Sunday, January 25, 2009

New Look

The Blog: I LOVE scrapbooking, but haven't done many layouts since Emma was born (due to time and space constraints---I used to scrap in what is now Emma's bedroom.) Part of why I enjoy blogging is it provides an opportunity for me to journal and create an online "scrapbook" of sorts. I have been wanting to create a "scrapbooky" type layout for my blog for a while, but didn't have the time to devote to changing my layout. This weekend, I spent a few hours adding "embellishments" to my sidebar, changing my background and color scheme. Yes, I know I have a daughter (who favors pink and purple) whom is much of what I blog about, but as green and blue are MY favorite colors, and this is MY blog, I went with a layout/color scheme for ME. :)

The World: Barack Obama was sworn in as our 44th president last week. Hooray! I am ecstatic about this and believe that with time he will lead our country through many positive changes.

School: My yearly observation by my principal is scheduled for this Wednesday. I am not nervous. I know I perform my job adequately. Though this is my first observation at this school and by this principal, I anticipate that I will do well. What I am feeling a little crumby about is that between my miscarriage and a horrible headcold, I am still not at 100%, which means I'm not giving 100% at school...I hate that. As a mother, I love knowing my daughter goes to school each day with a teacher who is fair, loving, and who challenges her. I hate that I am not back at that level for my students yet. I am getting there...and it's not like I'm slacking and doing nothing. I just know that my heart hasn't been "in it" the past few weeks, and I haven't been giving as much as I usually do. Sighs... I'm working on it

I'm still struggling as I try to decide whether or not I want to remain at my current school next year. Pros: 1. I like my principal and the faculty a lot 2. The students are MUCH better behaved than those at my prior school 3. Distance to/from home and to/from Em's school/daycare is a 20-min or less commute 4. I have access to much more supplies than I did at my prior school Cons: 1. I hate my classroom. It doesn't have windows and is a dreary blue/gray/green color. 2. I still hate that I am teaching reading AND language arts (and an elective.) Yes, I am certified as both a language arts and reading teacher. But I spent the past 3 years taking courses so that I could teach reading. Last year for the first time, I finally felt passionate about my subject matter (READING) instead of just being passionate about helping my students. Sighs. This year with my school combining language arts and reading...I am not happy. I do not feel I have adequate time to differentiate instruction for my low level readers. The time I used to spend on more specific instruction is now devoted to planning for language arts... So that's it. The pros outweigh the cons. But my main con is a biggie. So I am still contemplating.

Health: My OB's office left a message on Friday saying that my Beta levels were at 3 with the bloodwork I had drawn on Tuesday 1/20. This means I am not in any danger zone. Peanut miscarried fully and as anticipated, I will not have to have a D&C. This Tuesday I go for a follow up appointment during which time I should learn whether or not we have the go ahead to "try again," or if other recommendations will be made.

I'm starting to move on emotionally...though sometimes things still tug at my heartstrings. Our garage is full of baby items that we are storing for use with Kid#2...a highchair, baby swing, infant carseat, Rubbermaid containers filled with Emma's old baby and little girl clothes, etc. When I went out to the garage this week it was a sad reminder that Peanut is gone. But mostly, I have been able to keep my chin up and hope that things advance quickly and that I am given the go-ahead to try to become pregnant again.

And though optimistic, I hate that I know if I become pregnant again it won't be happy and blissful like my pregnancy with Emma. It will be a time of joy, but also of great worry. Miscarriage will always be at the back of my mind now. I pray that I don't second-guess myself and my decisions throughout my pregnancy if I become pregnant again. I know I need to wait to cross the bridge when I get there, but I am concerned about how I will feel...especially in those critical early weeks.

DH: DH got a promotion at work which will go into effect next month. He'll be in a supervisory role over a team of workers who does sales/support phone calls like he does now. He seems excited about it, and I'm happy for him.

Emma: My little sweetie continues to be a bundle of joy. Without knowing about Peanut, her smile, hugs, and "arts and craps" have helped me immensely in the past few weeks. Yesterday we went to a birthday party for one of her schoolmates. It was held at a local skating rink. It was the first time I have rollerskated...I think since high school. Emma and I were wobbling and holding hands. We had only made it halfway around the rink when they cleared the floor for a game of "Red Light-Green Light." Doh! We watched the game. Emma commented that we weren't able to skate as fast as the people playing the RLGL game. Then she took off her skates so she could play in the playyard area instead. We never skated again. Bummer. I was actually looking forward to it!

Emmaisms: I've been in a funk, so haven't been writing Emmaisms as I usually do. Here are a few that I did write down:

1/25/09: On urinating: "My pee just sounded like a shower! I went potty and there was a lot and it sounded like the shower was on!"

1/24/09: On adulthood: "Mommy, someday when you and Daddy move, can I live in this house until I have a baby and a husband?"

1/5/09: On Christmas Gifts for the Future: "Do you know what I want more than anything for Christmas next year? Perfume! Like a skunk!"

Found this oldie but goodie while tidying up our computer desk. 10/30/08 On happiness: While watching The Sound of Music, "Mommy, sometimes when people sing, my heart feels happy!"

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