Celebrity SIF

I promise I'll be back this weekend with life updates and a MUCH belated Sock-it-to-me posting.

But I wanted to share a link I came across about actress Emma Thompson discussing her issues with depression, some of which were related to her dealing with Secondary Infertility.

Click HERE to read the article.

It's rare for most celebrities to mention or discuss fertility issues...especially with regards to secondary infertility. I was glad to see the issue brought to the limelight, though of course saddened that Ms. Thompson had to endure SIF issues at all.

Checking In

I've been away from Blogland for a while. The short version: I am struggling internally to figure out where I "fit" in both the Blog universe and the IF/SIF world...

...I hope that one of these days I'll be able to blog more details. For now I'm not ready to "share all" just yet. Thus, I'm just going to update on the basics:

March:

-First a WAY belated thank you to those who voted for me in the limerick contest! I was tickled to earn 2nd place in my round of voting. (And I loved the winning limerick, so can't complain a bit.) :)

-Emma turned 6 1/2 on St. Patrick's Day. I continue to be awed as a parent. Her growth and eagerness to explore and learn new things are wonderful . (And holy crap how can her kindergarten year be nearly over?!)





-My bro-in-law and his family visited Jacksonville during their spring break. It was great to see them. Em was especially thrilled to have an entire "cousin day" at the beach and Nana's house while our relatives kindly babysat Emma when I worked during a teacher's planning day. Kicking myself, because I didn't take any pics during their visit. Doh!

-For the first time in several years, my younger sister Laurel had the same spring break as Emma and I. She traveled from Ohio and spent the week with us. Unfortunately, we had rain everyday of her visit except for one. We still managed to have a great time, but with less fun-in-the-sun than we anticipated.

Here are some highlights from our adventures during her visit:

We visited the Jacksonville Fire Museum:















Em and Auntie Laurel pose on the antique fire truck.


Em and I "climbing" the fire pole.




We went to the Jacksonville Zoo to view the special "Dino Alive" exhibit. The exhibit was neat---we walked along a pathway in the forest looking at life-like dinosaur robotics.

Em enjoyed climbing on this bamboo hut structure we passed along the way...








Creepy!


Auntie Laurel and Emma








2 of my favorite gals on the bridge in the Asian section of the zoo:







Of course a zoo-day isn't complete without a carousel ride!


Self-portrait




The highlight of Laurel's visit was her last day....it was finally SUNNY and beautiful the entire day! DH was able to be off of work to spend the day with Laurel, Em, and I. We went to St. Augustine where we explored St. George Street, rode on a Sightseeing Train, and visited the Pirate and Treasure museum. It was a wonderful day!







--At the end of March, DH (finally) allowed me to read the 5th draft of his novel!! I thought it was super. Per his request I offered some editing suggestions. The story is creative and though sci-fi-ish which isn't my usual #1 choice, I think it has great selling-potential. DH has made revisions and is again seeking agent representation to be published. I SO hope for him that things work out. I admire him sticking with it... He has a co-worker who recently self-published a book. I applaud DH for following his instinct and seeking an agent, as he has seen how his co-worker's self-publishing is not the format he hopes to become published with.

April:
-The transmission in my car went ka-put. Argh. $3,000. My car is a 2002 Honda Civic and though we hated to fork out the $$$, I liked hearing confirmation from the mechanic that Hondas are "great cars" and there are still "plenty of good years" left in mine.

-DH and I celebrated our birthdays...my 36th and his 37th. I received some books from my reading wish list, a dinner out, and surprise cake from Em and DH. We didn't splurge much this year due to the previously mentioned car transmission.

-At the end of the month I chaperoned Em's class field trip to the zoo---SOOOO fun! All my pics were taken on my phone...and I am having difficulty getting them to post, so maybe another time??

-I was able to speak with Emma's teacher, Ms. H about a few things:
1. Ms. H is referring Em to the school psychologist to have her tested for "gifted" placement for next school year.
2. Ms. H spoke about how Emma and Bryce are a "great match" as friends. They are kind to one another, have supportive home lives, and play really well together. At the beginning of the year Em had a few play dates with a girl in her class, Vianna. DH and I noticed in mid-November that Em rarely mentioned Vianna anymore, but mentioned Bryce quite frequently. The teacher reported that Vianna tends to be wishy-washy with her friendships and a bit of a "drama queen" about things...said it was smart of Em to steer away from Vianna when she did. During our zoo field trip I was able to see Em and Bryce in action. I was particularly pleased to watch them when a class bully was saying rude things to them... Bryce leaned in, and whispered something to Emma. Then the 2 of them giggled and walked away from the bully. Priceless! :)

-Easter:
-Easter weekend I had a bit of a stomach bug. My in-laws kindly picked up Em so she could accompany them to the family feast at my sis-in-law's house. These blurry pics are the only pics I took this year.







