Black Cloud

Work: It feels like there has been a black cloud over the 4 other members of my reading department and I for the past 2 and 1/2 months...

-D.F.'s jeep was totaled when a teenager ran a red light and smashed into her on the way to school the week before winter break. She suffered a concussion, but thankfully no other major injuries at the scene of the accident. She is still suffering dizzy spells sometimes, but is fortunately "okay" physically other than dealing with headaches and dizziness.

-C.J. tripped and fell on a parking lot curb while shopping the 2nd week of January. She fractured her elbow and has missed lots of work with doctor's appointments and physical therapy appointments, etc. And of course Murphy's Law of injuries--the elbow she shattered was on her dominant arm and effects the hand that she writes with. In addition, her mother has had some circulatory issues and has had to have 2 days of testing at the local Mayo Clinic to try to determine the cause.

-A.S. is our newbie and coming in mid-year after a slew of substitutes she continues to be like someone who is treading water with no shore in sight. On top of still trying to learn the ins and outs of both our county software and our reading program software, she feels like her students are running amok behaviorally.

I am her assigned mentor and am struggling a bit. I feel badly for her, as I know first-hand what it is like to try to take over a classroom mid-year. (When I started teaching back in '03, I began in November after the students had had several different substitutes for the 6 weeks before I was hired.) However, A.S. is not being assertive enough. She tells me things in our mentor/mentee meetings like, "I tell students to rotate to the computer station and they don't go." UHHH...hello! Whose classroom is it? She needs to take charge! It's really difficult because we've discussed parent phone calls, class participation points, the system I use to monitor students' rotations in my classroom, etc., but I can only make suggestions and offer support and ideas, I can't force her to use them. I'm just surprised by her lack of classroom management, because she has 2 teenage sons, and though she took a break for 12 years, she did teach previously.

-L.P., whose husband died 10 years ago and whose only child died in a freak accident at age 27 two years ago had been dealing with the declining health of her mother. She had recently helped her mother begrudgingly move into a full-time hospice center. Sadly, her mother died this past Thursday. I am so grateful that L.P. was able to be off of work and was with her mother at the time she passed away. (L.P. had missed a lot of work in December due to her mother being hospitalized, and she didn't want to miss anymore days.) Her mom had actually been doing better health-wise the past 2 weeks, so her death was a bit unexpected. My heart goes out to L.P., as she is an only child herself, and now she is truly alone with regards to having any family. She is taking next week off and among making arrangements for her mother's funeral services, she is faced with the task of having her mother's body transported from Florida to Georgia so that her mom can be buried in the burial plot with her father in their GA hometown. So sad!

-Add my January miscarriage to the mix, and you can see that the five of us combined have had tons of stressful incidents to cope with. I am hoping that the dark cloud has rained itself out now!

SIF:
My follow-up with the OB went like this:
--Bloodwork results were again normal.
--There is a cyst. I was mistaken it is on my right ovary, not left. It is 2.3 cm in diameter. I go back in 6 weeks for a sonogram to confirm whether or not the cyst is growing or shrinking. If it is shrinking (which my cyst back in '09 did and eventually disappeared on its' own) then I'm home free. If it is growing, we'll discuss whether or not surgery for removal is needed.
--I was given a referral for a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist for DH and I. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. As I stated 2 posts ago, I had finally come to terms with being a mom to a singleton...I am not sure what measures I am now willing to take with regards to becoming pregnant again. However, after thinking on it and discussing things with DH I am now glad to have a consult (finally, after all these years!) and hopefully find some answers. In April, I turn 37 and hubby turns 38, so I think it is best for us to at least discuss diagnoses and options ASAP, and then decide whether or not we plan to actively try again for Child #2 or not. Also, I want to ask for feedback regarding my cyst and whether or not the RE thinks it impacted my having a miscarriage, as my OB was vague and basically said she couldn't determine whether or not the two events were linked.

Weight Loss:
-Prior to the miscarriage, I was determined to lose weight this year. However, I got off to a lousy start and wasn't watching my food intake or exercising at all.

-Then my OB recommended that I work toward weight loss. She said whether or not I plan to get PG again in the future, weight loss would be best for my overall health. Of course I know she's right, but it's difficult to hear from someone else. (Especially someone as tiny and petite as my beautiful OBGYN is!)

