The Latest

So here's a quick scoop of the latest after my OB appointment yesterday:

-Pregnancy test was negative. (Duh! Guess I should be grateful they're thorough.)

-Had to go to the lab for blood work this morning and will re-do blood work again on Thursday morning to check my beta levels.

-Ultrasound on Thursday morning----they suspect there is a cyst on my left ovary and want to do an ultrasound to confirm and determine the size. Interesting....in looking over my blog posts after my miscarriage in '09, I had forgotten that I also had an ovarian cyst (which ended up bursting on its' own) at that time.

-Follow up appointment with doc on 1/30 for "follow up" and discussing plans for the future.

-Had to meet with my principal yesterday...fortunately I have 1st period planning period this school year. She is allowing me to be "late" to school for all of my blood work and OB appointments---missing most of my planning class period---rather than having to take a 1/2 day or whole day off work. Whew! This is the same woman who required me to take a half day of personal leave in order to attend the Open House at Emma's school on a teacher PLANNING day (with no students present, thus no substitute required,) so I am pleased and appreciative of her support.

-I'll post as I learn more.

Long Time Gone...

Thank you Dixie Chicks for my opening mantra:
"A longtime gone/ No I ain't hit the roof since I don't know when/longtime gone/and it ain't comin' back again."

My blog avoidance started with work stress. For those of you who have been around for awhile (if you're still there??? I know I've been away for literally months.) Anyway, those who've been around will recall that I've been teaching at my current school for 4 years. I've been the reading department chair all 4 years that I've worked here. At the end of the first year and beginning of my 2nd, we had a member of our department who left our school without notice. This puts a HUGE burden on my shoulders as I must help the long-term substitute with grades, attendance, lesson planning, etc. It is a lot of extra work. (Unpaid, might I add.)

This year we started the school year off strong. My 5 person reading department was united and working well together. Then, the 2nd week of school, our newest member ended up being hospitalized. It was literally 2 months of burden for me...she neglected to return ANY phone calls or emails. Not only did we have NO idea where she was hospitalized or what was even wrong with her health, we had NO idea if she planned to return to teaching at our school. Eventually, my principal was able to file a grievance (because the teacher also neglected to return any correspondence with our principal....don't get me started about the total lack of professionalism.) At this point, they were able to hire a long-term substitute teacher who was
able to teach for the last 3 weeks of 1st quarter, and beginning part of 2nd quarter. Though the substitute was eager and helpful, it still created a lot of extra work for me. We were finally able to officially terminate the teacher who'd only taught 2 weeks at our school prior to taking medical leave and never returning anyone's calls. The week before winter break a permanent teaching replacement was hired (bless her heart!) She is sticking with things thus far...though you can imagine how rowdy her classes are after literally a quarter and a half of substitute teachers. Our new teacher is brand new to both teaching in our county AND to using the reading program implemented in my school. So, while I'm thankful she's here it has again been a lot of work helping to train her on the reading software, lesson plan formats, etc. Not to mention, she also was unfamiliar with our county's email and attendance system.

SIF:
This takes me to the latest...The latter part of 2011 brought me peace with being a mom to an "only." Not that she wasn't previously, but Emma has been such a delight to spend time with. She is eager to learn, SO smart, enjoys playing fun pranks, and has really mellowed out. She has grown to the stage where she has MUCH independence and ability to do things on her own. I truly love spending time with my girl. Around the time of Emma's birthday last September I had started a new mantra for myself---STOP moping around about not having Child #2 and focus on being the best mommy I can be for Emma.

I was finally okay with the idea of not expanding our family. I was truly comfortable emotionally for the first time in years. (Meaning, no longer wallowing over only having 1 child. No longer hoping/planning/longing for Child #2.) Though we only had a few items left in storage after my major purging of Emma's leftover baby items in 2010, I finally got rid of the rest---the high chair, the baby swing, the Suzy's Zoo crib bedding and room decor, and the rest of the baby and toddler toys. I was content with my life and at a good place.

