Black Cloud

Work: It feels like there has been a black cloud over the 4 other members of my reading department and I for the past 2 and 1/2 months...

-D.F.'s jeep was totaled when a teenager ran a red light and smashed into her on the way to school the week before winter break. She suffered a concussion, but thankfully no other major injuries at the scene of the accident. She is still suffering dizzy spells sometimes, but is fortunately "okay" physically other than dealing with headaches and dizziness.

-C.J. tripped and fell on a parking lot curb while shopping the 2nd week of January. She fractured her elbow and has missed lots of work with doctor's appointments and physical therapy appointments, etc. And of course Murphy's Law of injuries--the elbow she shattered was on her dominant arm and effects the hand that she writes with. In addition, her mother has had some circulatory issues and has had to have 2 days of testing at the local Mayo Clinic to try to determine the cause.

-A.S. is our newbie and coming in mid-year after a slew of substitutes she continues to be like someone who is treading water with no shore in sight. On top of still trying to learn the ins and outs of both our county software and our reading program software, she feels like her students are running amok behaviorally.

I am her assigned mentor and am struggling a bit. I feel badly for her, as I know first-hand what it is like to try to take over a classroom mid-year. (When I started teaching back in '03, I began in November after the students had had several different substitutes for the 6 weeks before I was hired.) However, A.S. is not being assertive enough. She tells me things in our mentor/mentee meetings like, "I tell students to rotate to the computer station and they don't go." UHHH...hello! Whose classroom is it? She needs to take charge! It's really difficult because we've discussed parent phone calls, class participation points, the system I use to monitor students' rotations in my classroom, etc., but I can only make suggestions and offer support and ideas, I can't force her to use them. I'm just surprised by her lack of classroom management, because she has 2 teenage sons, and though she took a break for 12 years, she did teach previously.

-L.P., whose husband died 10 years ago and whose only child died in a freak accident at age 27 two years ago had been dealing with the declining health of her mother. She had recently helped her mother begrudgingly move into a full-time hospice center. Sadly, her mother died this past Thursday. I am so grateful that L.P. was able to be off of work and was with her mother at the time she passed away. (L.P. had missed a lot of work in December due to her mother being hospitalized, and she didn't want to miss anymore days.) Her mom had actually been doing better health-wise the past 2 weeks, so her death was a bit unexpected. My heart goes out to L.P., as she is an only child herself, and now she is truly alone with regards to having any family. She is taking next week off and among making arrangements for her mother's funeral services, she is faced with the task of having her mother's body transported from Florida to Georgia so that her mom can be buried in the burial plot with her father in their GA hometown. So sad!

-Add my January miscarriage to the mix, and you can see that the five of us combined have had tons of stressful incidents to cope with. I am hoping that the dark cloud has rained itself out now!

SIF:
My follow-up with the OB went like this:
--Bloodwork results were again normal.
--There is a cyst. I was mistaken it is on my right ovary, not left. It is 2.3 cm in diameter. I go back in 6 weeks for a sonogram to confirm whether or not the cyst is growing or shrinking. If it is shrinking (which my cyst back in '09 did and eventually disappeared on its' own) then I'm home free. If it is growing, we'll discuss whether or not surgery for removal is needed.
--I was given a referral for a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist for DH and I. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. As I stated 2 posts ago, I had finally come to terms with being a mom to a singleton...I am not sure what measures I am now willing to take with regards to becoming pregnant again. However, after thinking on it and discussing things with DH I am now glad to have a consult (finally, after all these years!) and hopefully find some answers. In April, I turn 37 and hubby turns 38, so I think it is best for us to at least discuss diagnoses and options ASAP, and then decide whether or not we plan to actively try again for Child #2 or not. Also, I want to ask for feedback regarding my cyst and whether or not the RE thinks it impacted my having a miscarriage, as my OB was vague and basically said she couldn't determine whether or not the two events were linked.

Weight Loss:
-Prior to the miscarriage, I was determined to lose weight this year. However, I got off to a lousy start and wasn't watching my food intake or exercising at all.

-Then my OB recommended that I work toward weight loss. She said whether or not I plan to get PG again in the future, weight loss would be best for my overall health. Of course I know she's right, but it's difficult to hear from someone else. (Especially someone as tiny and petite as my beautiful OBGYN is!)

-Anyway, DH has been off to an awesome weight loss start. For about 4 weeks now he's been back to running and exercising regularly along with watching his food intake. Though it has only been a week, I am finally on the band wagon. We made sure to buy lots of healthy food options at the grocery last week. Yesterday and today I've finally been exercising again. We used some of our tax return money to buy a Kinect for our XBOX this afternoon. Wowie, zowie....awesome workout! Em and I have played on it for several hours...I can't even tell you how sore my thigh and upper arm muscles are. Also, my sister got me an awesome Wii Dance game for Christmas that kicks my butt in a good way. :)

-I know from my past miscarriages and life in general that my emotions feel better when my body is more active. So I am determined to get more exercise. The difficulty is that on work days, this sometimes means I'll have to make my butt get up early and workout BEFORE work...because I am prone to skip workouts if I wait until I'm tired AFTER work. (Not to mention that DH doesn't get home from work until 7:30ish, so it makes for working out close to bedtime, unless I workout WITH Emma.)

To wrap up...as the black cloud over my department at work (hopefully) dissipates, I continue to work on getting my emotions back in check. I'm not as mopey as I was the week after the miscarriage and am starting to "move on." (Though I know, one never really "moves on" 100%.) A few weeks ago, I found a small card I've had since high school. I placed it on the iPod stand/speakers in our kitchen so I see it everyday: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) It helps to remind me that the black cloud won't always be here. Here's hoping for a silver lining, whatever that may be.

The Latest

So here's a quick scoop of the latest after my OB appointment yesterday:

-Pregnancy test was negative. (Duh! Guess I should be grateful they're thorough.)

-Had to go to the lab for blood work this morning and will re-do blood work again on Thursday morning to check my beta levels.

-Ultrasound on Thursday morning----they suspect there is a cyst on my left ovary and want to do an ultrasound to confirm and determine the size. Interesting....in looking over my blog posts after my miscarriage in '09, I had forgotten that I also had an ovarian cyst (which ended up bursting on its' own) at that time.

-Follow up appointment with doc on 1/30 for "follow up" and discussing plans for the future.

-Had to meet with my principal yesterday...fortunately I have 1st period planning period this school year. She is allowing me to be "late" to school for all of my blood work and OB appointments---missing most of my planning class period---rather than having to take a 1/2 day or whole day off work. Whew! This is the same woman who required me to take a half day of personal leave in order to attend the Open House at Emma's school on a teacher PLANNING day (with no students present, thus no substitute required,) so I am pleased and appreciative of her support.

-I'll post as I learn more.

Long Time Gone...