-Anyway, DH has been off to an awesome weight loss start. For about 4 weeks now he's been back to running and exercising regularly along with watching his food intake. Though it has only been a week, I am finally on the band wagon. We made sure to buy lots of healthy food options at the grocery last week. Yesterday and today I've finally been exercising again. We used some of our tax return money to buy a Kinect for our XBOX this afternoon. Wowie, zowie....awesome workout! Em and I have played on it for several hours...I can't even tell you how sore my thigh and upper arm muscles are. Also, my sister got me an awesome Wii Dance game for Christmas that kicks my butt in a good way. :)

-I know from my past miscarriages and life in general that my emotions feel better when my body is more active. So I am determined to get more exercise. The difficulty is that on work days, this sometimes means I'll have to make my butt get up early and workout BEFORE work...because I am prone to skip workouts if I wait until I'm tired AFTER work. (Not to mention that DH doesn't get home from work until 7:30ish, so it makes for working out close to bedtime, unless I workout WITH Emma.)

To wrap up...as the black cloud over my department at work (hopefully) dissipates, I continue to work on getting my emotions back in check. I'm not as mopey as I was the week after the miscarriage and am starting to "move on." (Though I know, one never really "moves on" 100%.) A few weeks ago, I found a small card I've had since high school. I placed it on the iPod stand/speakers in our kitchen so I see it everyday: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) It helps to remind me that the black cloud won't always be here. Here's hoping for a silver lining, whatever that may be.

New Year

Dear Venus, Aphrodite, Astarte, Inanna and any other goddesses of fertility who want to help me out,

I spent New Year's day completing the move. Emma is completely moved out of her old bedroom. Surely you remember the one? The one with a baby Suzy's Zoo wallpaper border, infant decor, and glider rocking chair? Remember the matching crib set---the cute little "Witzy" duck which drew me to the adorable decorating theme? (Don't worry---it's still stored out in the garage with the dismantled crib!)



The room is mostly empty now. (I'm not counting our filled bookshelves, nor DH's RockBand drum set...) If you would be so kind as to help us create an occupant for the room I would be much obliged!

As 2010 begins, I am ready for change. Today I changed my blog i.d. from "A Mom in Jacksonville, FL" to "Alana." As this blog has turned into my outlet and a medium to express my emotions, I figure my i.d might as well match my title, right?? (And though I love Em to pieces, she isn't the only focus of my writing.)

My goals for 2010:

1. Read 75 books. (I only read 70 last year...missed my '09 goal by 5. Drat! Though as the majority of books I read were 350+ pages, I'm not going to be too down on myself...)

2. Yell less. (It kills me when I keep my cool all day long with 8th grade punks, only to come home and yell at Emma for something trivial. My goal is to control my temper and to remember WHO really matters!)

3. Exercise. At this time, I'm not going to set a specific "pounds lost" or "minutes per day" goal. I will commit to 45 minutes a minimum of 3 times per week. (I'm hoping it will be more than that, but am trying to be realistic.) (And again---Em's new bike has helped! When she asks to go outside, I walk/jog with her as she bike rides.)

4. Baby. Did I mention I'd like to have another child? (Before Emma graduates from high school and before I retire if at all possible...)


Yes, I'm ready for change. Please bring it!

Sincerely,

Alana

Disgruntled

ARRRRGH! That is how I'm feeling today....

--School: I don't get alone time in my classroom. During my planning period one of the teachers who has too many students in her Read180 class, sends students to my room to use the computers. It's only 1 or 2 students, but still frustrating to not have time to decompress, turn up my music, etc. like I would if I were alone in the room.

--After school there is a teacher and group of students in my room for the after school tutoring program. They are nice kids, respectful towards me and the room. I know it could be much worse...it's just that I don't have MY OWN SPACE anymore. (This should be resolved in a few weeks once the A.C. in the other teacher's room is fixed.)

--Weather: 93 Degrees. Record setting temperatures this week. What the heck??? It is autumn now, NOT summer. Mother nature, if you could please cooperate and cool down a bit, I'd really appreciate it.

--Exercise: I am feeling blecky and I know part of that is due to my complete and total lack of exercise since the school year started kicking my butt. Sighs....gotta force myself to fit some kind of work out back into my life. (Pathetic moment of the week: I ate a D.airy Queen D.illybar IN BED while watching "The Biggest Loser" last night. Good grief!)