Then the second week of January 2012, I had another miscarriage. (#3.) It was extremely early. SO early that I didn't even know I was pregnant until I started bleeding 9 days before my period should have been. This lead to a FB post I created on January 10th: "Could use thoughts, prayers and well-wishes...going through some stuff. Thanks!"

Tomorrow is my OBGYN follow-up appointment to verify that all is "okay." I've had a few of you who are also my friends in real life and/or on FBook ask me if the OB plans to do a recurrent loss panel. I'm hoping to have some answers tomorrow.

My awful cramping and bleeding (sorry for TMI) stopped around a week ago. DH and I both took one day off work. I was able to lay and cuddle and mope with him in bed all day...it helped immensely.

My difficulty now is that my emotions are in a state of chaos. I feel like every time I come to some type of acceptance of being a mom to "just" one, something happens to swirl my emotions around again. Why does my body have to wreak havoc on my emotions? I was finally---after years---at a place of acceptance. Now I am playing the "What If?" game again. What if I am meant to have another child? Is my miscarriage the Universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't have given up on my dream of expanding our family? OR what if this is some sick way of confirming my thoughts---#2 is not meant to be. Sighs. I'm working toward finding the self-acceptance I reveled in the last few months of 2011.

That's the "big stuff." I will try to be more proactive about blogging. I had forgotten what a great emotional outlet this is. Just typing this post has helped me feel some relief.

I'd appreciate love and well wishes for my morning appointment tomorrow. <3

Celebrity SIF

I promise I'll be back this weekend with life updates and a MUCH belated Sock-it-to-me posting.

But I wanted to share a link I came across about actress Emma Thompson discussing her issues with depression, some of which were related to her dealing with Secondary Infertility.

Click HERE to read the article.

It's rare for most celebrities to mention or discuss fertility issues...especially with regards to secondary infertility. I was glad to see the issue brought to the limelight, though of course saddened that Ms. Thompson had to endure SIF issues at all.

Friday Night "Leftovers" (Back-to-School Edition)

Whew! The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of back-to-school busy-ness.

The amazing, wonderful Danifred over at Sippycups are Not for Starbucks often hosts "Friday Night Leftovers" in which bloggers can post random list-like updates that don't necessarily pertain to only one topic.... I thought I'd bounce out of my blogging lull by joining in the fun.

So now the "Leftovers..." The things I've been experiencing and mulling over the past few weeks.

Family:
-Emma:
--Em started first grade! And she turns 7 in 2 weeks....Such a beautiful young lady inside and out. I am grateful for her each day and can't believe how quickly she is growing up. Sighs.
--She seems to be adjusting to first grade pretty well. She was disappointed the first few days of school because only 2 of the 18 students from her kindergarten class are in her 1st grade class this year. (One is the class bully who always had a desk by himself while the other kindergartners sat in tables of 4....the kid who punched Emma in the arm when I was sitting right beside her on the bus ride for the zoo field trip last year....GRRRRR! The other is a sweet, super quiet girl whose primary language is Spanish...she and Emma get along, but Em tends to play with more "extroverted" kids.) Her other former classmates were dispersed to other 1st grade classes.
--Today marks the end of week #2 of school and Emma has made friends and shared stories of playing and interacting with her new classmates.
--She is excited to have her own desk and own books/notebooks/supplies (versus "community" markers, etc.) this year. While the desks are pushed together to form "tables," she still has a bit of independence, which is right up her alley.
--Her school opted to instate a uniform policy this year. (Yes, it's a public school.) Navy, white, or red polo shirt or plain t-shirt with khaki or navy pants/shorts/skirt/jumper. Emma has made me smile with her individuality as she wears socks and hair accessories that don't necessarily "coordinate" with her school attire. But I must say thus far getting ready in the morning has been SOOOOO much easier! No more battles and trying to re-negotiate on outfits chosen the night before.

Pics of Emma's first day:


Not sure what the kid in the background is so "surprised" about.



Notice the skull socks? A gift from my older sister, Michelle. If I remember correctly, Emma was wearing a pink hair bow in the back of her hair. I love my girl!