Thank you Dixie Chicks for my opening mantra:
"A longtime gone/ No I ain't hit the roof since I don't know when/longtime gone/and it ain't comin' back again."

My blog avoidance started with work stress. For those of you who have been around for awhile (if you're still there??? I know I've been away for literally months.) Anyway, those who've been around will recall that I've been teaching at my current school for 4 years. I've been the reading department chair all 4 years that I've worked here. At the end of the first year and beginning of my 2nd, we had a member of our department who left our school without notice. This puts a HUGE burden on my shoulders as I must help the long-term substitute with grades, attendance, lesson planning, etc. It is a lot of extra work. (Unpaid, might I add.)

This year we started the school year off strong. My 5 person reading department was united and working well together. Then, the 2nd week of school, our newest member ended up being hospitalized. It was literally 2 months of burden for me...she neglected to return ANY phone calls or emails. Not only did we have NO idea where she was hospitalized or what was even wrong with her health, we had NO idea if she planned to return to teaching at our school. Eventually, my principal was able to file a grievance (because the teacher also neglected to return any correspondence with our principal....don't get me started about the total lack of professionalism.) At this point, they were able to hire a long-term substitute teacher who was
able to teach for the last 3 weeks of 1st quarter, and beginning part of 2nd quarter. Though the substitute was eager and helpful, it still created a lot of extra work for me. We were finally able to officially terminate the teacher who'd only taught 2 weeks at our school prior to taking medical leave and never returning anyone's calls. The week before winter break a permanent teaching replacement was hired (bless her heart!) She is sticking with things thus far...though you can imagine how rowdy her classes are after literally a quarter and a half of substitute teachers. Our new teacher is brand new to both teaching in our county AND to using the reading program implemented in my school. So, while I'm thankful she's here it has again been a lot of work helping to train her on the reading software, lesson plan formats, etc. Not to mention, she also was unfamiliar with our county's email and attendance system.

SIF:
This takes me to the latest...The latter part of 2011 brought me peace with being a mom to an "only." Not that she wasn't previously, but Emma has been such a delight to spend time with. She is eager to learn, SO smart, enjoys playing fun pranks, and has really mellowed out. She has grown to the stage where she has MUCH independence and ability to do things on her own. I truly love spending time with my girl. Around the time of Emma's birthday last September I had started a new mantra for myself---STOP moping around about not having Child #2 and focus on being the best mommy I can be for Emma.

I was finally okay with the idea of not expanding our family. I was truly comfortable emotionally for the first time in years. (Meaning, no longer wallowing over only having 1 child. No longer hoping/planning/longing for Child #2.) Though we only had a few items left in storage after my major purging of Emma's leftover baby items in 2010, I finally got rid of the rest---the high chair, the baby swing, the Suzy's Zoo crib bedding and room decor, and the rest of the baby and toddler toys. I was content with my life and at a good place.

Then the second week of January 2012, I had another miscarriage. (#3.) It was extremely early. SO early that I didn't even know I was pregnant until I started bleeding 9 days before my period should have been. This lead to a FB post I created on January 10th: "Could use thoughts, prayers and well-wishes...going through some stuff. Thanks!"

Tomorrow is my OBGYN follow-up appointment to verify that all is "okay." I've had a few of you who are also my friends in real life and/or on FBook ask me if the OB plans to do a recurrent loss panel. I'm hoping to have some answers tomorrow.

My awful cramping and bleeding (sorry for TMI) stopped around a week ago. DH and I both took one day off work. I was able to lay and cuddle and mope with him in bed all day...it helped immensely.

My difficulty now is that my emotions are in a state of chaos. I feel like every time I come to some type of acceptance of being a mom to "just" one, something happens to swirl my emotions around again. Why does my body have to wreak havoc on my emotions? I was finally---after years---at a place of acceptance. Now I am playing the "What If?" game again. What if I am meant to have another child? Is my miscarriage the Universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't have given up on my dream of expanding our family? OR what if this is some sick way of confirming my thoughts---#2 is not meant to be. Sighs. I'm working toward finding the self-acceptance I reveled in the last few months of 2011.

That's the "big stuff." I will try to be more proactive about blogging. I had forgotten what a great emotional outlet this is. Just typing this post has helped me feel some relief.

I'd appreciate love and well wishes for my morning appointment tomorrow. <3

2 Years

Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of my miscarriage.

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have the 2nd child I'm hoping for?

I can't help but think how different things could be right now.

I can't help but hope.

The saga continues...

One Year

Tomorrow (1/13) is the one year anniversary of when I learned I was having a miscarriage...

I'm not sure where I expected to "be" in the emotional sense. In many regards, I've moved on with my life. Yet, in many other ways my desire for another child repeatedly brings me back to the fact that I miscarried my last pregnancy. Harsh, but true.

Generally I think I'm over the emotional pain associated with my loss. Meaning, I don't have feelings of grief or "why did I lose my baby?" However, I still have much longing. I still experience moments of intense jealousy when I see babies...or sometimes even just baby-related items.

Fortunately, my "bump envy" over seeing (or hearing about) pregnant women seems to have mostly subsided. And though I may have a quick glimmer of "Damn! I can't believe ANOTHER friend is pregnant and I'm not," I do feel truly happy for my friends and family who are expecting.

Part of my self-inflicted time crunch for wanting another child is that in 4 months I'll be 35. While I in no way consider 35 "old," I know it comes with a whole new set of risks for a baby's health. Not to mention increased risk of another miscarriage. GULP!

The rational side of me acknowledges that my mother and both grandmothers had children when they were over 35. In fact, my Dad's mother literally had FOUR children in FIVE years, and the first child (my Dad) was born when she was 36.

My rationale also acknowledges that my maternal grandmother and my mother had their children with very large age gaps. (My Mom and her twin brother were born 17 years younger than their oldest brother, 15 years younger than their next brother, and 6 years younger than their sister. Talk about having kids at home for 20+ years...wow!) (In my family my older sis is 8 years older than me, and I'm 4 1/2 years older than my younger sis.)

To my knowledge, neither grandmother had any complications with their pregnancies. (Though I still find it fascinating that my grandmother didn't know she was pregnant with twins until the day my Mom and her brother were delivered. What a surprise!)

My Mom suffered at least one miscarriage between the birth of my older sister and I. I don't know of any miscarriage history with either of my grandmothers.

Dad's Mom was 41 with the delivery of her last child. Mom's Mom was 37 with her last delivery---the twins. And my Mom was 36 with the birth of my younger sister. Looking at my family history....at 2 grandmothers and a mom who between them birthed 12 children.... it makes me wondered if my genes are pre-destined to have a child in my late 30's. Am I being illogical?

An interesting fact found on the March of Dimes website: 1 in 5 women in the U.S. has her FIRST child after age 35.