--Family Dynamics: I don't know if DH is overwhelmed with his novel, or what. His Dad called a few times last week to check on Em. DH didn't bother to call back. This drives me nutty... I think it is disrespectful.

--Babies: I'm tired of wanting another child and not getting PG. I'm tired of friends hurting from longing for a child. I'm tired of second guessing myself and wondering if I'm not PG because God or Fate or Karma or Whatever think I would suck at having 2 kids. I'm tired of thinking, "I wish she had a sibling" during times when Emma is whiny and/or struggling when she doesn't get things her way. Why can't I just be content with what I have?

--Oh the irony...as I read the disgruntled tone of this message, I think much of it is due to P.M.S. Drat!

(Thanks, Dear Readers....a more cheerful tone next time, I promise.)

Vacation Ramblings

Wow....I am sooooooo longing to create a super-lengthy post, but sadly I don't have time. I'll have to do some quick news blurbs:

Blogoversary: Today marks the one year mark since I began blogging. What began as a journal and "outlet" turned into the formation of online friendships and a wonderful support group. How I *HEART* YOU, dear readers! XOXOX!

Vacation: We're still at my parent's house. DH leaves tomorrow to fly back to Florida, where he returns to work on Monday. (Poor DH!) Em and I will be here for a while yet... This coming Friday, I leave for a 4-day reunion/girl's weekend in NYC with my college girlfriends. (Em will stay with my parents during my get away.)

Cool Stuff:
--My older sister and Em finally met for the first time. They hit it off quite well. :)
--I was able to have a fun sisters-day-out in which my older sis Michelle, younger sis Laurel, and I went out for lunch and then had massages. Ahhhh!
--Em completed beginner swimming lessons (or as DH said, "more like water acclimation classes")
--DH won a T-shirt by eating a ginormous sandwich called "The Dagwood" at the Ohio Deli in 19 minutes. (He wanted to try this feat he had seen on the Food Network "Man Versus Food" show.)
--I brought the Wii on vacation and continued my A.ctive 30-day challenge. But I'm at a current weight loss stand-still due to eating my Mom's home cooking, and going to the restaurants we "miss" when we're in Florida. (M.ontgomery Inn ribs or S.kyline Cincinnati style chili, anyone? Yummy!)
--I don't feel (current) guilt about eating at restaurants because I spent 3 hours weeding my Mom's flower garden...and I'm still sore 2 days later!
--Laurel, DH and I went to see the "Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince" movie. While I enjoyed the film, it was definitely a "connector" movie between 5 and 7. And I was disappointed by some things that were left out (a rather abrupt ending, unlike the book, for example; and only one measly line explaining the identity of the "half-blood prince") and by some things that were added (example--I'm half way through re-reading the book now and there were NO house fires in the book thus far!)
--My Mom checked out 2 "Pippi Longstocking" movies from the library. Emma LOVES them. And of course, the rest of us detest them, because they've been watched over and over and over again. Not to mention, they were filmed in Germany (I think) and the English voices are very poorly dubbed over the actor's actual voices. Cue music: "I am Pippi Longstocking, if you say it fast it's funny..."

School Stuff: I have done ZERO school work since I've been here. I had planned to do a lot of lesson planning and preparation of ideas. Thus far I've done zilch. Nada. And I really am not regretting this decision...(yet.)

Emmaisms:
--7/25/09 To her Grandpa regarding the bald patch on his head: "You're starting to look like Daddy Warbucks." (I thought this was hilarious, as my Dad still has quite a bit of hair, and is NOT bald like the dad in the "Annie" movie.)

--7/17/09 Regarding Jack and Annie from "The Magic Tree House:"
Em: "They can go through the secret massage."
Me: "Do you mean secret passage?"
Em: "Umm. No, I think it's just a path way."

--7/7/09 On Biblical Figures:
Em: "Who was that guy that went overboard?"
Me: "What?"
Em: "You know! Was it Noah? The guy that went overboard and got eaten by the whale."
Me: "That was Jonah. Jonah was swallowed by the whale. But Jonah was not on the boat with Noah."
Em: "Yes he was! He went overboard and that's how the whale got him!"
(Sadly, her logic totally makes sense....she still thinks Noah and Jonah were boating buddies. I'm going to have to work on this one.)

