Progress

It seems I've once again been away from blog land.  Most family and friends that I originally started blogging for here are now connected with me on Facebook, so my blogging bouts are further and further apart.  However DH and I made some major progress today with our SIF issues, which made me want to post. 

So on to the updates:

Work:
-I'm a bit relieved that my principal is retiring effective June 30th.  We don't know yet who the replacement for next school year will be, but I am hopeful the new person will bring positive changes our way.  Most of us feel the school morale has declined immensely over the 3 years the current principal has been with us.  In addition, the student behavior school-wide seems to have also worsened.

-I feel horrible.  A new teacher whom I'm the mentor for was told (by principal mentioned above) that she isn't being re-appointed for next year.  It's really awful.  I am livid at the way it was handled...the teacher was in the middle of instruction during 1st period, when there was a knock on her classroom door.  Upon answering the door, there was a substitute teacher who told her she was needed in the Principal's office and the sub was there to provide class coverage.  The teacher reported to the Principal's office, where our principal and one assistant principal were waiting.  They then informed her that they don't want her to return to our school next year.  After their meeting, she was expected to go back to her classroom.  Can you imagine?  I am pleased that she is sticking with it through the duration of this school year, as I think many people would have "walked" immediately upon being told their contract won't be renewed. Why this was not handled during her planning period (last period of the day) or before or after school infuriates me.  To expect someone to return to their classroom immediately after learning they were terminated?? Ridiculous!
-I do think the new teacher was doing poorly, however I don't think they gave her a fair chance.  She was hired after 13 subs had been in the classroom.  In addition, it is her first time teaching in the state of FL.  I believe she should have been given at least one more year, becuase I truly think if she'd been able to be with the students for the WHOLE school year, she could've established her own rituals and routines from Day 1 so things wouldn't have been so crazy.  To me it's like they threw her into a hornet's nest and then didn't give her any support when she tried to make her way out.

-I was informed on Weds that I will be moving back to 8th grade (instead of 6th) next school year.  I have mixed feelings about this...I really enjoy the 8th grade students, but the administrator and classroom I'll be working in are not as wonderful as those I use now. I am also a bit anxious, because county-wide the 8th grade will be using new reading curriculum next year...and new programs are always a pain in the backside to implement.  Sighs.

Emma:
-Continues to be such a joy!  I am ever thankful for my girl each and every day!

-Has completed half of the testing to be deemed "Gifted" for gifted resource classes at her school.  Unfortunately, the state of Florida allows school psychologists a certain number of school days to complete all testing, so we do not anticipate that all testing will be finished prior to school starting next year.

-Based on observations by us at home and by school staff at school, we also believe that Emma falls into the "Sensual Overexcitability" category. 

-In a nutshell, a famous Polish psychologist, Kazimierz Debrowski researched and labeled five "overexcitabilities" which gifted children often have.  http://giftedkids.about.com/od/gifted101/a/overexcite.htm

-I feel SO badly I was not honed in on the signs of this overexictability earlier!  But there are signals of overexcitability that Emma has done for as long as I can remember:
       -She MUST have clothing tags cut out of her clothes.
       -If socks don't align on her toes "just right," she will refuse to wear them.  (When we find socks she likes, I always go back and buy multiple pairs.)
        -She is sensitive to loud noises.  In movie theaters or places with loud music (concert; marching band, etc.) Emma plugs her ears.  We use ear protection for her when she views fireworks, because she hates the loud noise.   Each week at the end of dance class, the girls all form a circle, put their arms in the middle, then high five and yell "Bravo!"  Emma places one ear down on her shoulder, plugs the other ear with one hand, and then does the "high five" with the arm under her ear/shoulder.
     -She is particular about food.  She only likes certain foods and likes them certain ways.  (Ex. she prefers boxed mac&cheese to creamier homemade types.)  She also does not like for her foods to touch--she will scoot items on her plate as far apart from one another as possible.
-Fortunately, Emma's oversensitivity is mild and she seems to cope better with things the older she gets. 

