Sunday, January 22, 2012

Long Time Gone...

Thank you Dixie Chicks for my opening mantra:
"A longtime gone/ No I ain't hit the roof since I don't know when/longtime gone/and it ain't comin' back again."

My blog avoidance started with work stress. For those of you who have been around for awhile (if you're still there??? I know I've been away for literally months.) Anyway, those who've been around will recall that I've been teaching at my current school for 4 years. I've been the reading department chair all 4 years that I've worked here. At the end of the first year and beginning of my 2nd, we had a member of our department who left our school without notice. This puts a HUGE burden on my shoulders as I must help the long-term substitute with grades, attendance, lesson planning, etc. It is a lot of extra work. (Unpaid, might I add.)

This year we started the school year off strong. My 5 person reading department was united and working well together. Then, the 2nd week of school, our newest member ended up being hospitalized. It was literally 2 months of burden for me...she neglected to return ANY phone calls or emails. Not only did we have NO idea where she was hospitalized or what was even wrong with her health, we had NO idea if she planned to return to teaching at our school. Eventually, my principal was able to file a grievance (because the teacher also neglected to return any correspondence with our principal....don't get me started about the total lack of professionalism.) At this point, they were able to hire a long-term substitute teacher who was
able to teach for the last 3 weeks of 1st quarter, and beginning part of 2nd quarter. Though the substitute was eager and helpful, it still created a lot of extra work for me. We were finally able to officially terminate the teacher who'd only taught 2 weeks at our school prior to taking medical leave and never returning anyone's calls. The week before winter break a permanent teaching replacement was hired (bless her heart!) She is sticking with things thus far...though you can imagine how rowdy her classes are after literally a quarter and a half of substitute teachers. Our new teacher is brand new to both teaching in our county AND to using the reading program implemented in my school. So, while I'm thankful she's here it has again been a lot of work helping to train her on the reading software, lesson plan formats, etc. Not to mention, she also was unfamiliar with our county's email and attendance system.

This takes me to the latest...The latter part of 2011 brought me peace with being a mom to an "only." Not that she wasn't previously, but Emma has been such a delight to spend time with. She is eager to learn, SO smart, enjoys playing fun pranks, and has really mellowed out. She has grown to the stage where she has MUCH independence and ability to do things on her own. I truly love spending time with my girl. Around the time of Emma's birthday last September I had started a new mantra for myself---STOP moping around about not having Child #2 and focus on being the best mommy I can be for Emma.

I was finally okay with the idea of not expanding our family. I was truly comfortable emotionally for the first time in years. (Meaning, no longer wallowing over only having 1 child. No longer hoping/planning/longing for Child #2.) Though we only had a few items left in storage after my major purging of Emma's leftover baby items in 2010, I finally got rid of the rest---the high chair, the baby swing, the Suzy's Zoo crib bedding and room decor, and the rest of the baby and toddler toys. I was content with my life and at a good place.

Then the second week of January 2012, I had another miscarriage. (#3.) It was extremely early. SO early that I didn't even know I was pregnant until I started bleeding 9 days before my period should have been. This lead to a FB post I created on January 10th: "Could use thoughts, prayers and well-wishes...going through some stuff. Thanks!"

Tomorrow is my OBGYN follow-up appointment to verify that all is "okay." I've had a few of you who are also my friends in real life and/or on FBook ask me if the OB plans to do a recurrent loss panel. I'm hoping to have some answers tomorrow.

My awful cramping and bleeding (sorry for TMI) stopped around a week ago. DH and I both took one day off work. I was able to lay and cuddle and mope with him in bed all helped immensely.

My difficulty now is that my emotions are in a state of chaos. I feel like every time I come to some type of acceptance of being a mom to "just" one, something happens to swirl my emotions around again. Why does my body have to wreak havoc on my emotions? I was finally---after years---at a place of acceptance. Now I am playing the "What If?" game again. What if I am meant to have another child? Is my miscarriage the Universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't have given up on my dream of expanding our family? OR what if this is some sick way of confirming my thoughts---#2 is not meant to be. Sighs. I'm working toward finding the self-acceptance I reveled in the last few months of 2011.

That's the "big stuff." I will try to be more proactive about blogging. I had forgotten what a great emotional outlet this is. Just typing this post has helped me feel some relief.

I'd appreciate love and well wishes for my morning appointment tomorrow. <3


tbonegrl said...

I continue to pray for you and I will be especially praying for your appointment.

Carrie27 said...

I had no idea. Huge hugs! I think you should talk to the doctor and see what he thinks before making a final decision.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Oh hon... I am so very sorry! Sending hugs, prayers, and thoughts your way. I second the suggestion to wait and see what the doctor says. It's hard to make a decision without all the info available. Praying that a direction will become clear.

Kristin said...

Alana, my beautiful friend, I am so very sorry. If you need someone to talk to, please email me or give me a call. I've been through multiple miscarriage hell and would be glad to lend you an ear

On a happier note, you are the tote bag winner from last year's reading challenge so I will need your address. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers and I hope your appointment goes well.

Jen said...

Oh Alana! My prayers are with you

MrsSpock said...

So sorry! It so hard to figure out we are supposed to do.

jhl said...

This is where I was for three years ... it sucks. I'm so sorry that you're going through this ... and I'm holding you in my thoughts.

Sunny said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Alana. ((((hugs)))) I can only imagine how this stirs up all kinds of feelings for you. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

Mrs.Joyner said...

Oh Alana, I'm so sorry..We recently (well July) experienced m/c #6, so I know what you are feeling & I'm so sorry your body is messing w/your emotions. Please let me know if you need to talk. You are in my thoughts & prayers..

Delenn said...

So sorry. I wish there were easy answers and solutions.