I miss you, Blog Buddies! I'll be back in 2 weeks! :)

Random Ruminations

Nothing much going on...we've been house cleaning and "hanging out." (My sister arrives from Ohio this Thursday, so we're prepping for her visit. And when she leaves next week, Em and I are going with her---so I have to have our laundry and packing ready.)

Barbies: Today Em was super excited to set up a "Barbie Wedding."

The Bride and Groom (sorry picture isn't vertical.)

Glued to the TV---watching the DVD from my wedding with DH back in '98

(Cracked me up when she tried to replicate some of our wedding stuff into her Barbie wedding. Too sweet!)



Em's favorite part was dressing all of her Barbies and placing them in seats to
"watch" the wedding. The Barbie wedding and preparations lasted about 2 1/2 hours. (Just like her mama...I spent maaaaaany hours playing with Barbies when I was young.)

As an aside---I found two B.arbies on clearance at W.algreen's last week for only $1.00 each. Wow! And I thought my prior B.ig L.ots $5 deal was good. :)

Anybody out there play with B.arbies in the '80's? Do you recognize the furniture her B.arbies are sitting on? It's the furniture from my old 3-story B.arbie D.reamhouse which I passed down to Em at Christmas time last year.


Zoo: Yesterday we went to the Zoo...

On the carousel


Brushing the goats....Goat #1 (Can't get my pics to "rotate" horizontal today, sorry.)


With Goat #2

Thanks to the J.acksonville J.aguars NF.L team and its owners, the Jax Zoo has the largest collection of Jaguars at any U.S. zoo. A baby jag, Harry, was born at the Zoo this past January. Em and I were excited to see him up and active yesterday, as at prior zoo visits he was sleeping, or laying quietly beside his mother...

Just scratching...



Mama Jaguar on left, baby Harry on right



Isn't he gorgeous?

Swimming: I'm still amazed that the City Pools here are FREE! There are 20 or so pools throughout the city that have free admission. Em and I went again this afternoon. We found a nice local pool that isn't crowded. This is the second time we've gone from about 3-5 p.m. Had a great not toooo hot swim. It was super. Em is getting the knack of going under water by herself, and kicking/doggie paddling independently (with floaties.) She'll take her first ever swim lessons at the pool in my hometown when we're in Ohio in 2 weeks. (The same pool my younger sister and I learned to swim in. Ahhh, the circle of life.)

School: I've loved procrastinating and putting off doing any school work. I WILL work on somethings (lesson planning, vocabulary ideas, etc.) during the time we're at my parents' house. I've enjoyed my three weeks with NO school work though. :)

House: DH painted much of the outside house trim this past weekend, and the railings on our front porch. The house looks MUCH better! :)

Exercise: I'm pleased with myself right now. I've stuck with the W.ii A.ctive 30-day challenge program. I still find the exercise program motivating and I like the variety of exercise movements. I believe today I'm on day 12 of the program. Yea!

I think that is all the latest. :)

Random Ruminations

Summer: Em and I have been enjoying summer outings. Today we went to the amazing downtown library. We participated in Story Time (which always ends with a story and song sung by an animatronic owl---WAY cool!) and Family Art Time. The "Main Library" downtown is literally the largest public library in Florida. It is amazing! I'll have to take pics for Show&Tell one of these days. :)

Today our friends from Em's gymnastics class went with us. It was our first non-gymnastics related play date with them. It went really well---Em and M hit it off well. His Mom, G and I got along great. I even legitimately ogled his 7-month old brother WITHOUT jealousy pangs, yea me! (And of course somehow the conversation somehow led to IF at one point, wherein I learned G had 2 miscarriages and struggled to get PG prior to the birth of her baby. Sighs.) Hooray for new friends!!