-It's been interesting for me after dealing with low level IQ students for many years, to be learning more and more about the gifted and higher end needs of children. 

-It was amazing for me as a mom when for the first time, Emma (in 1st grade) passed the reading level of my lowest students (in 6th grade) this year.  Way to go, Em!

Emmaism:
-There was a Book Fair at Emma's school this week.  One of the books that she purchased was a quiz book.  DH and I cracked up today when Emma was completing a quiz about her interests.  For the question, "Who is your favorite actor?," the conversation went something like this:

Emma:  Who's that guy from "Back to the Future?"
Me:  Michael J. Fox
Emma:  No, the old guy.  Doc.
Me:  Christopher Lloyd?
Emma:  Yeah!  I love him!       

She then wrote his name down in her quiz journal as being her favorite actor.  Hilarious!

Secondary Infertility:
-After all these years, DH and I had our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist today. I felt we established more goals and plans in our 30 minutes with Dr. B than in our last three years with my OBGYN.  SOOOO glad we went!

-Thrilled that he (Dr. B) wrote down notes about our medical history himself---no secretary/RN like at my OB's office.  He spent time with us and heard us out.  I am pleased.

-We left with a 3-step plan:
1.  I will have blood work done with my next cycle in June.
2.  I will also do one cycle of Femara to try to get PG.
3.  If we do not get PG with Femara use, then the Dr. wants me to do outpatient lapraoscopic surgery, because he suspects I have endometriosis.
4.  And Beyond--after determining whether or not I have endometriosis and if it is entirely removed, we can then pursue IVF.     And they literally offer a "teacher discount" for IVF procedures done during the summer months....crazy, hey?

-DH and I both liked the doctor's demeanor.   And I think we were both stunned when the doctor told us he believes we can have a baby "for hundreds, not thousands of dollars" of medical interventions.

-So today, I feel real hope again (with regards to having Child #2) for the first time in several years.   Definite progress!

Limerick Contest

Hot off the presses...my limerick for this year's Limerick Contest as sponsored by Lori over at Write Mind, Open Heart

Whether using the bed, couch, or floor,

Sex should not feel like a chore.

Despite all the trying,

And pregnancy test buying,

We’re still wanting a family of four.

Be sure to check out Lori's blog to see the other entries for 2011! :)

2 Years

Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of my miscarriage.

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have the 2nd child I'm hoping for?

I can't help but think how different things could be right now.

I can't help but hope.

The saga continues...

A Bit of Progress

This weekend I made HUGE emotional progress. While I still want a 2nd child, I've been working myself up for a few months to try to accept that I may be "meant to be" the mother of a singleton. I am NOT by any means giving up on my dream of a 2nd child yet, but...

Rather than decking the house with Christmas decor as I intended when I awoke on Saturday morning, I instead cleaned the garage. Mind you, the majority of this "cleaning" consisted of loading hubby's mini van and my car until they were filled to the max with Emma's old baby clothing and items. I had large R.ubbermaid bins filled with infant clothes, 1 year clothes, 2 year clothes, etc. from each year of Emma's life. I included the baby Exersaucer, the crib mobile, the baby kick-and-play-station items, bedding, infant/toddler toys a whole R.ubbermaid of books, etc. With the exception of the wall hangings and crib set (which match the wallpaper border still in Em's old room) I got rid of everything except for:
--2 boxes of my ultimate "favorite" clothing I plan to gift to two of my girlfriends who recently had baby girls
--1 Baby swing I already offered to a PG friend.
--Em's old high chair (it perfectly matches our kitchen table, so we'll store it in the garage for a bit longer.)

I shed a few tears looking at some of the clothing before packing up our cars... But then I realized that the tears weren't really for the baby-who-isn't. They were tears of nostalgia as I remembered people giving me the outfits for Em, or times/places Baby-Emma wore particular clothing.

We tried to sell the items to a local consignment shop, but they were super busy and had specific requirements as to how they wanted clothing "delivered" before they would review it and provide an estimate. I decided it wasn't worth the hassle, so we took the rest of the things to the S.alvation.Army and donated them. The men working there were very gracious saying they would likely use some of the things "to give some families a really nice Christmas."