I am not anti-fertility treatments. I just know that my family history has shown on both sides of my family that children were eventually conceived WITHOUT fertility aides. Combining this with my worry of the expense (I have MUCH Mama guilt over the thought of blowing our future larger-house-fund and/or Emma's college fund on fertility treatments. It's sooooo hard considering spending money on a "maybe." If only there were a 100% guarantee, I wouldn't fret so much.) This is why I've avoided the "fertility" doc for so long. Because the reality is...if my OB refers me to a fertility specialist, beyond testing to find out why we're not getting pregnant...I don't know how far I want to pursue things. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous when you take into account I want another child. But it's what I'm feeling, so I'm putting it in writing. Are you getting the sense of whirlwind emotions I'm experiencing?

I won't even go into the Mama-guilt of "Emma should be enough." I pray that she never, EVER thinks she isn't. One day I will explain to her that so much of my longing for another child is because sibling relationships are so important to me. The fact that I want a sibling FOR Emma, is much of why I want a baby added to our family.

So, today is like many others. I sometimes think, "What if?" What if I hadn't miscarried the baby...I'd have a 4 month-old infant right now. Em would have a sibling. Would the longing in my heart go away? I force myself to move on. To not dwell nor feel sorry for myself. But I continue my dream of wanting another child.

And though my heart feels like time is ticking away, my mind wonders if I just need to hang on a bit longer...

2009

DH and I were married in September 1998. Beginning with Christmas 1999, I've written and mailed a Christmas letter to family and friends each year. Usually, I do a month-by-month or season-by-season rundown of what big events happened in our household during the year. As the majority of our family and friends live out of state, I like thinking that I'm "updating" them on things they may not have otherwise known about.

I have a Christmas album dedicated to these yearly letters. It has a copy of each year's letter, and includes the photo and/or card which accompanied the letters we sent. Each winter, I enjoy re-reading all of the letters. It's a neat reminder of what has happened since DH and I were married. From our first post-college jobs to getting our first pets, to announcing the birth of Emma...our letters capture all of the events which stand out as we reflect on each year.

This year's letter was the 10th Christmas letter I've mailed. Yet it was the most difficult to write. As I started to write this year's letter, I noted that Emma had her first hair cut the first weekend of January. This was a big event for us---most kids don't wait until they turn 4 to get their hair cut. But Em had such fine, baby fuzz hair and was nearly bald until she was 2. She didn't really have "pony tail" hair until she turned 3. So, though I felt lame including it in a holiday letter, Em's haircut was mentioned in the Christmas letter this year.

The next significant event of 2009, was my miscarriage. January 13th is when I was told that I was miscarrying Peanut. I came to a standstill. I wanted to include this in my holiday letter, as it was definitely a significant event in 2009. I tried. At first I included the miscarriage. But it was really difficult for me to keep a lighthearted Christmas cheer type of tone when discussing the despair I felt at losing a baby. Thus, I decided not to mention it at all.

Therefore, the entire time I was sifting through my calendar, asking DH and Emma what events stood out for them in 2009, and writing our yearly letter...I kept thinking that the event which stands out the most for me would not be included.

Shortly after mailing off the Christmas letters I eventually composed, I participated in ICLW---International Comment Leaving Week. It's an event wherein blog writers commit to reading and commenting on 6 other blogs every day for a week. As it is sponsored by Mel the majority of bloggers involved are usually part of the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community. Two days after Christmas, I came across a blog I don't think I've visited before. I was struck by the post... The blog author and her DH had endured the loss of their sweet baby boy at only 18 weeks gestation. I was saddened for their loss. If I still hurt a year later over a baby who I never met, imagine their heartache at having to deliver, hold, and say good-bye to their infant?

What I was especially moved by, was the writer's Christmas card. She and her DH had dedicated their entire card to the memory of their sweet Baby, and to thanking their family and friends for the support they've received. Why didn't I think of that?? Two parts of their Christmas greeting stood out to me: First, " Unfortunately, the plan for our lives was a little different than we anticipated." YES! That line called out to me---my 2009 outcome was also very different than I anticipated. And second, "Christmas seems the most appropriate time to share these blessings and thank everyone for the amazing amount of support we have received. Your prayers, caring words, love, and kindness have truly changed our lives. " YES! As I continue to move on (and still long for another child) it is important for me to be grateful for the outpouring of love we've experienced this year. Thank you, to the blog writer at My Journey with Endometriosis your words described exactly how I am feeling and helped me find closure for 2009.

So if you are reading this, thank you. To those who let me rant and vent and ramble when I need to , I appreciate you. To those who've been there for hugs in person or hugs via the Internet or telephone, I have felt your love. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes and caring. I truly appreciate it!

I went from being misty-eyed while decorating for Christmas (dwelling on not having a newborn) to being even more grateful and appreciative for what I do have. Farewell 2009...I bid you adieu and thank you for the lessons learned, family treasured and friendships gained.

Emotional Struggles

(Sorry in advance for the depressed tone, but this blog is my place to vent...and the paragraphs below explain where I've been emotionally the past week and a half.)

Last week I had a bit of an internal emotional struggle. Emma's former classmate's mother, AB was induced and gave birth to a lovely baby girl. I struggled because the baby was born on my Dad's birthday. (The envy set in---why couldn't I be having a kiddo on that day?) But mostly, I was upset because AB is the only person I know in real life who was pregnant when I was. Back in January she and I found out we were pregnant the same week. We talked about how neat it would be having both of our kids the same ages. Then a week later I miscarried Peanut. Sighs. I am happy for AB (and her family,) but even though I think I've "moved on" miscarriage wise, AB is the one person it is still difficult for me to face.

Over the summer I saw pregnant friends, held newborn babies of friends, even looked at a scrapbook/babybook one friend made, and I was truly happy for them AND okay emotionally. But I think because I associate AB's pregnancy with my own pregnancy, it's just a little much for me to handle.

Thankfully, AB and her DH opted to change schools for their son this year, so I haven't seen AB in person for a while. I'm able to pick and choose which emails I read fully, or skim and scan over. There seems to be a ratio... Emails talking about AB's general health = read fully; emails giving every baby detail = skim/scan/delete. Am I a jerk, or what?

Why can I read details of online friends' pregnancies and view pictures of their children or growing bellies or ultrasounds and be thrilled for them? Yet a woman I know personally is difficult to acknowledge?

I have to guiltily admit I felt RELIEF that I'll be out of town this weekend. Another girlfriend sent an evite to a jewelry party she's having. After I RSVPed "no," I noticed that AB had RSVPed "maybe," and had added a comment that "it might be nice to get out of the house for a bit." ACKKKK! I hate that I felt relieved that I won't be seeing AB just yet. But when will I be ready?

The social worker in me senses avoidance. The mama-who-wants-Baby #2 in me senses survival.

I thought my heart had healed...now I'm not so sure.