"Cool" Play yards: One thing that drives me insanely crazy is the LACK of inside and/or shaded play areas here in Florida. When it is in the 90's as it has been the past week and a half, it is difficult to find outings where Em can run/play/exercise in a cool environment. ALL of the B.urger K.ings nearby have taken down their play equipment...I'm guessing someone somewhere sued them. This is a bummer b/c there was a B.K. with a ginormous and amazing Kid's area...that now has tables and "Free WiFi" instead of the play yard equipment. We sometimes end up at C.hic F.ilet, which is fine, but their play yard isn't very large.
There are many local Mc.Donald's, however the majority of those with play areas have OUTDOOR play yards. I'm fine with this, as I enjoy spending time outside...except, they don't have shade. Who designs this stuff? Play yards in FL with NO shade?
Kind of like our favorite local park...great swings and jungle-gym type equipment...but we can only go in the evenings this time of year, or we'll scorch! Once again---no shade. Luckily, both malls that are nearby have indoor play areas.
This morning I searched online to see if there were any Mc.Donald's with indoor play yards. I found one---10 miles from the downtown library. Ahhh, what the heck...we didn't have anything planned after our library play date. Em and I lunched and then she played for TWO HOURS while I finished my 800+ page book "The Sweet, Far Thing"....all in the air conditioning. Super sweet...definitely worth the extra drive.

Mail: The first 2 sentences of a letter I received from my insurance company last month:
"Our records indicate that you may have already delivered, or are expecting in the very near future! We would like to remind you to schedule an after-delivery (also called postpartum) exam." If I go to the footnote at the bottom of the page it states, "If this is not the case, please call Member Services at the toll-free number on your ID card so that we can correct our records." ACK! Blasted insurance company. My summer was going great...I didn't need a January miscarriage 'reminder.' Not to mention, even if I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be due until mid-September, not the "very near future" in my book. Ugh!

Yesterday's mail included a letter to all teachers employed in my school district. It includes some "minor benefit changes" that went into effect on 10/1/08: Items no longer covered by our insurance include "routine eye exams, infertility treatment, and massage therapy." ARG. Though DH and I still don't know our next steps on the IF journey, it saddens me to know that my employer/insurance benefits no longer cover IF treatment for those who choose to pursue IF treatment options. (Not to mention my yearly eye exam, dang it!) Blasted insurance companies.

Exercise: On Thursday DH and I bought "Active," a new W.ii exercise game. (Click HERE for the info link.) We both enrolled in the "30 Day Challenge." WHEW! It is a killer! Even at the low-level, our quad muscles are killing us today! (This secretly makes me happy, as DH has been a runner for 5 years....knowing that he is in pain along with me and my newly-exercising-fat-butt makes me feel like the exercise is really working. Am I sick, or what?) We both LOVE it thus far. Especially as compared to the W.ii Fit. I enjoy W.ii Fit, but frankly it can take up to 2 hours for me to feel I've had a true workout. With the Active, my muscles are totally burning today, after only 22 minutes Thursday and 30 minutes yesterday. Sweet!

Smiles:
--Today marks the last day of my first full-week of summer vacation. Ahhh. I'm loving it! :)
--An Emmaism: On a picture of a volcano: "Why does that volcano keep interrupting?" LOL.
--My summer reading is underway. I've stayed up late reading the past few nights. LOVE it!
--ICLW starts tomorrow. :)

Exercise?

Whew! I just got back from run/walking 1.5 miles. I woke up early so I could get exercise time in before DH left for work. Otherwise, I'd be stuck running this afternoon with Em and/or the dog. And though I love them both, anyone out there who has ever tried to exercise accompanied by a young child who isn't in a stroller, knows what a hassle it is...

I've tried walking with Emma. The difficulty is, she stops every 2 steps 10 feet to look at the flowers, or the pretty leaves, or to notice the fire ants storming out of their ant mound. While I love that my child likes to "stop and smell the roses," her turtle-like speed doesn't allow the "workout" pace I was hoping for.

Sometimes I try to take walks escorted by Em on her tricycle. If we do this, we use her "trike" that has a pushing handle, so I can help move her along once her little legs poop out. This also leads to difficulties. Steering the tricycle is a pain in the neck, as it is a tug-of-war between Em and I. Though I really like the model of tricycle, the blasted handlebars for the child are connected to the push-handle for the grown-up. Thus, if she jerks the handlebars one way, I'm forced to realign so that she doesn't crash into neighbor's mailboxes, etc. And while this might sound like a good upper body workout, it is more frustrating than it is worth.