Obviously, as Emma is SIX, I had been hanging on to many of these items for a long while. I originally kept the items with hopes of saving $$ for Child #2...but as time went on, we were running out of storage space. (We don't have a basement or attic and our garage was getting to be out of control with floor-to-ceiling storage containers in many places.)

The best part... I know it has only been 24 hours, but I DON'T HURT. Even as recently as summer (4 months ago) it still tore at my heart to think of getting rid of the old baby items. It made me feel like I was giving up on my dream. Now I feel like I am moving on emotionally...

As I said, I still want Child #2, I just realize logically (for once) that keeping hand-me-downs for 6 years isn't going to work! Yay me! :)

35 Today

Birthday: I turn 35 today. After re-reading last year's birthday post HERE, I find I am in the same place in many ways. Still hoping, still wanting Child #2, still wondering if I am "meant" to have another child, or if I should try to turn off my longings and be content as a mom of "an only."

What's new this year? I have been diligent about charting my cycles. I have borrowed a fertility monitor and have been using it to determine the ultimate "babydance" days. I met with my OB in January and reviewed the few charts I had. DH and I are to continue "getting busy" on my peak fertility days each month for 6 months. I have a follow-up OB appointment scheduled for early August. If I am not PG by that time, OB will refer us for further testing (she mentioned specifically semen analysis for DH...I don't know yet what I would be involved in.) I am a little frustrated at waiting 6 more months when it feels like we've been waiting forever (we've been trying to get PG for almost 3 years now.) However, as I wasn't actively charting, taking temperature, or consistently using the fertility monitor, I can't blame doc for encouraging that route of "trying" first.

What's similar to last year? Much of why I want a baby is because sibling relationships are important to me. I want Emma to have a sibling! She wants a sibling too, mentioning casual things now and then. For example, when she didn't want to wear her Easter hairclips this week, she told me I could "keep them for if I get a Baby Sister someday." Sighs.

Showers for Friends: Baby Shower #2 went mostly well. My expectant gal-pal is PG with a boy, so unlike Shower #1 where the girly items made me nostalgic, the boy clothes and toys were unfamiliar to me...and good God were the tiny baby clothes the cutest things EVER. I am in love with the teeny-tiny socks that look like sneakers! I was pleasantly surprised to see 2 co-workers from my old school, so I ended up sitting between the two of them. It was good to reminisce and catch up...and luckily for me, this helped keep my mind from dwelling/wandering. Whew!

Spring Break Fun:
Em and I visited Fort Clinch State Park yesterday. (Ft. Clinch was an active fort during the Civil War. It's located near Fernandina Beach...about 45 minutes north of Jacksonville.) Em loved walking around the large fort, through the brick tunnels, and then visiting the nearby beach. Pics below...


Em with cannon on the roof of the fort.




Larger view of roof/cannon area.




Dining Hall


Em in one of the fort tunnels.


Laundry area.


Where soldiers could get uniforms, shoes, and blankets.


Tool shed.


Em thought it was neat to see a U.S. flag without 50 stars.



The main bunker inside the fort.


Em found a shady bench.



Splish splash girl.



Em: "Look at the parking garage I made!"


My beach girl.



Mission accomplished! She-who-hates-naps was sacked out on the car ride home!


Lastly, me with Cannon #35 in honor of my b-day. Here's to the next 35!

Disgruntled

ARRRRGH! That is how I'm feeling today....

--School: I don't get alone time in my classroom. During my planning period one of the teachers who has too many students in her Read180 class, sends students to my room to use the computers. It's only 1 or 2 students, but still frustrating to not have time to decompress, turn up my music, etc. like I would if I were alone in the room.

--After school there is a teacher and group of students in my room for the after school tutoring program. They are nice kids, respectful towards me and the room. I know it could be much worse...it's just that I don't have MY OWN SPACE anymore. (This should be resolved in a few weeks once the A.C. in the other teacher's room is fixed.)