Random Ruminations

Summer: Em and I have been enjoying summer outings. Today we went to the amazing downtown library. We participated in Story Time (which always ends with a story and song sung by an animatronic owl---WAY cool!) and Family Art Time. The "Main Library" downtown is literally the largest public library in Florida. It is amazing! I'll have to take pics for Show&Tell one of these days. :)

Today our friends from Em's gymnastics class went with us. It was our first non-gymnastics related play date with them. It went really well---Em and M hit it off well. His Mom, G and I got along great. I even legitimately ogled his 7-month old brother WITHOUT jealousy pangs, yea me! (And of course somehow the conversation somehow led to IF at one point, wherein I learned G had 2 miscarriages and struggled to get PG prior to the birth of her baby. Sighs.) Hooray for new friends!!

"Cool" Play yards: One thing that drives me insanely crazy is the LACK of inside and/or shaded play areas here in Florida. When it is in the 90's as it has been the past week and a half, it is difficult to find outings where Em can run/play/exercise in a cool environment. ALL of the B.urger K.ings nearby have taken down their play equipment...I'm guessing someone somewhere sued them. This is a bummer b/c there was a B.K. with a ginormous and amazing Kid's area...that now has tables and "Free WiFi" instead of the play yard equipment. We sometimes end up at C.hic F.ilet, which is fine, but their play yard isn't very large.
There are many local Mc.Donald's, however the majority of those with play areas have OUTDOOR play yards. I'm fine with this, as I enjoy spending time outside...except, they don't have shade. Who designs this stuff? Play yards in FL with NO shade?
Kind of like our favorite local park...great swings and jungle-gym type equipment...but we can only go in the evenings this time of year, or we'll scorch! Once again---no shade. Luckily, both malls that are nearby have indoor play areas.
This morning I searched online to see if there were any Mc.Donald's with indoor play yards. I found one---10 miles from the downtown library. Ahhh, what the heck...we didn't have anything planned after our library play date. Em and I lunched and then she played for TWO HOURS while I finished my 800+ page book "The Sweet, Far Thing"....all in the air conditioning. Super sweet...definitely worth the extra drive.

Mail: The first 2 sentences of a letter I received from my insurance company last month:
"Our records indicate that you may have already delivered, or are expecting in the very near future! We would like to remind you to schedule an after-delivery (also called postpartum) exam." If I go to the footnote at the bottom of the page it states, "If this is not the case, please call Member Services at the toll-free number on your ID card so that we can correct our records." ACK! Blasted insurance company. My summer was going great...I didn't need a January miscarriage 'reminder.' Not to mention, even if I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be due until mid-September, not the "very near future" in my book. Ugh!

Yesterday's mail included a letter to all teachers employed in my school district. It includes some "minor benefit changes" that went into effect on 10/1/08: Items no longer covered by our insurance include "routine eye exams, infertility treatment, and massage therapy." ARG. Though DH and I still don't know our next steps on the IF journey, it saddens me to know that my employer/insurance benefits no longer cover IF treatment for those who choose to pursue IF treatment options. (Not to mention my yearly eye exam, dang it!) Blasted insurance companies.

Exercise: On Thursday DH and I bought "Active," a new W.ii exercise game. (Click HERE for the info link.) We both enrolled in the "30 Day Challenge." WHEW! It is a killer! Even at the low-level, our quad muscles are killing us today! (This secretly makes me happy, as DH has been a runner for 5 years....knowing that he is in pain along with me and my newly-exercising-fat-butt makes me feel like the exercise is really working. Am I sick, or what?) We both LOVE it thus far. Especially as compared to the W.ii Fit. I enjoy W.ii Fit, but frankly it can take up to 2 hours for me to feel I've had a true workout. With the Active, my muscles are totally burning today, after only 22 minutes Thursday and 30 minutes yesterday. Sweet!

Smiles:
--Today marks the last day of my first full-week of summer vacation. Ahhh. I'm loving it! :)
--An Emmaism: On a picture of a volcano: "Why does that volcano keep interrupting?" LOL.
--My summer reading is underway. I've stayed up late reading the past few nights. LOVE it!
--ICLW starts tomorrow. :)

Just For Today

Just for today, I am loving my body. I've been feeling fat and disappointed in myself lately. DH started a 90 day "P90X" exercise program. It's a 13 DVD set with workouts for an HOUR a day. He's been at it for a week now and is doing great. Though I get totally annoyed when he devotes so much time to exercise (especially when the house is a disaster zone, the pets need fed, our daughter is watching TV instead of interacting with a parent, etc.) there is part of me that truly admires his perseverance.

I've been toying with the idea of running for a while now. In middle school I was part of the "Fun Run" team. We went running through neighborhoods nearby the school, and had fun workouts with Ms. Hoffman the cool P.E. coach. In high school, I'd run once in a while. The house I grew up in was less than a mile from corn fields in the country. I used to love walking/jogging on Waldo Road...past the fresh flowers, horses in the fields, corn taller than me, etc. In college my friend (and later roommate) Amy and I would meet each other and go running on the awesome biking/walking trail at Ohio U. Then winter came...we both busted our butts on the ice a few times and our exercise regime dwindled "until spring." We just never got back into it.

So I gained the "freshman 10." And the sophomore "20"...and I stopped keeping track of my actual weight. DH and I met my sophomore year, and began dating my junior year at OU. Neither of us was into exercise. But I wasn't "obese," and unhappy with myself.

We got married in '98 three months after my graduation from OU. (DH graduated in '97.) Over the past 10+ years, my weight has been increasing. Though disgruntled with myself, I was never "fed up" enough to stick to any diets or work out plans. (I'm a typical yo-yo-er with regards to weight loss.) I joined Curves (a women only gym) a few years ago. I did great...lost some pounds, built some muscle....and then never went back when my work schedule changed so that I was unable to get to the gym after work anymore.

Em came along in '04. I gained a little weight with her, but not too much. I tried to be supportive when DH started running. He began running and working out when I was pregnant. On the one hand I was proud of him for taking care of himself (as his pounds had increased, just as mine had.) On the other hand, I wanted to strangle him whine and scream that while I was pregnant with our child he was LOSING weight. ARGH!

We've been trying to have another child for 2+ years now. This summer we have an appointment with my OB to determine our "next steps." If I am honest with myself, I wonder how much (if any) of our secondary infertility has to do with my weight. DH has continued to run and workout regularly since he started before Em. I try not to be too hard on myself...and to tell myself that the reality is that my weight may have nothing to do with our TTC. However, the negative "I'm too fat" mindset sets in sometimes.

Earlier this week, (the day after the "Biggest Loser" finale, actually) I was thinking that I should run in a half marathon. Then I remembered that there is a yearly half marathon at Disney World. (I *HEART* Disney World!) I was thinking that it would be really cool to run the half marathon there... Why when I haven't run in nearly 10 years did this strike me as a good idea? I'm really not sure. I think I've hit my "breaking point" of disgust with myself.