May:
-The U.S. was finally able to locate Osama Bin Laden. I am grateful he was found. I have mixed emotions about my own feelings and those portrayed in the media---it seems so weird to be joyful over the death of someone. Nonetheless, I am thankful Bin Laden's reign over terrorists has ended. Though like many others I have concerns for the retaliation his followers might plan.

My extremely tough school year continues....
-On Thursday my school was in a "Code Yellow" emergency status for 4 1/2 hours. This means all classroom doors are locked and no one is permitted to enter or leave any rooms without receiving an "all clear" from the office. Short version: some students from a nearby high school threatened to bring a gun on campus to attack one of the 8th grade students at my school. After school, we ended up releasing bus-riders only 2 buses at a time. (Usually when the end of day bell rings, all students are dismissed. Then all busses are dismissed 10 minutes later.) We were still locked in our classrooms 45 minutes AFTER school was dismissed. Luckily, no weapons were discovered, all students were able to leave safely, and NO ONE was hurt. The letter sent home with students by our principal and the interview she gave on the local news report stated that we were in Code Yellow status due to "rumors."

-We are in the final stretch now. The last day of school for students is June 10th. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

-I've continued my pursuit of online masters degree programs. I think I have it narrowed down to 4 programs. My biggest issue is trying to decide which would be best long-term: a degree in educational leadership, or a masters in reading. It's difficult because with budget cuts and the havoc in the education system, I no longer "know" that I will retire in the education field. While I have no current plans to leave teaching, I no longer feel this is a "permanent" career. I guess only time will tell.

WHEW! I think that is the latest... I hope you've been well, Dear Readers.

2 Years

Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of my miscarriage.

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have the 2nd child I'm hoping for?

I can't help but think how different things could be right now.

I can't help but hope.

The saga continues...

A Bit of Progress

This weekend I made HUGE emotional progress. While I still want a 2nd child, I've been working myself up for a few months to try to accept that I may be "meant to be" the mother of a singleton. I am NOT by any means giving up on my dream of a 2nd child yet, but...

Rather than decking the house with Christmas decor as I intended when I awoke on Saturday morning, I instead cleaned the garage. Mind you, the majority of this "cleaning" consisted of loading hubby's mini van and my car until they were filled to the max with Emma's old baby clothing and items. I had large R.ubbermaid bins filled with infant clothes, 1 year clothes, 2 year clothes, etc. from each year of Emma's life. I included the baby Exersaucer, the crib mobile, the baby kick-and-play-station items, bedding, infant/toddler toys a whole R.ubbermaid of books, etc. With the exception of the wall hangings and crib set (which match the wallpaper border still in Em's old room) I got rid of everything except for:
--2 boxes of my ultimate "favorite" clothing I plan to gift to two of my girlfriends who recently had baby girls
--1 Baby swing I already offered to a PG friend.
--Em's old high chair (it perfectly matches our kitchen table, so we'll store it in the garage for a bit longer.)

I shed a few tears looking at some of the clothing before packing up our cars... But then I realized that the tears weren't really for the baby-who-isn't. They were tears of nostalgia as I remembered people giving me the outfits for Em, or times/places Baby-Emma wore particular clothing.

We tried to sell the items to a local consignment shop, but they were super busy and had specific requirements as to how they wanted clothing "delivered" before they would review it and provide an estimate. I decided it wasn't worth the hassle, so we took the rest of the things to the S.alvation.Army and donated them. The men working there were very gracious saying they would likely use some of the things "to give some families a really nice Christmas."

Obviously, as Emma is SIX, I had been hanging on to many of these items for a long while. I originally kept the items with hopes of saving $$ for Child #2...but as time went on, we were running out of storage space. (We don't have a basement or attic and our garage was getting to be out of control with floor-to-ceiling storage containers in many places.)

The best part... I know it has only been 24 hours, but I DON'T HURT. Even as recently as summer (4 months ago) it still tore at my heart to think of getting rid of the old baby items. It made me feel like I was giving up on my dream. Now I feel like I am moving on emotionally...