I should win the Mother of the Year Award receive special honors for the times I've walked with Em on her tricycle AND taken our dog with us at the same time. Picture me trying to balance the leash without having my arm pulled out of socket (remember, our dog is a large 100-pound mutt.) Along with maintaining the leash, I have to help steer/guide Emma's tricycle so that she doesn't dismount her tricycle to sight see the neighbor's flowers, thereby slowing down my already snail-like workout wreck and scar herself for life.

Also fun, is trying to take Em on a wagon ride, escorted by our dog. There I am trying to shed some pounds speed-walk. Meanwhile, with one arm, I'm towing the wagon precariously behind me, (it has nearly severed my ankles as we neared the bottom of hills in our neighborhood on several occasions) while our dog is tugging my other arm forward to lead the way. I'm like a walking wind-mill with one arm forward and the other arm back the entire walk. Though I do have to say that I am certain that this IS a good upper arm workout, as the times I've tried it, I've felt the results in my biceps for days afterward.

I wouldn't trade my Em or our dog for anything...but I learned long ago if I "walk" with them, it won't be for exercise, it will be for the adventure. And as our summer is already going to consist of many mommy-and-Emma adventures, I figure I'm entitled to a solo workout walk/run now and then.

Thus, this summer I plan to rise early in order to exercise before Em wakes up. This way I can exercise at my own pace, have some ME time, beat the mid-day summer heat, and return home before DH has to leave for work.

According to my N.ike mini i.Pod monitor thingamajig, as of this morning, I've run/walked 4 workouts, totaling 6.77 miles run/walked, with an average pace of 24 minutes per mile.

While totally stoked about this, as the first "goal" I set for myself was to go 12 miles in 4 weeks, I'm also a little bummed. I have 3 workouts that for some reason did not register at all. Thus, my "tracked" mileage should actually be higher than it is indicating. Bummer!

Em just woke up and told me I'm "too stinky" to give a good morning hug to. Guess it's time to hit the shower. If only I had the strength to get out of the computer chair...

Perfect Moment Monday

Memorial Day: Let me begin with a giant SHOUT OUT for all of the U.S. armed forces past and present. I truly appreciate your devotion to our country and the sacrifices that you (and your families) make! "Let freedom ring!"

The Weebles Wobblog blog encourages people to take note of "perfect moments" that occur within their lives. I've been fortunate to have a few during this Memorial Weekend...

--DH was SO excited about the Stowaway seats in our new van. When carting items around yesterday, he was pleased with the easy 1-2-3 steps to store the rear seats into the floor of the van. It made me happy that he was so tickled.

--My sweet daughter was thrilled yesterday when she found a snail outside on our deck. She brought him into the house, named him, Sam...and spent literally a few hours hanging out with her snail. She was really disappointed when we asked her to release him outside.


Blurry shot of Sam


Em with Sam and his "antlers." (Aka antennae)


Close up of Sam on Em's hand


Last night we drove to Fernandina Beach---about a half hour north of Jacksonville. (Em loved the 10-minute ferry boat ride.) We had a nice time walking along the beach, enjoying the first rain-free weather we've had in nearly 10 days.

While at the beach, I had 2 "perfect moments." One-- of all the sharks' teeth I've found during the 10 years I've lived in Florida, last night I found my largest one yet.


Two-- watching Em run in and out of the ocean, smiling and giggling was SO precious. Love seeing her enjoy herself so much.

My final "perfect moment," is my new motivation for weight loss. (I pray that I stick with it, as in the past I have not been good about sticking to my weight loss goals.) I began run/walking last week. (Definitely more walking than running.) Yesterday, I purchased a NikeiPod device that monitors distance and speed while run/walking. Last night I went 2.1 miles....LOVED the motivation of having the device plugged into my iPod telling me how far I had gone. Plus, it has a cute little cartoon icon of me and my running stats that I was able to place on my blog---again VERY motivational for me. ("Print" makes me me more accountable than "verbal" words!) Anyway, my "perfect moment," is that I ran farther than I've gone in several years...this made me happy with myself.

Hooray for perfect moments! :)
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On an unrelated note: I have my blog layout set up as a 3-column layout, but it is only showing 2-columns. Do any readers have words of wisdom as to how I can alter this?? Thanks!