By coincidence, last night, DH mentioned that he had been in contact with one of our old OU buds via FaceBook. The friend had stated that she and another OU pal might be running in the half marathon at Disney in March! I haven't mentioned my secret ambition to DH yet. I am forcing myself to write this post...because printing it makes me accountable. I don't know if I'll be ready by March...but I would love it if I was. Running 13 miles straight by March....that would be awesome!

So I started today. I RAN today. Baby steps....I ran every-other song on my iPod. Walked for two songs, then ran for all of "Cotton Eye Joe," walked a song, RAN for half of "Devil Went Down to Georgia," walked 2 songs, then finished by running for ALL of "All 4 Love" (Love me some "Color Me Badd!") Went nearly 2 miles total...not sure how far was running...but at least I did it!

So just for today, I am happy with my body. This body that helped me carry my sweet Emma. This body that I KNEW was in labor even when the doctor blew me off. This body that delivered Em ALL naturally without any epidural, not because I planned for a natural childbirth, but because I was already 5 cm dilated by the time we got to the hospital. (Em arrived less than 2 hours later. She was a super quick delivery...and too fast for an epidural.) If I can go through the pain of childbirth and recovery (I will never forget the pain of stitches "down there" without any numbing medication....it hurt almost worse than the delivery itself!) If I can endure the heartache of miscarriage and longing for another child. If I can nudge myself by remembering that I want to be the best mommy I can be....and by acknowledging that right now my fat bum and junk food eating exercise habits are not setting a good example for my Emma... then I CAN RUN!

Yes, just for today, I am loving Me! :)

Countdown

26--- Days of school left for students

28---# of school days until summer (Teachers have 2 post-planning days after students are out.)

60ish---# of days until I visit OB to take the "next steps" in my trying-to-get-pregnant-again journey. (After my miscarriage in January, I was told to "come back in 6 months if you're not pregnant, and we'll look into things from there...") AF started today...and sadly I'm not optimistic about having a BFP in June or July.

70ish---# of days until I'll see my extended family again. We're not sure the exact dates yet. However, DH, Em and I will be taking a road trip to Ohio to see my parents, younger sis, and some Ohio friends.

93---Days until my Girl Power reunion weekend with my college gal-pals

1---Day left until the meeting with my reading department, principal, vice principal, and district reps. Yikes. (Click here if you're interested in more details.)

2009 is flying by...

Alana and the Terrible, Horrible , No Good, Very Bad Day

UGH! Have you ever read the book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by Judith Viorst? It's children's book about a boy who ---you guessed it---has a really, really awful day. He gets gum in his hair, has to eat food he dislikes, his teacher doesn't like his art project, etc. I had one of those days today...

School Stuff: Yesterday was a big day at my school. We had a "cluster" visit in which district reps from each subject department visited our school. County reading reps went into all 4 of our school's reading classrooms. I'm very frustrated because they docked points in a lot of areas, rather than seeking clarification from myself or the other reading teachers. Of course, we didn't find out about this until today...too little too late.

Today I had a training that was interesting and informative. After the training, I stopped at my school to speak to the principal about how yesterday's cluster visit went. He said that it was the "worst reading report" he has received in the 5 years that he has been principal. He stated that myself and one other teacher were noted to be OFF MODEL. Meaning we weren't following the Read180 program protocol. WHAT?!?! I can't "vouch" for the other teacher, but I was doing everything by-the-book. The only exception is when the Internet server froze, so my students could no longer use the Read180 software. Then those students were using Microsoft Word to type their language arts poetry. But, since the servers crashed while the reps were in my room a rep asked a few students to click on both the program and Internet Explorer. Once she noted that the Internet was not working she seemed to be okay with their "alternative assignment." ARGH.

My principal was very calm and pleasant, and not at all accusatory. He listened to my concerns and informed me that he requested a meeting on Weds 4/29 with all the reading teachers, himself, the vice principal, and the district/cluster reps so we can all talk in person. Though he said, "Don't worry about it, we'll get it all sorted out," I still feel disappointed.

My next step was calling Ms. Cray, one of the district reps who observed in my classroom. (We've known each other for a few years and she has called me before for help with resources, ideas, etc.) She told me that I was "off model" because I only had 2 rotation groups in my room. I reminded her that my "silent reading group" of students were working across the hall with my co-teacher, which has been our routine since 1st quarter. Despite the fact that 1st quarter Ms. Cray and her co-worker told me this was a "great idea" and "how wonderful" that my school had space for the silent reading students to be separated from the other students, she said it was "questionable." WHAT?!?! She said that because they were only there for a "snapshot" visit, it wasn't obvious that I still had 3 groups (a Read180 mandate) that were facilitated within my class. When I reminded her that just before she and the district people left my room, the co-teacher and 6 students returned to the classroom---she said that she remembers seeing the co-teacher, but did not realize any students were with her! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? My classroom jumped from 16 to 23 people and you DIDN'T NOTICE??? She told me we'll have to work it out at the 4/29 meeting with the principal because it "didn't appear" that I had 3 rotation groups. I am FURIOUS. If they would have asked me or any of the students in the room where the silent reading group was, any of us could have told them. Instead they assumed I was just skipping silent reading all together. That alone burns my bridge...but the fact that 6 months ago she was praising my idea at having a separate, quiet reading area...which she somehow mysteriously forgot entirely about. I DON'T GET IT!!

Ms. Cray also informed me that another teacher's student's were caught listening to music during their Read180 software rotation. One teacher had word searches in her classroom. She was upset that my students had 3 crossword puzzles in their portfolios. Even when I explained they've only had one crossword per quarter and ALL the words were vocabulary directly from the Read180 text, she still said it was unacceptable because it wasn't Read180 material. I told her (truthfully, I might add) that the crosswords were all given near the end of the quarter when my students had substitute teachers. She stated I need to find new sub materials, and crosswords are unacceptable. Though upset by this news, I could normally take it with a grain of salt. However, shouldn't I at least be informed of this BEFORE losing points in the school evaluation? I'm a rule follower. If I'd been told not to use crosswords (even definition/vocabulary related ones) I would not have used them, but it seems very unfair to be docked points for something I didn't even realize was the wrong thing to do. Ms. Cray continued telling me issues they had in all of the reading classrooms---"none" of us had student work stored, etc. When I explained that my student portfolios are in a cabinet that is labeled with a "STUDENT SOURCEBOOKS ARE STORED IN THIS CABINET" sign, she stated she must've looked in the wrong location. So again----how am I losing points for what YOU MISSED or didn't ask about? UGH!

The clincher was the end of the phone call Ms. Cray said, "I don't want you to lose sleep over it, but there is cause for concern." Ummm, yes, asshat, there is cause for concern. You didn't give my department a fair chance!