As I said, I still want Child #2, I just realize logically (for once) that keeping hand-me-downs for 6 years isn't going to work! Yay me! :)

One Year

Tomorrow (1/13) is the one year anniversary of when I learned I was having a miscarriage...

I'm not sure where I expected to "be" in the emotional sense. In many regards, I've moved on with my life. Yet, in many other ways my desire for another child repeatedly brings me back to the fact that I miscarried my last pregnancy. Harsh, but true.

Generally I think I'm over the emotional pain associated with my loss. Meaning, I don't have feelings of grief or "why did I lose my baby?" However, I still have much longing. I still experience moments of intense jealousy when I see babies...or sometimes even just baby-related items.

Fortunately, my "bump envy" over seeing (or hearing about) pregnant women seems to have mostly subsided. And though I may have a quick glimmer of "Damn! I can't believe ANOTHER friend is pregnant and I'm not," I do feel truly happy for my friends and family who are expecting.

Part of my self-inflicted time crunch for wanting another child is that in 4 months I'll be 35. While I in no way consider 35 "old," I know it comes with a whole new set of risks for a baby's health. Not to mention increased risk of another miscarriage. GULP!

The rational side of me acknowledges that my mother and both grandmothers had children when they were over 35. In fact, my Dad's mother literally had FOUR children in FIVE years, and the first child (my Dad) was born when she was 36.

My rationale also acknowledges that my maternal grandmother and my mother had their children with very large age gaps. (My Mom and her twin brother were born 17 years younger than their oldest brother, 15 years younger than their next brother, and 6 years younger than their sister. Talk about having kids at home for 20+ years...wow!) (In my family my older sis is 8 years older than me, and I'm 4 1/2 years older than my younger sis.)

To my knowledge, neither grandmother had any complications with their pregnancies. (Though I still find it fascinating that my grandmother didn't know she was pregnant with twins until the day my Mom and her brother were delivered. What a surprise!)

My Mom suffered at least one miscarriage between the birth of my older sister and I. I don't know of any miscarriage history with either of my grandmothers.

Dad's Mom was 41 with the delivery of her last child. Mom's Mom was 37 with her last delivery---the twins. And my Mom was 36 with the birth of my younger sister. Looking at my family history....at 2 grandmothers and a mom who between them birthed 12 children.... it makes me wondered if my genes are pre-destined to have a child in my late 30's. Am I being illogical?

An interesting fact found on the March of Dimes website: 1 in 5 women in the U.S. has her FIRST child after age 35.

I am not anti-fertility treatments. I just know that my family history has shown on both sides of my family that children were eventually conceived WITHOUT fertility aides. Combining this with my worry of the expense (I have MUCH Mama guilt over the thought of blowing our future larger-house-fund and/or Emma's college fund on fertility treatments. It's sooooo hard considering spending money on a "maybe." If only there were a 100% guarantee, I wouldn't fret so much.) This is why I've avoided the "fertility" doc for so long. Because the reality is...if my OB refers me to a fertility specialist, beyond testing to find out why we're not getting pregnant...I don't know how far I want to pursue things. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous when you take into account I want another child. But it's what I'm feeling, so I'm putting it in writing. Are you getting the sense of whirlwind emotions I'm experiencing?

I won't even go into the Mama-guilt of "Emma should be enough." I pray that she never, EVER thinks she isn't. One day I will explain to her that so much of my longing for another child is because sibling relationships are so important to me. The fact that I want a sibling FOR Emma, is much of why I want a baby added to our family.

So, today is like many others. I sometimes think, "What if?" What if I hadn't miscarried the baby...I'd have a 4 month-old infant right now. Em would have a sibling. Would the longing in my heart go away? I force myself to move on. To not dwell nor feel sorry for myself. But I continue my dream of wanting another child.

And though my heart feels like time is ticking away, my mind wonders if I just need to hang on a bit longer...

ICLW--Welcome!

Welcome, ICLWers! This is my 3rd time participating in International Comment Leaving Week. As always, I am looking forward to meeting new online friends, and checking out new blogs. :)

Since most ICLWers are here because of Mel's blog, I thought I'd do a quick run-down of my IF history...

--Met DH in 1994. We lived in the same co-ed dorm at Ohio University. We started dating in 1995 and got married in 1998, shortly after moving from Ohio to Florida.