DH:
--Our 13th wedding anniversary is this weekend. (Which means we've been "together" for 16 years total---wow! Nearly half of my lifetime!) I am so fortunate to have him as a life partner. He helps me through highs and lows, cooks better and more frequently than I do, is a superb daddy for our Emma, and helps me to be a better person. Love ya, Aaron!
--Continues to keep on keepin' on with his writing. While still marketing his novel trying to obtain a literary agent, he has started writing yet another novel...amazing. I continue to be awed by his perseverance.

Parents:
--My parents are coming to visit for Emma's birthday and are going to visit Disney World with us for two days! I am SOOOOO excited about this! They haven't been to Disney since I was a baby in the baby-pack on my Dad's back. I'm stoked to watch them interact with Emma while we show them around the parks. Emma has been watching and re-watching the Disney vacation planning DVD (free from the park website!) and talking non-stop about the rides and activities she wants to do with Grandma and Grandpa. Of course I always look forward to visiting with my parents, but this particular visit will likely have a special kind of magic. :)

Me:
-Work:
--We have a new 6th grade administrator this year. He has helped to initiate amazing changes at my school. Though only the end of the 2nd week, we've had the smoothest opening-of-school since I started working at this school. There is a sense of calm and structure instead of the frenzied chaos of the last 2 years. Crossing my fingers that it lasts all school year...
--This Monday when I arrived at work there was a vase of carnations on my desk. The attached card was from my principal. The card thanked me for being the reading department head and stated that "children grow to love learning thanks to (me.)" I was amazed...SO nice to be acknowledged! I confirmed at lunchtime that flowers were placed on the desks of all subject area department heads. What a wonderful beginning of the year gesture to thank us for the time and effort we put in for NO extra pay!

-SIF:
--I had planned to post and question whether anyone else had felt "OUCH" this week when seeing multiple F.acebook posts "supporting breast cancer awareness" by playing a posting game....The following is cut/pasted from multiple messages in my FB inbox:
Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round all over the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status.

Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!!
January-1 week
Febuary-2 weeks July-10 weeks
March-3 weeks August-12 weeks
April-4 weeks September-13 weeks
May-6 weeks October-14 weeks
June-8 weeks November-16 weeks
December-18 weeks

(I'm not posting the super long 31 item list of candies and treats to "crave.")

If I had "played" along, I'd post: "I'm 4 weeks and craving Crunchies." First of all, I don't even know what the hell Crunchies are. Secondly, I was silently hurting a bit by reading about the multiple fake pregnancies of several FB friends. I fail to understand how posting and pretending to be PG is "supporting" breast cancer awareness. My 1st thought was that many cancer survivors are infertile due to the chemo and medications they endure to fight cancer. My 2nd thought was-- why are we are "NOT telling any males" about the "game?" How the heck can something promote awareness if you "hide" the purpose behind it? UGH. I had an internal rant (longer than this) ready to post. Then, I came across a blog, linked on FB by an old high school friend. I LOVE it. I completely agree with many of the author's points...

CGWardPhotography--Regarding the FB Breast Cancer Awareness Games

As much as we all hate to be part of the IF-world, it was nice to read that I am not the only person who found the "game" insensitive. What are your thoughts on the issue?

-Fun:
--Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll catch up....I have a cool "wax hand" post I need to write. I also need to update my books read list and postings.
--Off to start the 3 day weekend! :)


Edit: Upon blog-surfing this morning, I came across an entry today by the wonderful Mel over at Stirrup Queens. Another excellent post about how the cancer awareness games are hurtful to those experiencing infertility issues.

Back to School

Tomorrow is the first day of teacher planning week. BOO!!!!!!! Hiss!!!! Drat! Summer has been wonderful this year...LOTS of visiting with family, extended family and friends. Lots of pool visits and swimming with Emma. I hate to see it end!

An Emma-ism from the pool today: While trying to float on her back, "Look! I'm making pool angels!" Yup...definitely the same motion to create snow or sand angles...just in a swimming pool instead. :)

Something to look forward to...the amazing Kym over at The Smartness is hosting Sock-It-To-Me week again! If you are a sock lover (or office supply lover) go sign up! :)

Maybe now that "summer" is over, I'll be back in a blogging groove???