Monday, January 19, 2009

4 Days

In the 7 Habits for Highly Effective Teenagers course I taught as an elective this past semester, we had a discussion day talking about time. How one day can make a difference to the family of someone who is terminally ill. How one minute can make the difference between someone who is or isn't in a car accident, etc.

This week I've been thinking about 4 days...I knew I was pregnant for 4 days before I started cramping and had the day of doctor's visits and ER time. Then it was another 4 days before I learned I was miscarrying the baby. 4 days of change.

I've re-thought many things...and have been fortunate, because I don't really have self blame. I was taking prenatal vitamins, exercising a fair amount, eating right, avoiding caffeine, etc.

I also don't really have anger. I'm not mad at myself for losing the baby...or angry at God for preventing the miscarriage. I'm just disappointed. Deeply disappointed. There is a quote in Vicki Iovine's Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy book that really hit home this week. In her section about miscarriage, she states, "...the idea of a baby, the dream of it and having it in your life forever, begins as soon as that baby makes its presence known." How true that is! I'm not just disappointed, I'm dealing with the loss of a dream. A dream for little Peanut. A dream with visions of Emma and Peanut playing together. A dream that I'd be a mother again. Sighs.

And part of me is actually grateful. Not that I lost the baby...but that if I had to have a miscarriage, I am grateful that it happened so early within my pregnancy. My last menstrual cycle began 11-29-08. I was 4-6 weeks pregnant. (Because they were never able to see the fetus via ultrasound, we never were given a gestational date.) I am grateful that I miscarried while the fetus was still so tiny...before I felt movement...before Emma knew about Peanut...before we did any major planning and preparations for a baby's arrival.

SPOILER ALERT: If you want to see and/or read "Marley and Me" and do not want to know the plot and ending, skip to the paragraph that begins with "One positive note..."

The day after my miscarriage began, I took the day off work. I went to see "Marley and Me," as I had heard it was a tearjerker, and figured I could use a good cry. The movie is about a couple John and Jen as they get married, get their first pet (a large dog, Marley,) and start a family. There is a scene during Jen's first pregnancy when they learn that the baby's heartbeat has stopped, and that Jen will be miscarrying the child. This made me cry! She goes on to have 3 healthy children. I cried again...especially at the sight of the 1st teeny tiny baby. Sighs. At the end of the movie, Marley has to be put to sleep in his old age. I was crying with the other 5 ladies in the theater (there were only 6 of us at the Wednesday matinee.) We were all sniffling and was really sad. And since Marley is a yellow/blonde version of my sweet mutt Viggo, it really hit home. I cried and cried to the point that my nose was red when I finally got into my car after the movie was over. Ahhh. I needed that. It really was the perfect movie to help me get through the week.


One positive note has been the outpouring of email and verbal responses from female friends, family, and co-workers who have also endured miscarriages. I feel that I am part of a club that no one wants to join, but that unites women regardless of age or race. In the 4 days after the miscarriage, I heard from friends/family: SKK, SKU, KJJ, KLW, MEB, EPL, AB, ARE, CMJ, CM, AF, and MM whom have all had miscarriages. Wow!

8 of these 12 women went on to have one or more children in a pregnancy after their miscarriage(s). 1 of these 12 women is pregnant with her 2nd child right now. 3 of these ladies are still hoping and praying to be blessed with their first child.

I'll be curious to find out in my OB appointment next week what category I fall into now. Am I in need of fertility aids, since I did not get pregnant for 3 years? Or, because I did get pregnant, am I not in need of help because we've shown that it is possible for us to conceive. I am anxious to learn what the next step is...where do we go from here?


max said...

Author James Patterson has a ten year-old son who doesn’t like to read. So Patterson has established to help other reluctant readers.

I, too, grew up as a reluctant reader. And my father was the author of over 70 books. Now I write action-adventure and mystery books especially for tween boys. My blog, Books for boys, is # 4 on Google today.

Max Elliot Anderson

MEB said...

Wow, what a great made me cry. You sound like you are in a much better place now. I hope things move along quickly at your OB appt and they tell you to start trying again soon. I pray you are in the category that goes on to have a successful pregnancy. MEB

Mrs. Gamgee said...

My Dear Bloggy-friend,

This post is beautiful in its honesty. Remembering the happiness of that brief time with your Peanut, and focussing on that rather than the sadness is such a positive outlook.

I, too, wish we had 'met' earlier on our respective journeys. But (without wanting to sound incredibly cheesy) I'm really glad that we bumped into each other.

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

So sad that you had to wait so long to conceive only to lose it so quickly. The loss of a dream, indeed.