--We intentionally waited 4 years before TTC. We wanted to pay off some loans, get settled with our bills, become a 2-car instead of 1-car household, etc. Not to mention, it was great to have lots of "US" time. :)

--Once we began "trying," my OBgyn said not to "worry," until after 2 years, as I had been on various forms of birth control pills over the years.

--Right at the 2 year mark, I became pregnant with our daughter, Emma. She was born healthy and sweet at 37 weeks in Sept 2004. I cherish her everyday!

--For 3+ years now, we've been TTC another child. Emma has mentioned interest in having a sibling many times. She will be 5 in September. As she gets older, I freak out---I don't want her to be an "only" child. I have real issues with this. Sibling relationships are SO important to me. But at the same time, I don't want a huge age gap between her and a sibling...so it's a bit of an internal struggle for me sometimes.

--Of course, as Emma gets older, I get older too. I turned 34 this past April. I try not to freak out too much, when each month passes and I'm not PG yet. This is somewhat of an internal struggle at times too. When will I know I should give up on my dream of having another child?

--This past January ('09) we were thrilled to learn I was pregnant. DH and I were very excited! We planned to share the news with our families after my OB appointment (scheduled for 2 weeks after my HPT) confirmed the pregnancy. Sadly, I had a miscarriage a few days before the appointment. (If you're interested in details, you can read this post or click on any items labeled "peanut" or "miscarriage" in my blog topic list.)

--After my miscarriage, my OB told me to come back this summer if I wasn't PG yet, and we would figure out our next steps from there.

--On a side note, I suspect that I also had a miscarriage in the fall of '08. However, as I never took a hpt nor went to the OB, this is unconfirmed. But based on the way my body felt, and the miscarriage I endured in January, I'm pretty sure I had one in the fall as well.

--So, I am praying for peace of mind. If I am not meant to have another child, let me figure it out and find peace. If I am meant to have another child, let me stay calm, try to remain be patient and wait for the good things to come.

--Now it's a waiting game... and a hoping game... and a keep-going-without-getting-too-down-on-myself game... Welcome to my blog, where I vent to keep myself sane! :)

Just For Today

Just for today, I am loving my body. I've been feeling fat and disappointed in myself lately. DH started a 90 day "P90X" exercise program. It's a 13 DVD set with workouts for an HOUR a day. He's been at it for a week now and is doing great. Though I get totally annoyed when he devotes so much time to exercise (especially when the house is a disaster zone, the pets need fed, our daughter is watching TV instead of interacting with a parent, etc.) there is part of me that truly admires his perseverance.

I've been toying with the idea of running for a while now. In middle school I was part of the "Fun Run" team. We went running through neighborhoods nearby the school, and had fun workouts with Ms. Hoffman the cool P.E. coach. In high school, I'd run once in a while. The house I grew up in was less than a mile from corn fields in the country. I used to love walking/jogging on Waldo Road...past the fresh flowers, horses in the fields, corn taller than me, etc. In college my friend (and later roommate) Amy and I would meet each other and go running on the awesome biking/walking trail at Ohio U. Then winter came...we both busted our butts on the ice a few times and our exercise regime dwindled "until spring." We just never got back into it.

So I gained the "freshman 10." And the sophomore "20"...and I stopped keeping track of my actual weight. DH and I met my sophomore year, and began dating my junior year at OU. Neither of us was into exercise. But I wasn't "obese," and unhappy with myself.

We got married in '98 three months after my graduation from OU. (DH graduated in '97.) Over the past 10+ years, my weight has been increasing. Though disgruntled with myself, I was never "fed up" enough to stick to any diets or work out plans. (I'm a typical yo-yo-er with regards to weight loss.) I joined Curves (a women only gym) a few years ago. I did great...lost some pounds, built some muscle....and then never went back when my work schedule changed so that I was unable to get to the gym after work anymore.

Em came along in '04. I gained a little weight with her, but not too much. I tried to be supportive when DH started running. He began running and working out when I was pregnant. On the one hand I was proud of him for taking care of himself (as his pounds had increased, just as mine had.) On the other hand, I wanted to strangle him whine and scream that while I was pregnant with our child he was LOSING weight. ARGH!

We've been trying to have another child for 2+ years now. This summer we have an appointment with my OB to determine our "next steps." If I am honest with myself, I wonder how much (if any) of our secondary infertility has to do with my weight. DH has continued to run and workout regularly since he started before Em. I try not to be too hard on myself...and to tell myself that the reality is that my weight may have nothing to do with our TTC. However, the negative "I'm too fat" mindset sets in sometimes.