--Weather: 93 Degrees. Record setting temperatures this week. What the heck??? It is autumn now, NOT summer. Mother nature, if you could please cooperate and cool down a bit, I'd really appreciate it.

--Exercise: I am feeling blecky and I know part of that is due to my complete and total lack of exercise since the school year started kicking my butt. Sighs....gotta force myself to fit some kind of work out back into my life. (Pathetic moment of the week: I ate a D.airy Queen D.illybar IN BED while watching "The Biggest Loser" last night. Good grief!)

--Family Dynamics: I don't know if DH is overwhelmed with his novel, or what. His Dad called a few times last week to check on Em. DH didn't bother to call back. This drives me nutty... I think it is disrespectful.

--Babies: I'm tired of wanting another child and not getting PG. I'm tired of friends hurting from longing for a child. I'm tired of second guessing myself and wondering if I'm not PG because God or Fate or Karma or Whatever think I would suck at having 2 kids. I'm tired of thinking, "I wish she had a sibling" during times when Emma is whiny and/or struggling when she doesn't get things her way. Why can't I just be content with what I have?

--Oh the irony...as I read the disgruntled tone of this message, I think much of it is due to P.M.S. Drat!

(Thanks, Dear Readers....a more cheerful tone next time, I promise.)

Countdown

26--- Days of school left for students

28---# of school days until summer (Teachers have 2 post-planning days after students are out.)

60ish---# of days until I visit OB to take the "next steps" in my trying-to-get-pregnant-again journey. (After my miscarriage in January, I was told to "come back in 6 months if you're not pregnant, and we'll look into things from there...") AF started today...and sadly I'm not optimistic about having a BFP in June or July.

70ish---# of days until I'll see my extended family again. We're not sure the exact dates yet. However, DH, Em and I will be taking a road trip to Ohio to see my parents, younger sis, and some Ohio friends.

93---Days until my Girl Power reunion weekend with my college gal-pals

1---Day left until the meeting with my reading department, principal, vice principal, and district reps. Yikes. (Click here if you're interested in more details.)

2009 is flying by...

Conversations at the Zoo

We live 10 minutes from the Jacksonville Zoo. We've been "zoo members" since the year I was pregnant with Em. We've enjoyed many an outing at the zoo. Especially the past few post-stroller years. (Much more fun now that Em can walk and run and see the animals up close instead of having her in the stroller for much of the visit.) Em gets really excited about looking at the animals. (Of course the nice play yard and water park are major fun features for her as well.)

Today DH had to work. Em and I went to the Zoo for the day. We had some very interesting conversations. How I love spending time with my girl!


Some Zoo Emmaisms:
--"Look at that monkey! He's just sitting there chillin' "
(ROFL...we have no idea where she learned the word "chillin," as DH and I don't use this word, I guess she picked it up at school.)

--As we were throwing away our lunch garbage, Em walked over to a family with a baby. She looked at the mother holding the baby and said, "I like her dress!" (Little did she know how this tugged at my heartstrings.)

--As we waited in line for the train, there was a baby in a stroller with her mom and older brother waiting in line next to us. Em played peek-a-book and smiley-silly-face-making with the baby the whole time we waited for the train. Em said, "She likes me! See how she keeps smiling at me?" When we got on the train, Em scooted to the end seat. She then folded her hands, looked up at the sky and said, "Please God put a baby in Mommy's tummy." I hugged her close as I fought back tears...from your mouth to God's ears, my little one.

--On a lighter note: A conversation as we were walking around the zoo...
Emma: "Mommy, what does 'whoopie' mean?"
Me: (Thinking---holy crap, what TV show did she watch with sex that I don't know about?)
(Faking calmness): "Um, what do you mean? Who says "whoopie?"
Em: The mom on the Brady Bunch. In the one about the wedding when she gets excited, she says, "WHOOPIE!"
Me: (Cracking up and VERY relieved) "OH! Sometimes people say "whoopie" when they're excited. It's like saying "Yea!""

What a day!

