say the least) and sometimes we have to protect ourselves.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a "lurker" without my own blog. I was moved by your post and can definitely relate to wanting to avoid pregnant friends and family members.

Hugs!

tbonegrl said...

When we couldn't get pregnant, I started to get so angry at pregnant women, it scared me. I think it is a normal feeling and reaction to have.

((HUGS))

Jendeis said...

Man, I hear you.

Lavender Luz said...

I vote no on the jerk thing. Because that would make almost every person who has endured IF a jerk.

Healing happens not in a straight line but in a spiral. Be gentle with yourself.

And vent away!

Delenn said...

So sorry this is tough. I think it is fine for you to avoid her--its okay, and she should be understanding enough to not be offended. You will face her eventually, but only when you are ready.

Chrissy said...

I'm sorry....{{}} When I was pregnant with my first daughter, three other women where I taught were also pregnant. We were due within a few months of each other. My daughter was stillborn. Losing her was so hard; and being reminded of the lives that flourished was also painful, as I faced my friends and their babies.

Now, 17 years later, those same children are a marker for me. I see a little bit of Sara, as she would be, whenever a Christmas card arrives, etc. As time goes by, perhaps your hurt will ease, if you remain in contact with AB. Hugs, again--Chrissy

{ Bethany } said...

I feel the same way about a close friend of mine. We were pregnant together three years ago, both had little boys. My little boy was born w/ a genetic disorder and needed a liver transplant. We waited 6 months, he never got one, and passed away 2 weeks before his 1st birthday.

Its almost been one year since he died. I am almost "okay"...I see little boys his age and don't instantly feel like someone punched me, I can babysit for others' kids.

But her son...I just can't be around him. Its so sad, but he reminds me of my son too much. I feel like a jerk a too sometimes. Its hurt my friendship w/ her, but it is what it is. I have to protect my heart.

Maybe someday I will be able to move past it. Just know you aren't alone in your feelings. And that theyre just that...feelings. You can't help what you feel. *hug*

~Bethany
Angel Gavin's mom

Danifred said...

Hugs to you!!!!