Earlier this week, (the day after the "Biggest Loser" finale, actually) I was thinking that I should run in a half marathon. Then I remembered that there is a yearly half marathon at Disney World. (I *HEART* Disney World!) I was thinking that it would be really cool to run the half marathon there... Why when I haven't run in nearly 10 years did this strike me as a good idea? I'm really not sure. I think I've hit my "breaking point" of disgust with myself.

By coincidence, last night, DH mentioned that he had been in contact with one of our old OU buds via FaceBook. The friend had stated that she and another OU pal might be running in the half marathon at Disney in March! I haven't mentioned my secret ambition to DH yet. I am forcing myself to write this post...because printing it makes me accountable. I don't know if I'll be ready by March...but I would love it if I was. Running 13 miles straight by March....that would be awesome!

So I started today. I RAN today. Baby steps....I ran every-other song on my iPod. Walked for two songs, then ran for all of "Cotton Eye Joe," walked a song, RAN for half of "Devil Went Down to Georgia," walked 2 songs, then finished by running for ALL of "All 4 Love" (Love me some "Color Me Badd!") Went nearly 2 miles total...not sure how far was running...but at least I did it!

So just for today, I am happy with my body. This body that helped me carry my sweet Emma. This body that I KNEW was in labor even when the doctor blew me off. This body that delivered Em ALL naturally without any epidural, not because I planned for a natural childbirth, but because I was already 5 cm dilated by the time we got to the hospital. (Em arrived less than 2 hours later. She was a super quick delivery...and too fast for an epidural.) If I can go through the pain of childbirth and recovery (I will never forget the pain of stitches "down there" without any numbing medication....it hurt almost worse than the delivery itself!) If I can endure the heartache of miscarriage and longing for another child. If I can nudge myself by remembering that I want to be the best mommy I can be....and by acknowledging that right now my fat bum and junk food eating exercise habits are not setting a good example for my Emma... then I CAN RUN!

Yes, just for today, I am loving Me! :)

Secondary Infertility

I googled "Secondary Infertility" today and came across this amazing article (CLICK HERE) about a woman experiencing secondary infertility (SI.) The article wonderfully explains what I've been feeling the past year and a half...

The author, Victoria Lambert, drew me in with this PERFECT description:
"I fully appreciate that I am infinitely luckier than all those who are unable to conceive at all – either through infertility, timing or sheer bad luck – but that doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear.

What I could not have known before my daughter was born was that infertility is infertility, plain and simple, whenever it occurs. I had no idea that trying for a second child would be like starting with a blank page; that my accumulated wisdom and experience of motherhood would count for nothing in terms of conception."

--Lambert goes on to describe the guilt she feels about one child not being "enough," the frustration with her body...why can't it create another child?, the guilt the current child gives because they want a sibling, the pain of seeing all of the baby items she keeps stored in hopes that she can use them for another child. YES! SOMEONE OUT THERE UNDERSTANDS! This is completely and totally what I am going through.

--Lambert brought me to tears with the closing of her article: "These days, it has to be said, I long for my need for a second child to go away almost as much as I do for a positive pregnancy test."


I myself am not at that point yet. I've always envisioned my life as being part of a family of 4. Right now, I'm not willing to give up my dream. But I am wondering how will I know when enough is enough? When should I give up my dream of another child? Sighs.

And does the hurt ever go away? In January the week the OB confirmed I was pregnant, the mother of one of Emma's schoolmates also learned she was pregnant. I remember talking and planning things with DH and we thought it was interesting timing that Baby #2 would be born around the time of Em's September birthday. My miscarriage occurred a week later. This week I heard from the schoolmate's mother for the first time in quite a while. She was overjoyed at her Sept 13th duedate. 4 days before Em's bday. Ouch!

I've dealt with many pregnancies-of-friends-and-acquaintances over the past few months. One of my college buddies is due anytime...I am thrilled for her. There is a teacher-intern at my school who is due in June...I am genuinely excited for her. Yet for some reason, Emma's schoolmate's mother is just so painful for me to deal with. Perhaps because the timing of her pregnancy? I don't know. But I feel like such a bitch when I plaster on my fake smile and try to speed up any encounters we have. I certainly don't have any ill-will towards her personally. I am just experiencing bump envy again. ARGH!

I feel a little better now that I've ranted. Thank you, dear Readers for letting me vent. And to those experiencing SI, I encourage you to read the article...it really moved me.