Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'd Do Anything

Last night I went to see the musical Oliver! with my girlfriend, MEB. She and I have recently reconnected and I have SOOOO enjoyed having a girlfriend in Jacksonville. (MEB and Adrian's mom, Stacye, are my only 2 gal-pals that haven't moved out of state!) The play was nice, but we agreed the acting was a bit amateurish. However, I obtained the tickets from a teacher friend at school who was unable to attend, so I'm not complaining! All day I've had the "I'd do anything, for you dear anything...for you mean everything to me..." song stuck in my head. The song is applying to other areas of my life right now...

Tomorrow is one month since we learned I was having a miscarriage. And while most of me is moving on with my life with a smooth transition, there is a small part of me that has been having twinges of jealousy. I read that a "Peanut is here!" on someone else's blog. The woman has been through the loss of a baby at 8 weeks, and struggled to get pregnant. While part of me is truly happy for her---she finally has a beautiful baby boy--- part of me feels "OUCH" at reading the word "Peanut" and knowing that I don't have my own Peanut anymore. Another moment of jealousy occurred when I saw Anne Curry's "Dateline" interview with the mother of octuplets. How can one person who admits to using student loans as her primary means of finance be blessed with FOURTEEN children, and I can't even have two? Sighs. I just don't get it.

To top it off, Emma has been making TONS of comments about wanting a sibling recently. Students in her class were asked to bring in family photos for a Valentine Family Tree project. She has reminded me numerous times as we pass the Family Tree display in the hallway outside of her classroom, "I'm the only one in my class without a brother or sister." Each time I reply with something like, "Maybe someday we'll have another baby," or "Wouldn't it be neat to have a brother or sister?" or even "Do you think you'd like a brother or sister?" To which Em always enthusiastically replies, YES, though the gender she "prefers" tends to toggle back and forth.

Last weekend I took Emma to the mall. We had lunch and then she played in the play yard for a while. As we were walking through a department store on the way back to the parking lot, we passed through children's clothing. Emma stopped at FOUR different racks asking me if she could buy baby outfits "in case I have a sister someday." OUCH. She then asked if we could buy a playpen "for a baby brother." Ouch again.

I'm not depressed. Or whiny. Or feeling "Why me?" Or even over dwelling. At least I don't think I am. I just want another baby...before Emma is much older. And before I'm in my late 30's.

Yes..."I'd go anywhere. For your smile anywhere. For your smile anywhere, I'd see....yes I'd do anything for you."...for another little Peanut.


Becoming a Family of Four said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I like knowing I'm not alone too! J is the only "only" on her class too...although I know it bothers me more than her.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so sorry about your loss.

It is so hard to be going through secondary and not only have your own hopes and wishes, but also hear your older child's hopes and wishes.

tbonegrl said...

I am saying every prayer you guy get great news very soon!