One Year

Tomorrow (1/13) is the one year anniversary of when I learned I was having a miscarriage...

I'm not sure where I expected to "be" in the emotional sense. In many regards, I've moved on with my life. Yet, in many other ways my desire for another child repeatedly brings me back to the fact that I miscarried my last pregnancy. Harsh, but true.

Generally I think I'm over the emotional pain associated with my loss. Meaning, I don't have feelings of grief or "why did I lose my baby?" However, I still have much longing. I still experience moments of intense jealousy when I see babies...or sometimes even just baby-related items.

Fortunately, my "bump envy" over seeing (or hearing about) pregnant women seems to have mostly subsided. And though I may have a quick glimmer of "Damn! I can't believe ANOTHER friend is pregnant and I'm not," I do feel truly happy for my friends and family who are expecting.

Part of my self-inflicted time crunch for wanting another child is that in 4 months I'll be 35. While I in no way consider 35 "old," I know it comes with a whole new set of risks for a baby's health. Not to mention increased risk of another miscarriage. GULP!

The rational side of me acknowledges that my mother and both grandmothers had children when they were over 35. In fact, my Dad's mother literally had FOUR children in FIVE years, and the first child (my Dad) was born when she was 36.

My rationale also acknowledges that my maternal grandmother and my mother had their children with very large age gaps. (My Mom and her twin brother were born 17 years younger than their oldest brother, 15 years younger than their next brother, and 6 years younger than their sister. Talk about having kids at home for 20+ years...wow!) (In my family my older sis is 8 years older than me, and I'm 4 1/2 years older than my younger sis.)

To my knowledge, neither grandmother had any complications with their pregnancies. (Though I still find it fascinating that my grandmother didn't know she was pregnant with twins until the day my Mom and her brother were delivered. What a surprise!)

My Mom suffered at least one miscarriage between the birth of my older sister and I. I don't know of any miscarriage history with either of my grandmothers.

Dad's Mom was 41 with the delivery of her last child. Mom's Mom was 37 with her last delivery---the twins. And my Mom was 36 with the birth of my younger sister. Looking at my family history....at 2 grandmothers and a mom who between them birthed 12 children.... it makes me wondered if my genes are pre-destined to have a child in my late 30's. Am I being illogical?

An interesting fact found on the March of Dimes website: 1 in 5 women in the U.S. has her FIRST child after age 35.

I am not anti-fertility treatments. I just know that my family history has shown on both sides of my family that children were eventually conceived WITHOUT fertility aides. Combining this with my worry of the expense (I have MUCH Mama guilt over the thought of blowing our future larger-house-fund and/or Emma's college fund on fertility treatments. It's sooooo hard considering spending money on a "maybe." If only there were a 100% guarantee, I wouldn't fret so much.) This is why I've avoided the "fertility" doc for so long. Because the reality is...if my OB refers me to a fertility specialist, beyond testing to find out why we're not getting pregnant...I don't know how far I want to pursue things. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous when you take into account I want another child. But it's what I'm feeling, so I'm putting it in writing. Are you getting the sense of whirlwind emotions I'm experiencing?

I won't even go into the Mama-guilt of "Emma should be enough." I pray that she never, EVER thinks she isn't. One day I will explain to her that so much of my longing for another child is because sibling relationships are so important to me. The fact that I want a sibling FOR Emma, is much of why I want a baby added to our family.

So, today is like many others. I sometimes think, "What if?" What if I hadn't miscarried the baby...I'd have a 4 month-old infant right now. Em would have a sibling. Would the longing in my heart go away? I force myself to move on. To not dwell nor feel sorry for myself. But I continue my dream of wanting another child.

And though my heart feels like time is ticking away, my mind wonders if I just need to hang on a bit longer...