I am hoping: 1. I am not blamed for things that are out of my control (because I'm the reading department head.) 2. Everything is sorted out at the meeting. (Please God, let the teachers and I have the opportunity to explain ourselves...I hate that we weren't given the chance to do so yesterday!) And I am stressed and irritated that my department and I received all negative feedback. Seriously? How are our students showing reading level gains and growth if we're doing such a shitty worldclass horrible job? I don't get it.

Home Stuff: DH got his new work schedule this afternoon---he'll be working 10:30 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. Ick. This was his prior schedule that we were so grateful to have end, as it really puts a damper on Emma's schedule. DH doesn't get home until 7:30ish, so we don't eat dinner until 7:45ish (or later.) This means Em's bedtime is closer to 9 than I'd like...because as you can imagine by the time my4 year old girl actually falls asleep, it is usually at least 30 minutes after she's gone to bed. Big ick.

Miscarriage Stuff: To create the perfect end to my day, there was a hospital bill in the mail when I got home from work. Total coast of my January ER visit for miscarriage $75.00. Sighs.

On a brighter note---Super DH: DH's birthday was yesterday. Happy bday, mi amore! I soooo appreciate you and the wonderful contributions you make to our lives together. One awesome thing about our relationship---we started when Em was just a baby---we take turns for bedtime. Every-other-night it is my "turn" to help Em with PJs, teeth brushing, bath, stories, and bed. Anyway....tonight is DH's "turn." I think I'm gonna take a candlelight bubble bath tonight when they start bedtime...I sure need it after my day.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. 34. I greet it with mixed emotions...on the one hand things with my job and family are going wonderfully and I'm grateful. On the other hand, the closer I get to 35, I begin to freak out about not having child #2 yet. Am I meant to only have 1 child? Should I give up on my dream of having a sibling for Emma? We'll find out the next step in our trying-to-get pregnant journey sometime this summer. (After my miscarriage in January, the doctor said to come back in 6 months if I wasn't pregnant again, and we could pursue testing for fertility issues from there.) (But, you can "hear" the lack of optimism in my tone, as I was off the pill for 3 YEARS before getting PG in January, so I'm not expecting any "quick" pregnancies with news in June/July.)

Sighs, my birthday wish this year is for peace of mind. Let me have a restful heart. If I'm only meant to have my sweet Emma, let me cherish every moment and move on. I can't imagine life without siblings. Especially my younger sister, whom is someone I'd fight tigers for. It is important to me that Emma experience this...if I am meant to give up this dream, I hope I "know" sooner than later.

Wiped Out

My blahs have lead to a case of being wiped out. I am soooo tired. Whew! I am definitely chalking this up to being the end of 3rd quarter. This morning I didn't get out of bed until 8:10. Oops! Usually I am showered, dressed and packing my lunch by 8:10, and out the door by 8:30 at the latest. I'm having one of those I've-showered-but-not-hair-washed-and-makeup-free days. Sighs.

School: The bad--We've started a new grading program at school, which I detest. It is an online grading program. I love that my students and their parents are able to access their grades from home. However, I HATE the way teachers have to input grades. For one class with 24 students, I have 4 separate rosters... Though the students are in the SAME class, the system separates the ESE and ESOL students from the general ed students. Thus, I don't have all of my students together on one roster, which makes grading much more time consuming. (Yes, I can "copy" assignments from one roster to another, but I still have to click on each separate class to actually enter the grades.) In addition, the classes aren't labeled in a logical way, such as "3rd period," instead they all say "M/J Language Arts" or "M/J Intensive Reading" and I have to sort through them to determine which group of students are on the particular roster. And though you'd think they'd be in numerical order, my second period class is at the bottom of the list. ARGH! It is SO frustrating! I don't know what kind of total moron computer guru created this system, but I am guessing s/he is not a teacher! UGH!

School: The good-- The past 3 weeks I've been working on a Holocaust unit with my students. Today I found an amazing video in our school Media Center. It is a documentary called "One Survivor Remembers." The video chronicles the accounts of a Holocaust survivor, Gerda Weissmann Klein and includes her recollections of: the war, the last time she saw her family members, when she was taken to a work camp and when she was eventually forced to participate in a Death March. It ends with her description of when she was finally liberated by a German-American soldier (whom she eventually married!) I was thrilled that my students were really into the video, and honored it with seriousness. (I was worried they might not grasp the horror of the situation.) Included in the video kit were wonderful copies and replicas of artifacts to display to students: photos of the survivor and her family members, copies of Gerda's government certificate, maps showing the distance/routes of the many death marches, postcards between family members, a poster depicting the symbols that Jews and others were forced to wear (Jewish stars, triangles, etc.) My students seemed to really identify with Ms. Klein after seeing items from her real life and learning that she was their age when WWII started.

Tomorrow we are reading an excerpt from the "Life is Beautiful" screenplay, which is included in the 8th grade language arts book. Then on Thursday we'll watch the "Life is Beautiful" film. SUCH an amazing movie, I highly recommend it! I am ecstatic that my students are responding to this unit in a positive and appropriate way!

Home: The bad-- DH, whom I love and adore, had the stupidest idea ever a really bad idea. He was trying to be kind to our sweet dog, Viggo. His intent was great. The outcome was not. He let Viggo lick the dinner remnants off his plate. (Disposable plate, for anyone who is grossed out.) However, DH's dinner was SPICY THAI food. Can you predict what happened? Yup...I woke up to 5 doggie diarrhea piles splooshes on the living room carpet. "Resolved" them as best as I could. DEFINITELY having a professional carpet cleaner come to the house next week on spring break. Gross!

Home: The good-- In January during the few short weeks I was pregnant, I began to freak out about space. We live in a small 3-bedroom house. Our "extra" bedroom contains: a Gazelle (exercise machine, NOT animal!), all of my scrapbooks and scrapbooking materials, my acoustic guitar, DH's bass and electric guitars, and many, many books. Most of the items in the room are items I am not willing to depart with. We planned to move Emma into the "extra" room, as her current bedroom still has Baby-oriented wallpaper border...thus her current room would be the Baby room when #2 came along. Though no longer PG, we've started the process of moving Em to the other room. Part of me has been gently trying to nudge DH to consider moving to a larger house. For now, I agreed to wait until we find out what kind of home buying programs will be available once President Obama's "bailout" ideas are entirely in place.

Anyway, the "good" is that I'm moving on. I am staying (mostly) optimistic. Having Emma in the "extra" room will be ideal if I become pregnant again. We still haven't figured out where we'll store all of the stuff that's in the extra room. The Gazelle will go to the garage. The guitars and scrapbooking stuff will probably be stuffed into closets throughout the house. I'm looking at clearing the space as a positive move, whether it ends up being for a Baby, or to eventually sell the house. Yea, me!

The Blog: On a final note, I finally learned how to use the "strike through" feature. How silly fun! Now I can write my crazy and loony thoughts but censor them in an attempt to be humorous. HEHEHEHE! :)

Blahs

Ooohwee. This is the time of year when I have the blahs.

