(Sorry in advance for the depressed tone, but this blog is my place to vent...and the paragraphs below explain where I've been emotionally the past week and a half.)
Last week I had a bit of an internal emotional struggle. Emma's former classmate's mother, AB was induced and gave birth to a lovely baby girl. I struggled because the baby was born on my Dad's birthday. (The envy set in---why couldn't I be having a kiddo on that day?) But mostly, I was upset because AB is the only person I know in real life who was pregnant when I was. Back in January she and I found out we were pregnant the same week. We talked about how neat it would be having both of our kids the same ages. Then a week later I miscarried Peanut. Sighs. I am happy for AB (and her family,) but even though I think I've "moved on" miscarriage wise, AB is the one person it is still difficult for me to face.
Over the summer I saw pregnant friends, held newborn babies of friends, even looked at a scrapbook/babybook one friend made, and I was truly happy for them AND okay emotionally. But I think because I associate AB's pregnancy with my own pregnancy, it's just a little much for me to handle.
Thankfully, AB and her DH opted to change schools for their son this year, so I haven't seen AB in person for a while. I'm able to pick and choose which emails I read fully, or skim and scan over. There seems to be a ratio... Emails talking about AB's general health = read fully; emails giving every baby detail = skim/scan/delete. Am I a jerk, or what?
Why can I read details of online friends' pregnancies and view pictures of their children or growing bellies or ultrasounds and be thrilled for them? Yet a woman I know personally is difficult to acknowledge?
I have to guiltily admit I felt RELIEF that I'll be out of town this weekend. Another girlfriend sent an evite to a jewelry party she's having. After I RSVPed "no," I noticed that AB had RSVPed "maybe," and had added a comment that "it might be nice to get out of the house for a bit." ACKKKK! I hate that I felt relieved that I won't be seeing AB just yet. But when will I be ready?
The social worker in me senses avoidance. The mama-who-wants-Baby #2 in me senses survival.
I thought my heart had healed...now I'm not so sure.
1 day ago