"That Kid"

As a teacher, I know what it is like to have "that kid" in my class. The student who I have a slight sigh of relief for...on the days that he is absent.

Yesterday when I picked up my daughter from school, there was a note attached to her daily file saying that she and her "best friend" hurt one another's feelings. Apparently, my Em was being bossy and wanted to play in the "Home Living Center." She demanded that her friend Camille play with her. However, Camille did not want to play in the Home Living center. Em had to sit in the "Thinking Chair" for a few minutes after having a meltdown when Camille didn't follow her requests. (Ode to 4 year old drama!)

The teacher has spoken to DH and I a few times in the past few weeks about Em being "bossy." Sighs... I really hope she isn't turning into "that kid." DH and I believe she is bored. Em is the oldest in her class. She missed the age cut-off for the school year by 17 days. (Cutoff for grade levels is a birthday before August 30th, and Em's bday is Sept 17th.) Thus, Em turned 4 after they'd been in school less than a month. There are still classmates in her classroom who have not turned 4 yet...meanwhile, Em is now closer to 5 than 4.

Yesterday I spoke with the teacher regarding Em's behavior. I said that I understand that Emma's bossiness is not acceptable. I explained we've been working with her at home...but we don't really have a bossiness problem here, since Em is...gulp...an only child. (Drat those blasted baby longings. I never would've expected them in the middle of a teacher conference!)

I reminded the teacher that Emma loves arts and crafts. I explained that Em has been excited about learning to write. (For example, Em recently asked me to write "OPEN" and "CLOSED" on a piece of paper. She then copied the words onto multiple sheets of paper and went around the house sticking the papers to all the doors and windows, labeling whether they were "open" or "closed.") I suggested that if Em acts bossy, the teacher encourage her to draw or trace letters, as a diversion from Camille. The teacher seemed agreeable to this and stated she had many letter-tracing activities she'd make copies of to have in the classroom today.

When I picked Em up today, her teacher had already left and Em was in the "pick up" room. Em had a "green day" indicated in her folder. When I asked her if Ms. Stephanie had any new art or writing projects today, she said NO. I later worded the question differently and asked Em if she wrote any "letters" at school today. Em again responded NO.

Em did tell me that she and Camille had "a good day" and that they "played together some of the day, but not all day."

I will try to meet with her teacher for a "bossiness" update next week. I don't want my little sweetie to turn into "that kid." Ugh!

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. 34. I greet it with mixed emotions...on the one hand things with my job and family are going wonderfully and I'm grateful. On the other hand, the closer I get to 35, I begin to freak out about not having child #2 yet. Am I meant to only have 1 child? Should I give up on my dream of having a sibling for Emma? We'll find out the next step in our trying-to-get pregnant journey sometime this summer. (After my miscarriage in January, the doctor said to come back in 6 months if I wasn't pregnant again, and we could pursue testing for fertility issues from there.) (But, you can "hear" the lack of optimism in my tone, as I was off the pill for 3 YEARS before getting PG in January, so I'm not expecting any "quick" pregnancies with news in June/July.)

Sighs, my birthday wish this year is for peace of mind. Let me have a restful heart. If I'm only meant to have my sweet Emma, let me cherish every moment and move on. I can't imagine life without siblings. Especially my younger sister, whom is someone I'd fight tigers for. It is important to me that Emma experience this...if I am meant to give up this dream, I hope I "know" sooner than later.

Bump Envy

Bump Envy: I saw these words on someone else's blog (SORRY! I don't remember who, so can't credit them.) How true these words are! Our Disney trip was 98% wonderful. The other 2% was difficult as I struggled with seeing happy glowing-faced pregnant women. Though not a bump, I also had BIG tugs at my heartstrings when DH was making goo-goo eyes at a baby who was in front of us in line. The baby was SO tiny! (Smaller than I would've brought to Disney... but I won't judge.) And DH was very sweet. :)

This morning as we got ready for school, Emma said, "Mommy, I want a little brother or sister. I don't even care which one. I've never seen you with a big tummy. That would be fun. Why can't we have a brother or sister?" I responded that I would like to have a brother or sister too. I said we'll have to keep praying and maybe God will help put a baby in Mommy's tummy someday. Emma responded, "I hope it's soon!" Sighs...me too, my sweet little girl.