Family: I miss my family. My parents and younger sister are in Ohio. I won't be able to see them again until this summer. This is the time of year that always goes by sloooowly as I anticipate seeing them again. My older sis will be moving from Seattle to New Jersey this summer. She recently finished her Ph.D program at UW and got a job at Drew University. (Go, Michelle!) I am hoping that her move will occur before my college "Girl Power" reunion in NYC, so that I can extend my visit a little and spend a day or 2 with her before returning to Florida. I hate being so far from everyone!

School: We learned at a faculty meeting this week that 5 teachers and 1 office assistant at our school will be surplussed next school year. The teachers will be notified by the end of this week. I am fairly certain this does not include me nor any of my reading department...but I am still crossing all fingers until we know for sure.

Friends: I've been making new mommy friends via Emma's weekly MyGym class. Last night we had our 2nd impromptu ice cream date with Monty and his Mom, Gillette (sp-?) after the gym. (Yea me! She was holding his tiny infant brother the whole time, and I wasn't even jealous! I wanted one of my own, but wasn't envious of her.) She is a stay-at-home mom and we talked about getting together for playdates when I'm home with Em this summer. I was also able to visit with Adrian's Mom, Stacye, while Adrian and Em were in class. It's always nice catching up with her.

Spring Break: Starts next weekend 3/28....it's almost a week until I can have some "ME" time and re-coop. Can't wait to get over the blahs! I'll have 2 "me days" and then will keep Emma home the rest of the week so we can go on outings and have some mommy-daughter bonding. I'm hoping DH will be off one of those days so he can join us.

Health/Emotions: My attempts at exercise have been feeble. I am tired and wiped out, and don't feel like doing anything. I just feel soooo run down. Not sure if it is the post-FCAT time of year, post-miscarriage (but it's been 2 months...so I doubt it,) or if it's just that we are 3/4 of the way through the school year and I'm really tired/borderline burnt-out. Sighs.

Emmaisms: On a brighter note, some recent Emmaisms from my sweet girl...

3/16 Extremely excited: "Do you know what happens if you buy a Disney vacation package? Balloons pop out! Real balloons! And they look like Mickey Mouse!"
(Have you seen the Disney TV commercials where balloons fly out of Disney invitations people receive?)

3/15 After playing with two twin girls at the mall play yard for a while, she walked over to their father and said, "Is their mother dead?" (YIKES! Luckily, he laughed and said, "No, she's in the store right over there.")

3/14 Emma: "God's love is like a poomeray."
Me: "A what?"
Em: "A poomeray. When you give it away, it comes back to you."
Me: "Do you mean a 'boomerang?'"
Em: "I don't know. I was singing 'poomeray' at school."
(Apparently this is a song I've never heard before...)

Brady Bunch: Em has recently just started watching "Brady Bunch" reruns. Remember the episode where Alice goes on vacation and her cousin stays with the Brady Family for a week? The cousin is an ex-army soldier, who forces the Brady's to exercise every morning, be on time for "Chow," etc. Em was SOOO excited by this episode, which we learned was titled "Sergeant Emma," because---you guessed it--- Alice's cousin was named Emma!

Weather: This is the time of year that I love living in Florida. We've had weather in the 70's all week. It has been gorgeous! I love driving with my windows down and sunroof open. I love falling asleep with the window open a crack. I love the smell of blooming flowers that waft in through my kitchen window. One more week....then I can attempt to chase these blahs away at the beach!

Moving On

School: The dreaded FCAT testing for students occurs this coming Tues 3/10 (reading), Weds 3/11 (math), and the following Mon 3/16 (science). I think my students are prepared. I have some concern due to my principal telling me the gains the reading students had last year were not as significant as he hoped. As I wasn't at this school last year, I am not certain how much "growth" he is expecting. I think there is a conflict because many of my students have already had a year or more lexile growth, as gauged by the Read180 software program used in my classroom. However, this growth may not be good enough for them to score well on the FCAT. The problem (as I see it) is when students are low level readers (I have some that began the year as low as a 1st or 2nd grade reading level,) then even if they make great strides, it is still not "enough" for them to pass a test that is written on an 8th grade level. Bleck! Blasted FCAT! I hate that there is so much emphasis on one test...I'll get off my soap-box now.

Online Community: Thanks in part to the Stirrup Queen's amazing list of miscarriage/infantloss/infertility/adoption etc. blogs, I have connected with many amazing women. I consider myself part of the "Secondary Infertility" group. I have soooo appreciated having women I can relate to. And while this blog is still MY outlet, and written mostly for ME, I have to be honest...comments are wonderful. It's great knowing there are people "checking in" with me. Thank you, dear readers. :)

Quick Update--Jury Duty: After being narrowed down from a group of 400 potential jurors to 50 to 35, I was NOT selected for the final jury of 7. I did enjoy my day of "jury duty," and actually ended up hoping I'd be selected for the trial, because the whole process was so interesting. Maybe next time...

Quick Update--Black History Month Choir: I participated in a "faculty choir" for my school's Black History Month presentation. It was great fun, and I even ended up with a solo. We sang Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie's "We Are the World." The students LOVED it. I had a blast! I sang in choirs from elementary school through college, but haven't really done anything (except an occasional karaoke) since graduating from college. It was fun!

Health: I took a sick day today and went to the doctor. Received a RX for nasal spray and an antibiotic. I'm glad I went, as I was diagnosed with sinusitis, but Dr said it would likely have turned into an ear infection if I had waited it out another day. (I had an ear infection last fall---NOT fun.)

Sighs...felt a little "ouch" when I had to complete the "# of pregnancies" and "# of live children" blanks on the admission paperwork. Prior to my miscarriage I never really thought about these items. How do people who have actually endured the DEATH of a child handle these type of situations? Is it sick that I felt a little grateful that I had "a miscarriage" and was not further along? Gulp.

Last week I had my first cycle since my January miscarriage. I guess this means my body is moving on??

I'd Do Anything

Last night I went to see the musical Oliver! with my girlfriend, MEB. She and I have recently reconnected and I have SOOOO enjoyed having a girlfriend in Jacksonville. (MEB and Adrian's mom, Stacye, are my only 2 gal-pals that haven't moved out of state!) The play was nice, but we agreed the acting was a bit amateurish. However, I obtained the tickets from a teacher friend at school who was unable to attend, so I'm not complaining! All day I've had the "I'd do anything, for you dear anything...for you mean everything to me..." song stuck in my head. The song is applying to other areas of my life right now...