Just For Today

Just for today, I am loving my body. I've been feeling fat and disappointed in myself lately. DH started a 90 day "P90X" exercise program. It's a 13 DVD set with workouts for an HOUR a day. He's been at it for a week now and is doing great. Though I get totally annoyed when he devotes so much time to exercise (especially when the house is a disaster zone, the pets need fed, our daughter is watching TV instead of interacting with a parent, etc.) there is part of me that truly admires his perseverance.

I've been toying with the idea of running for a while now. In middle school I was part of the "Fun Run" team. We went running through neighborhoods nearby the school, and had fun workouts with Ms. Hoffman the cool P.E. coach. In high school, I'd run once in a while. The house I grew up in was less than a mile from corn fields in the country. I used to love walking/jogging on Waldo Road...past the fresh flowers, horses in the fields, corn taller than me, etc. In college my friend (and later roommate) Amy and I would meet each other and go running on the awesome biking/walking trail at Ohio U. Then winter came...we both busted our butts on the ice a few times and our exercise regime dwindled "until spring." We just never got back into it.

So I gained the "freshman 10." And the sophomore "20"...and I stopped keeping track of my actual weight. DH and I met my sophomore year, and began dating my junior year at OU. Neither of us was into exercise. But I wasn't "obese," and unhappy with myself.

We got married in '98 three months after my graduation from OU. (DH graduated in '97.) Over the past 10+ years, my weight has been increasing. Though disgruntled with myself, I was never "fed up" enough to stick to any diets or work out plans. (I'm a typical yo-yo-er with regards to weight loss.) I joined Curves (a women only gym) a few years ago. I did great...lost some pounds, built some muscle....and then never went back when my work schedule changed so that I was unable to get to the gym after work anymore.

Em came along in '04. I gained a little weight with her, but not too much. I tried to be supportive when DH started running. He began running and working out when I was pregnant. On the one hand I was proud of him for taking care of himself (as his pounds had increased, just as mine had.) On the other hand, I wanted to strangle him whine and scream that while I was pregnant with our child he was LOSING weight. ARGH!

We've been trying to have another child for 2+ years now. This summer we have an appointment with my OB to determine our "next steps." If I am honest with myself, I wonder how much (if any) of our secondary infertility has to do with my weight. DH has continued to run and workout regularly since he started before Em. I try not to be too hard on myself...and to tell myself that the reality is that my weight may have nothing to do with our TTC. However, the negative "I'm too fat" mindset sets in sometimes.

Earlier this week, (the day after the "Biggest Loser" finale, actually) I was thinking that I should run in a half marathon. Then I remembered that there is a yearly half marathon at Disney World. (I *HEART* Disney World!) I was thinking that it would be really cool to run the half marathon there... Why when I haven't run in nearly 10 years did this strike me as a good idea? I'm really not sure. I think I've hit my "breaking point" of disgust with myself.

By coincidence, last night, DH mentioned that he had been in contact with one of our old OU buds via FaceBook. The friend had stated that she and another OU pal might be running in the half marathon at Disney in March! I haven't mentioned my secret ambition to DH yet. I am forcing myself to write this post...because printing it makes me accountable. I don't know if I'll be ready by March...but I would love it if I was. Running 13 miles straight by March....that would be awesome!

So I started today. I RAN today. Baby steps....I ran every-other song on my iPod. Walked for two songs, then ran for all of "Cotton Eye Joe," walked a song, RAN for half of "Devil Went Down to Georgia," walked 2 songs, then finished by running for ALL of "All 4 Love" (Love me some "Color Me Badd!") Went nearly 2 miles total...not sure how far was running...but at least I did it!

So just for today, I am happy with my body. This body that helped me carry my sweet Emma. This body that I KNEW was in labor even when the doctor blew me off. This body that delivered Em ALL naturally without any epidural, not because I planned for a natural childbirth, but because I was already 5 cm dilated by the time we got to the hospital. (Em arrived less than 2 hours later. She was a super quick delivery...and too fast for an epidural.) If I can go through the pain of childbirth and recovery (I will never forget the pain of stitches "down there" without any numbing medication....it hurt almost worse than the delivery itself!) If I can endure the heartache of miscarriage and longing for another child. If I can nudge myself by remembering that I want to be the best mommy I can be....and by acknowledging that right now my fat bum and junk food eating exercise habits are not setting a good example for my Emma... then I CAN RUN!

Yes, just for today, I am loving Me! :)