Out of curiosity, I just researched "envy" at Merriam-Webster.com. The dictionary site defines envy as, "painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage." Yes, that sums it up perfectly. I have bump-envy.

Quick Update

LOVE the above comic! And yes, I SO relate.

Quick update: Had the OB follow-up appointment today. My ovarian cyst is completely gone. Miscarriage with Peanut "cleared out" (UGH!) as anticipated from my hormone levels. We were given the "go ahead" to try getting pregnant again. If I'm not pregnant within 6 months, I'm to go back for a follow up appointment at which time we'll look into hormone levels, possible fertility issues, etc.

I'm comfortable with this scenario.

However, I still feel self-inflicted pressure due to my age (almost 34). And especially due to Emma's age, as I don't want her and Kid#2 to have a really large age gap between them.

So I'm praying foremost for patience. And secondly for a pregnancy that "sticks."

Why I'm blue...

I have the blues. Sighs. Here's what's going on in my world...

--We just got back from 3 weeks in Ohio. My daughter, DH, and I were spoiled by an abundance of time with my parents and younger sister. Now we are back in Florida and I miss them all.

--It is BLAZING hot here. (Sign at Walgreen's today said 99 degrees...there's nothing like sweating just by walking to the mailbox. And NO, I don't have a long driveway.)

--I have baby longings. I've been off the pill for a year and 7 months. No baby. Am I too old? Too fat? Too out of shape? Is child #2 just not meant to be? My cycle was late when we left for Ohio. I was so excited to think that we might be pregnant and actually able to tell my parents about the pregnancy in person this time, instead of via the phone like when I was pregnant with my daughter. Confession: I even bought a hpt....and literally started my period the day after the blasted test was negative. I haven't been to the OB for a yearly check for almost 2 years, because I am afraid what she will tell me. Am I pathetic, or what??

--My younger sister and I are 4 years and 8 months apart...I don't want Emma and any future siblings to be much farther apart than that. Emma turns 4 in September. Sighs. This means I need to get pregnant soon.

--School starts in 3 weeks. While I am extremely excited to be teaching at a new school this year, I don't want the summer to end! I am enjoying Mommy-and-Emma time!

--I went yesterday to see my new classroom for the first time. The prior teacher did not take down anything! I stopped counting at 35 posters that are stapled into the wall. In addition, the desk drawers and cabinets are still full of stuff (including 30+ bottles of silly-string spray...sadly I'm NOT kidding.) I resent that I have to spend time clearing out her crap before I can begin to get my own stuff ready.

--Our yard looks like a mini jungle. We just got back from vacation...it is overgrown and our yard guy hasn't returned my phonecalls. Our lawn mower broke a few months ago, so even if I wanted to mow it myself, I can't.

--I was raised in Ohio. I lived there until just after I graduated from college, when I moved to Florida to live with DH (whom I met in college.) I am still in touch with one close friend I've known since 3rd grade. In addition, I still have some girlfriends from college who I am in contact with.
Since moving to Florida, I have struggled to make girlfriends. It is hard to find people with similar values and/or interests. Those who I have found: Alex---moved to North Carolina last September, MaryAnn---moved to Indiana last November, and now Teri---moved to Michigan last month. What the heck?? For some reason this is a very transient city. I am praying to make some new friends at my school this year.

--I don't know where I want to be. This time last year I was gung-ho on moving back to Ohio. Then in December, DH's grandmother passed away and we went to Ohio for her funeral services. It wasn't even a rough part of winter while we were there. But boy oh boy did I realize how much I hate the snow, dreary weather, and bitter cold. I hate being far from my family, but the 1 - 2 months of extreme heat here are much less than the 4 (sometimes 4+) months of winter they have there. Ugh.

Okay...enough wallowing...