Tomorrow is one month since we learned I was having a miscarriage. And while most of me is moving on with my life with a smooth transition, there is a small part of me that has been having twinges of jealousy. I read that a "Peanut is here!" on someone else's blog. The woman has been through the loss of a baby at 8 weeks, and struggled to get pregnant. While part of me is truly happy for her---she finally has a beautiful baby boy--- part of me feels "OUCH" at reading the word "Peanut" and knowing that I don't have my own Peanut anymore. Another moment of jealousy occurred when I saw Anne Curry's "Dateline" interview with the mother of octuplets. How can one person who admits to using student loans as her primary means of finance be blessed with FOURTEEN children, and I can't even have two? Sighs. I just don't get it.

To top it off, Emma has been making TONS of comments about wanting a sibling recently. Students in her class were asked to bring in family photos for a Valentine Family Tree project. She has reminded me numerous times as we pass the Family Tree display in the hallway outside of her classroom, "I'm the only one in my class without a brother or sister." Each time I reply with something like, "Maybe someday we'll have another baby," or "Wouldn't it be neat to have a brother or sister?" or even "Do you think you'd like a brother or sister?" To which Em always enthusiastically replies, YES, though the gender she "prefers" tends to toggle back and forth.

Last weekend I took Emma to the mall. We had lunch and then she played in the play yard for a while. As we were walking through a department store on the way back to the parking lot, we passed through children's clothing. Emma stopped at FOUR different racks asking me if she could buy baby outfits "in case I have a sister someday." OUCH. She then asked if we could buy a playpen "for a baby brother." Ouch again.

I'm not depressed. Or whiny. Or feeling "Why me?" Or even over dwelling. At least I don't think I am. I just want another baby...before Emma is much older. And before I'm in my late 30's.

Yes..."I'd go anywhere. For your smile anywhere. For your smile anywhere, I'd see....yes I'd do anything for you."...for another little Peanut.

4 Days

In the 7 Habits for Highly Effective Teenagers course I taught as an elective this past semester, we had a discussion day talking about time. How one day can make a difference to the family of someone who is terminally ill. How one minute can make the difference between someone who is or isn't in a car accident, etc.

This week I've been thinking about 4 days...I knew I was pregnant for 4 days before I started cramping and had the day of doctor's visits and ER time. Then it was another 4 days before I learned I was miscarrying the baby. 4 days of change.

I've re-thought many things...and have been fortunate, because I don't really have self blame. I was taking prenatal vitamins, exercising a fair amount, eating right, avoiding caffeine, etc.

I also don't really have anger. I'm not mad at myself for losing the baby...or angry at God for preventing the miscarriage. I'm just disappointed. Deeply disappointed. There is a quote in Vicki Iovine's Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy book that really hit home this week. In her section about miscarriage, she states, "...the idea of a baby, the dream of it and having it in your life forever, begins as soon as that baby makes its presence known." How true that is! I'm not just disappointed, I'm dealing with the loss of a dream. A dream for little Peanut. A dream with visions of Emma and Peanut playing together. A dream that I'd be a mother again. Sighs.

And part of me is actually grateful. Not that I lost the baby...but that if I had to have a miscarriage, I am grateful that it happened so early within my pregnancy. My last menstrual cycle began 11-29-08. I was 4-6 weeks pregnant. (Because they were never able to see the fetus via ultrasound, we never were given a gestational date.) I am grateful that I miscarried while the fetus was still so tiny...before I felt movement...before Emma knew about Peanut...before we did any major planning and preparations for a baby's arrival.

SPOILER ALERT- SPOILER ALERT -SPOILER ALERT- SPOILER
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to see and/or read "Marley and Me" and do not want to know the plot and ending, skip to the paragraph that begins with "One positive note..."

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER
The day after my miscarriage began, I took the day off work. I went to see "Marley and Me," as I had heard it was a tearjerker, and figured I could use a good cry. The movie is about a couple John and Jen as they get married, get their first pet (a large dog, Marley,) and start a family. There is a scene during Jen's first pregnancy when they learn that the baby's heartbeat has stopped, and that Jen will be miscarrying the child. This made me cry! She goes on to have 3 healthy children. I cried again...especially at the sight of the 1st teeny tiny baby. Sighs. At the end of the movie, Marley has to be put to sleep in his old age. I was crying with the other 5 ladies in the theater (there were only 6 of us at the Wednesday matinee.) We were all sniffling and crying...it was really sad. And since Marley is a yellow/blonde version of my sweet mutt Viggo, it really hit home. I cried and cried to the point that my nose was red when I finally got into my car after the movie was over. Ahhh. I needed that. It really was the perfect movie to help me get through the week.

SPOILER ALERT OVER SPOILER ALERT OVER SPOILER ALERT


One positive note has been the outpouring of email and verbal responses from female friends, family, and co-workers who have also endured miscarriages. I feel that I am part of a club that no one wants to join, but that unites women regardless of age or race. In the 4 days after the miscarriage, I heard from friends/family: SKK, SKU, KJJ, KLW, MEB, EPL, AB, ARE, CMJ, CM, AF, and MM whom have all had miscarriages. Wow!

8 of these 12 women went on to have one or more children in a pregnancy after their miscarriage(s). 1 of these 12 women is pregnant with her 2nd child right now. 3 of these ladies are still hoping and praying to be blessed with their first child.

I'll be curious to find out in my OB appointment next week what category I fall into now. Am I in need of fertility aids, since I did not get pregnant for 3 years? Or, because I did get pregnant, am I not in need of help because we've shown that it is possible for us to conceive. I am anxious to learn what the next step is...where do we go from here?

No More Peanut

Sighs...I'm at school, so can't write much during what's left of my lunch break.

Had yesterday (Mon.) off work. Went for more bloodwork. Called OB for ER follow-up. They said they'd rather see me Tues so they could have the bloodwork results from Monday to compare with bloodwork from Friday.

Didn't really need to have the day off then. Oh well. Went coat shopping...bought a new jacket and had some "me" time. Was able to spend 2 hours of uninterrupted phone time with MaryAnn---a luxury for both of us!

This morning went to OB for follow up. Met with Sherry the nurse practitioner at OB's office. She attempted ultrasound. Again could see thickening of the uterine wall, but no fetus. Ironically---the cyst on my ovary burst on it's own. It's down already from Friday from 2.3 cm to 1.1.

Then I started bleeding. Dammit.

Sherry said I needed to prepare myself: this could be a miscarriage. Or it could be slight spotting. We needed the hormone levels to determine.

Sherry called the lab for my bloodwork results, which weren't in yet. I headed to work.

30 minutes ago she called to say that my hormone levels dropped from the 600's on Friday to the 100's today. I am having a miscarriage. Ouch. Even as I type the word, I feel a tug at my heartstrings.

She said the bleeding will increase over the next few days. And everything should "clear out" on it's own. How horrible!

Next Monday I need to go back for follow-up blood work. As long as my hormone levels are "back to normal," it will mean that Peanut has miscarried fully and my body is returning to normal. If not, we'll pursue D&C.

Sighs. No more waiting game... This sucks!

Need to wipe my tears....wash my face...and return to my 8th graders.